Friday, October 5, 2012

And then we tried to play golf.

I went in yesterday to talk about Autism with the children in Alex's class.  This is not that post.  That will be on Monday.  I had problems linking Power Point to Blogger so it will have to wait till Monday.

Over the past weekend we took the older two out to the driving range to chuck some balls.  Alex has been practicing golf in the back yard for a while now and while I don't worry about balls flying and smashing windows, I am getting a little concerned with the gaping maws he's putting in the yard.  You have to understand that for every ball he hits, he wiffs about five.  That means I have five brand new chunks of grass/dirt/mud to replace for every one he hits.  Lets just say I have a shitload of holes in my yard right now.

Anyway, we decided to up the ante and go to the driving range.  Now, I'll be the first to tell you we live in a stuck-up, snotty, fake boob, my ring's bigger than your ring kind of neighborhood.  I think its funnier than hell and oftentimes I wind up staring at their fake boobies, trying to figure out why the nipples don't line up and how on earth can she walk with yoga pants stuffed that far up her crack?

That's the kind of girl I am.

Anyway, we went to the driving range.  It was outside, so we were using our outside voice.  Our really loud, Oh My God I'm so excited to lob a few balls in someone else's yard and OH MY GOD, there is a machine that gives you balls?!?  HOLY COW, Dad you gotta come and see this voice.  That was the kind of voice we were using.

Oh My God, a ball machine.
Yes, you were supposed to read into that.  

And then I looked over to the driving range to see everyone staring at us.  Every Single Person.  Clearly we'd not gotten the memo to shut the frick up while at the driving range.  And do you know what I did?

I smiled back at them, at every single one of them.  I didn't explain a thing, I just let it be.  I'm to the point that if I say anything, or try to explain away his behaviors, I'm lessening him, I'm devaluing him as a person and I won't do that.


I just smiled at the people and quietly explained to Alex that we have rules at the driving range and one of them was to use an inside voice outside.....I'll save you the dialogue that everyone heard but suffice it so say it made no sense to him.

Honestly, I say can't blame him.  

He was so excited, he was having such a good time.  He couldn't believe there was such a thing as a golf ball dispensing machine and he was trying to figure out if the mechanisms were similar to a pop machine.

They were.

There was one husband and wife duo who were looking at us like we were devil spawn incarnate.  The thing is?  She got it right away.  She understood the extra time we were spending with him, telling him how to hold the club, how to bend and how to use a inside voice, outside.  She got it.  He...well, he didn't.  He kept staring at us.  Giving us nasty looks.  Sighing and Humphing like he was beyond put out.  He was The Angry Man, as that's what we called him for the rest of the night.  His wife was embarrassed and at one point hissed at him, "Would you knock it off?  I'll explain later but just please stop."  He didn't get it and he didn't stop.  She just smiled apologetically.

I smiled back.

A putting green?!?  Awesome!

We lobbed balls and we missed more that we hit.  I may have ducked several times from flying clubs and I may have said, "OUCH, GAWD...Please don't use the club again to get my attention.  Clubbing shins is not OK."  I may have said that out loud while hobbling around limply.

There is something about giving your child, who has limited gross motor skills, basically a three foot metal arm extension called a golf club.  His range of motion/destruction is increased to about a five foot circumference around his entire body.  I think the only one who had more adrenaline coursing through their body than me, well, that was The Angry Man.  

I may have also said, "DUCCCCK" as a club or ball when flying several times....

And then we came home.  The Angry Man was forgotten.  And for once, I let someone else put the plugs of dirt/grass/mud back where they belonged.  I really would have liked to put them back but in my defense, some of them were lobbed so far out, they went further out than the balls.  I was not going to risk getting hit by a ball from The Angry Man.  He was just that pissed.

And as we left, Angry Man's wife gave me one last smile and a small wave.  In that split second our eyes connected there was understanding, kindness and compassion.  I smiled quickly back and went back to the kids.

Revenge is sweet though, I suspect when he got home, his wife was gave him a club or two of her own.  By the time we were through, she was even more pissed than her husband.  He was so mad at us he didn't see what was right under his nose.

His wife.        


Note: I have to tell you a little bit about how things went at school.  I was nervous as hell but it was AWESOME!  I'll post on Monday (with the PPT that I made into a booklet, so its available) but the big takeaway was the kids finally had a reason for his weirdness, if that makes any sense.  It was such a relief to see some of their faces---they understood why he chews his shirts, uses headsets, takes breaks or just flat out walks away.  They understood.    

40 comments:

  1. I cant believe that your son likes golf. I for one, have never played other than mini putt. Maybe your son will be a professional golfer when he gets older. But if only you could teach him to him angry people in the shins instead of you. lol

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    1. Don't get me started on put-put....Alex came close to hitting that dude with a ball...that was the funny part.

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  2. Lizbeth, it always is amazing to me how much we have in common but on the surface you wouldn't think so. I guess that just shows that we are all so alike. Loved this post and think it's pretty damn cool that Alex is enjoying golf so much. I would also love to be a fly on the wall when Mr. Angry go in the car to go home.....now that would be a fun post to read.
    TGIF :-)

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    1. No shit. My husband and I were saying the same thing. The ass-ripping he was going to get appeared legendary.

      And we would be besties if we lived close to each other. That and we'd be piss wasted walking to that winery next to your house.....

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  3. Boy that brings back memories! My son was so obssessed with golf for about 2 years. We had to go play all the time. I never realized until then just what an uptight sport golf is. Even the golf carts are heavily regulated. Only 2 could ride and I had to get one of my own just for me even though 3 could squeeze in. I thought the golf cart guy was going to have a heart attack about it! LOL

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    1. Bwahhhh!!!! Good luck this weekend and congrats!!!!!

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  4. okay. . . THANK YOU for the last paragraph. Because the whole time I was reading this. . . and try to understand I do think it was a good post. . . I was thinking. . . WHAT HAPPENED AT SCHOOL?

    So there's that.

    Lily plays with broom monster, aka "the broom". She wields it probably similarly to Alex and his golf club. . .and there's a lot of ducking and bruising. We don't let her play with it a LOT.

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    1. How they survived sword camp I'll never know......

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  5. You are a brave and tolerant woman. Taking my son golfing is not my idea of any kind of fun. I leave that to his grampa. Giving the monkey a potential weapon is always a grave risk. He is bad enough with a broom, when he is trying to help clean. You are awesome.

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    1. I'll be honest, it was my husband's idea. I was less than thrilled....

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  6. Tate with a golf club scares me. I would likely end up hospitalized! Glad it went well and Alex enjoyed it!

    Can't wait to hear about school!

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    1. Have to wait till Monday and that's if I can get the dang thing loaded....

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  7. You should go back today and see if Angry man still has his clubs :)

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    1. I think hers are probably bent over his head. Man, was she pissed!!!

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  8. Maybe you could get one of those ball machines at home? Just kidding.

    I cannot WAIT to hear more about the presentation! I am so happy that it went well.

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    1. I would get that ball machine and have it shipped to your house. I'm a good friend like that. :)

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  9. I've been to driving ranges when no one else was there. Especially this time of year. Try again at a different time.

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    1. Yeah, I'm thinking a Monday night or something...

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  10. Too bad you didn't have a blog business card to hand the wife...I think she'd like to visit here! Smiles thinking about how much fun the kids must've had! Looking forward to Monday...glad it went ll!

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  11. "Golf snobs" are the worst! We live on the course so hubs sneaks Toots on in the late afternoon or early evening to play. He's not interested in hitting the ball as much as driving the cart! And dad lets him drive the cart on his lap for a short ways now and then... maybe.

    Maybe you should lay some "nice" artificial turf in an area just for Alex's little hobby. ;) I'm sure it would go with your outdoor decor! I can always send you a flamingo to go with. How's that for a good friend? :)

    What's up with those yoga pants anyway?

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    1. I'd wanna drive the golf cart too, those things are fun! And that's funny...we do have artificial turf. He can't stand it!!!

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  12. Lol at the indoor/outdoor voice thing, it must be universal as I swear I thought of it all by myself :)

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  13. Yet more evidence how much smarter we women are. ;P

    This so made me smile. Would've loved to be there to see how excited he was. Good on!

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  14. First swords, now golf clubs? You like to live dangerously!

    An enraged wife is the best revenge. Sounds like Angry Man is in for it! But it is so nice when people do get it.

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  15. This post makes me giggle. Suck it Angry Man! I am enjoying the image I get of his wife laying into him when they got home. :)

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  16. The understanding of a fellow mom I am sure. Loved the post

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  17. Awe! Love this story! (I'm working on a blog post called 'Hugs, High Fives and the Grace of Children' about the importance of diversity... The more differences there are in our lives, the better! TAKE THAT ANGRY MAN!)

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  18. Very cool that your son had a great time hitting the balls. You never know, this could be the start of a beautiful relationship with golf! :)

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    1. I hope so. We just need to fine tune the gross motor skills I think!

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  19. The Author pointed out good points specially the mental disease "Autism". I like the Story very much. Games like Golf is good. Everyone should spare his/her time to play games.
    golf ball dispenser

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  20. I think Alex is ready to play in the big leagues! It is sweet of you to take him to a real driving range rather than let him play golf on your backyard. Let him feel what a real golf course is like. And from the looks of it, he was having the time of his life enjoying golf! I also can’t blame him for using his outside voice. Getting to play golf on the real green for the first time can excite anyone.

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Comments make me all squishy but remember to be nice. If you're not nice then what you said goes *poof.* There's your warning.