The truth fairy

I am going to go down in the Annals of the Worst Mom's Ever.  I know this fact and yet I can bet you a million dollars I'll still act all surprised when they call my name to accept the award.  And I WILL accept that award.  I've earned it.

I had to do something I've never done before.  Leave my daughter with our swim instructor for the last few minutes of her lesson so I could take Alex to an appointment.

My mom had Gracie at home who was down for a nap so all that needed to be done was for Lizzy to wrap up swimming and come back home with her instructor.  Which wasn't really hard since our instructor has known the kids for years and had her car parked in our front drive.  They literally had to walk 500 feet from the pool to our back yard.

So she was with people I trust.  What could possibly go wrong?

Turns out a lot.

Apparently Lizzy's seen one too many of Alex's meltdowns and decided that as soon as I left the pool deck she was going to try one on for size.  She decided she was going to boycott the last of the lesson and splash her instructor a few times for good measure.  The splashes were not the "we're having girl fun splish-splashing" but rather the "fuck this, I'm done with swimming and I hate you kind of splash."

My mom tells me this as I come home with Alex, right as I hit the door, before I can even get the keys in the dish.

This is the second thing this week Lizzy's decided to up and boycott so clearly she thinks this method is working for her.

So when I see Lizzy eating a snack and ask how her lesson went I was shocked as hell to hear her say, "It was OK.  Can I have more juice?"

"Sure, you can have more juice.  The lesson was just OK?"

"Yeah, my legs were a little tired but it was OK."  She's acting like there was nothing wrong.  At all.  Had my mom not accosted me at the back door I would have been none the wiser.  But she did.  And I knew Lizzy was BS-ing me.  Big time.

"Oh, that's good to hear it went well.  I'm sure when the Truth Fairy swings by tonight she'll skip right by us because, you know, when you tell the truth she just keeps on going."

Out of the corner of my eye I could see her flinch.  Just a little bit but it was there.

Here's the part where I'll fill you in on the Truth Fairy:  One time I caught Lizzy in a boldface lie.  So as not to be outdone by my five year old, I made up a lie of my own.  One that was bigger and better.  Meet the Truth Fairy.  She comes round during the night and for little boys and girls who are not truthful.  As she waves her magic wand those little miscreants who were not truthful reap the demise of her magic wand and their noses grow and grow and grow.  So in our house, if you don't tell the truth and fall asleep, you wind up with a nose like Pinocchio.

Hey, I never said I was proud of this moment.  Nor do I remember taking a test prior to becoming a parent.  Trust me, if I did there would be a world with three less children in it.  It would fall under the category of Parent Fail.

Anyway, she has the stones to look me square in the face and say, "Nope, the lesson was fine."  And continues on like life's great.  Not a care in the world.

I let it rest.  Truth be told, I was a little miffed she had the stones to call my bluff and raise me another lie.  No need to question DNA here folks.

She spent the rest of the day having fun.

Fast forward to later in the evening when my sister asks, "Hey Lizzy, how'd your swim lesson go?"

I hear this squeamish, "OK..... Mom??  Mom, I splashed my instructor."

"Oh you did?  That sounds like fun!  I bet you and Tracy were having a blast, just the two of you.  It's always nice to have some private time."

"No, mom.  No.  I was mad and splashed her."  Her bottom lip started to quiver.  She was clearly worried.

It was getting awfully close to bed time.

"Ohhh, you splashed her?  And you were angry?  That's not good.  What do you think you should do?"

"Say I'm sorry.  Mom, is the Truth Fairy going to make my nose longer?"

"No honey, let's go home and get the phone and call Tracy."

And that's what we did.


I have no idea how long the Truth Fairy is going to be swinging by our house but you can bet my lilly white ass I'm going to be taking it as far as I can get it.




Note:  I was not able to post on Monday.  There are two things that I have agreed with my husband that I won't write about publicly: our marriage and his family.  Turns out both downright sucked this weekend and needed my attention.  Thanks for the understanding.