So I was out the day after Easter going for a jog and I was in the middle of a trail at our park. It's a wooded section and it's at the top of all these switchbacks. Since it was the day after Easter and I had consumed a good two pounds of ham, about fourteen deviled eggs and half the white coconut lamb I was extra fat and slow.
So yes, I was struggling my ass off up the hills. I was panting like Darth Vader, muttering a slew of obscenities under my breath and my left foot was slightly behind the right. All the while I was dragging what was left of my bloated carcass up the final stretch.
I was centering in on the pain, singing, farting, cursing the Autism gods, the Fates, Karma and anything else I could blame for my current state of affairs. Looking reality in the face is not one of my strong suits. My husband tells me bitching about it is.
So, you know, I was generally making a fool out of myself. But I about three miles in this trail. There was no one else out there with me except trees and nature.
Boy, was I wrong.
I look up and I see this big guy coming at me. I mean big, he had to be at least 2,930 pounds. Is my first thought, "Hey wow Michelle your campaign to fight obesity is so totally working, this big guy's out exercising the day after Easter. Good for you Mrs. President's wife. "
Is that my first thought?!?
No, absolutely not.
My very first thought was, "Holy shit. Bet there were no leftovers today at his house."
Don't judge.
Anyway, that's what I was thinking when I look up and I see these two white tailed deer coming at me. Fast. The first words that come out of my mouth are:
"Fat Jesus!!" And for good measure, "Oh Holy Shit!"
In any case, the big guy turns around thinking I've just slurred him and I'm all like, "No. No, there were some deer! Seriously, they were coming right at me! For real, see??" I point over to the brush. And there was nothing there.
I think he wanted to kill me.
And that's why I now carry my cell phone with me when I go out for a run. The police can contact my husband via my ICE number and they can and tell him I was either mauled by deer or eaten by a big fat man going for round two.
Note: The IEP meeting happened and I'm not too pleased with it. I mean, yay he's officially in the Gifted Program, but everything else was a bust. I'm working on the paper trail and documentation so I can proceed.
"Don't judge."....I find it very humorous that you told us not to judge about your judging. I love it!
ReplyDeleteAnd I always go on wakls with my cell.....Don't really know why....I think it's because if I get too tired half way on my trek, I can call and get a ride.
Thats funny. Poor guy :(
ReplyDeleteI adored this post
ReplyDeleteyou made me LOL
Maybe you should join a gym??
ReplyDeleteI'm just sayin'...you seem to get into some predicaments with the whole jogging thing.
And BTW, if you keep eating DQ daily, you're not far behind the big man....LOL!!
Is it okay that I'm totally laughing my butt off at this? It's straight out of a sitcom.
ReplyDeleteFat Jesus? Really?? **covers mouth with both hands in a vain attempt to hide the laughter**
ReplyDeleteYou just never know who you're going to offend in a moment of panic, do you? :-)
ReplyDeleteI had a similar thing happen once... When I go out for walks, I always cross the street if I see someone coming down the road. I depend on my walks to relax, and it's usually so overstimulating for me to have contact with strangers, even in passing, that I just avoid it. During a walk this winter, I crossed the street, only to realize afterward that the guy coming toward me was black. I felt so awful, as I'm virtually certain that a) it happens to him regularly and b) he thought it was a racial thing. I really wanted to run over to him and say, "No, no, I'm autistic and guarding against overload! I'm an equal opportunity avoider!" but it would have been just as effective as saying, "No, no, there really were some deer..."
Do we get points for feeling bad afterward? Probably not.
Um, not for nothing, but I didn't see the deer. You're lucky I was heading home for leftovers.
ReplyDeleteYour first thought upon seeing Fat Jesus was about his non-existent leftovers. My first thought would have been "Where the hell did this guy come from, and is he going to murder me?" Strange men who appear from out of nowhere creep me out. Hence my avoidance of jogging trails at all costs.
ReplyDeleteOMG, my belly hurts from laughing so hard! Thank you--that was just the sort of topping I needed on my day off.
ReplyDeleteHAHA! Oh, I so needed that! Fat Jesus, indeed. Isn't it time HE got off his hiney and did some work around here? J/K...beware lighning strikes in my general vicinity now...
ReplyDeleteI got a real giggle out of this. Was able to picture the scenario perfectly in my mind. Anyway he should be flattered you called him Jesus I suppose.
ReplyDeleteFat Jesus? Seriously? That's freakin' funny. I'd be dead--of embarrassment! LOL
ReplyDeleteFat Jesus is a really random phrase. Why not say Skinny Satan, Plump Peter, Nosey Noah, Strong Samson, I could go all day. But if you really said that, that's funny, cuz that means you've probably said it before, and that's really really funny that that phrase was said more than once.
ReplyDeleteThis is too funny. I too curse the autism gods often, but considering I can't walk these days, I am not to be found in the woods with or without fat men and deer.
ReplyDeleteGlad you made it out alive. Good idea on the cell phone.
@ Rebecca--I know, I'm a hypocrite!
ReplyDelete@Raquel's World--thanks--I did feel bad!
@K-floortime lite mama--Thanks!
@theconnorchronicles--I know, I've had to lay off the running with my mom being gone. I'm puffing up every day...not good for the beach...
@Jonh and Allie Fields--totally OK, if I didn't laugh I'd be locked up.
@MarsupialMama--I know you were laughing your ass off at me, it's OK!
@Rachel--equal opportunity avoider--that's good! And I did feel bad, that's the thing. Uggh.
@So there were leftovers?!? Geez, you must have a ginormous oven and freezer out in the garage, you know for deer, er, I mean leftovers....
@Grace--you crack me up! Weird, but I wasn't thinking of my safety. I was still thinking about those deviled eggs...
@Not Just Another Mother Blogger!--I hope you had a good day off. You deserve it!
ReplyDelete@Kelly--I think the lighting will strike here first...;)
@Sharon--I could have called him worse. Gawd knows worse has come out of my mouth...
@Apples and Autobots--Oh, I've done worse than that I'm afraid!
@Brain--I can say nothing on the grounds I may incriminate myself.
@Accidental Expert--thanks, I probably should stay out of the woods as well.
Why are you jogging in a wooded section of a trail- alone- without a cell phone? Jesus must've thought you said "phat", heard, and spared you. I wouldn't go back...just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteI think you should keep your jogs in nice, urban areas or places where there are well traveled roads, like where that nice statue of the horse about to be killed by the train is located. It will be motivating for fighting the school - just make sure to imagine yourself as the train... ;)
I can't help but notice this comment above. I totally agree! I wouldscared to jog int he woods alone! LOL And your post lists two good reasons why. 1. Big man 2. Deer Funny post!
ReplyDeleteI noticed your blurb about an IEP. I hope everything works out!
Hilarious!! And yes..BRING YOUR CELL PHONE WITH YOU NEXT TIME!!
ReplyDeleteGlad you got some results on the IEP...keep fighting 'til you get all you need ;-) Good luck!
xx Jazzy
You jog? Crap. I need to get my butt in gear. You've totally motivated me.
ReplyDeleteFat Jesus? hahaha
That fat guy had no sense of humour. There you were, pleasantly singing and farting, minding your own business, when he comes running at you! See, I think the words "Fat Jesus!" should have been directed at him.
ReplyDelete