Crazy is as Crazy does.

I lied.  I'm going to dig deep and go back and talk about my vacation for this post.  There was one last thing that happened on Sanibel that I thought only Flannery and Grace would truly appreciate.  Then I'll be all done with this Sanibel stuff.

Promise.

Remember how I said I like to go shelling?  Well I do.  I go out on my own and stake out the best spots on the Island.  I bring my net, water shoes, sunscreen, power bar and some water.  I take my phone and at my husband's insistence, it's double or triple bagged in Ziplocs so it won't get wet or sandy.  I chuck it all into a small string backpack and I'm off.

Remember how I met the awesome sheller from one of my last posts?  Well, we did a lot of shelling together and she always had her husband with her.  I even mentioned that I thought he had her micro-chipped as he always seemed to know exactly where she was.  Anyway, she was telling me the reason he's with her is that she was out here one time and some guy came out buck naked and streaked from the shrubs to the ocean and back.

That freaked my shit since there weren't any houses around.

And between you, me and the walls, I was a little miffed that no one came streaking out from the undergrowth when I was around.  I mean really, he couldn't just give me a courtesy run?

So there I was, on my own, staking out shells.  I noticed this guy off in the distance and I didn't think anything of it.  I stuck my head down, found some more shells and looked up.

He was coming up to me and talking.

So much for a peaceful day at the beach.

He starts to say all this stuff and I'm stuck between this guy and the ocean.  I can't hear a damn thing he's saying with the surf smashing me around.  Against my better judgement I get out of the water and am like, "Hi!"  Trying to play off that I'm not all alone.

Did you ever meet someone and you just didn't feel right about them?  Like your gut was telling you something (like RUN) but you had to use your brain and figure it out?  The whole time you just didn't feel right.  This was one of those times.

"Hey how are ya?  Good, yeah?  Nice day to be out.  I'm in from Jupiter for the day and thought I'd see what I could find.  Everyone says Sanibel's great for shells but I'm not seeing much.  How bout you?  You finding anything?"

Ummm, yeah....Jupiter you say.  That sounds about right.  Christ.  No need to check, my freak magnet's on.

"Yeah, I'm good.  Just out for some shells.  Found a few things" I say keeping my head low, trying to ignore the shell bag in my hand.  Trying not to appear interested.  At all.

"Yeah, what'd ya find?"  He continues, looking right at my bag,  "Cool, is that a sand-dollar?  That sure is!  You're really lucky to have found one of those.  They're hard to find."

"Sure is." I say as I reluctantly acknowledge my shell bag and the sand-dollar within.  I start trying to head back to the beach with more people, starting to wonder how I can inconspicusly get my phone un-triple-Ziploced without being too obvious.  

"It's really nice to see people like yourself getting out and exploring things.  Did you know there is a lagoon right up there?" he says nudging his shoulder, pointing right up and over the bluff.  "Did you want to go and see it?  I hear it's pretty neat.  Come on, I'll take you, it's right up there."

This is where I lost my shit.  Answered the question if he thought I was alone.  This freak wanted to go explore a lagoon and slice me up six ways to China.  In that time I'd be lucky to unZiplock one bag from my phone.  One bag.  I'm screwed.  And it's so frigging hot, I'd decompose in like, twenty minutes.  I know this, I've watched all the CSI's.  Some bird's going to swoop down and eat my eyeball.   I should never have watched all those CSI's.  Damn you Anthony Zuiker.  Maybe I can start leaving PowerBar crumbs.  Seagulls don't eat PowerBar's do they?  Crap, they eat anything, who am I kidding?  I just fed them half my nail polish from my toes as a joke and they ate it.  Great, now PITA's going to be up my ass-hole if I live.  And I can't even dial my phone since its bubble wrapped six ways to China to protect it from the elements.  Accckkk.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???  Why am I fascinated with China, six different ways when I am about to die?  That's totally weirding me out.  That $300 piece of shit phone is going to be the only thing left of me, all wrapped up nice and neat.  Maybe the phones made in China?  Acccckkkk.  Thank you Ziploc and your I-can't-open-you-in-an-emergency-but-my-meat-won't-get-freezer-burn-but-it-won't-matter-when-I'm-dead-bags.  Maybe you can market that after I'm good and gone.  


I hate you I-phone.  I hate you Ziploc.


Crazy man from Jupiter is still NOT SHUTTING UP about the damn lagoon.  Now what??  I promised Alex I'd make home-made pizza for dinner.  Who's going to make my kid dinner if I don't get back?    


"I think I'm going to have to get going" I say.  "I bet it's nice but I have to be heading back."

This freak followed me all the way back to Blind Pass where some guy named Lou started talking to me and telling me how pretty I was.

See Spanx lady in the background???

I CAN NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP.

I am not pretty.

See look.  Skinny, yes.  Pretty no.

Of course I've not shown you a picture of my face but rather my ass but hey, in my defense, my ass is prettier than my face.

And for the record, I felt like I was in some fucked up temporal vortex.  I had to actually look around and see if this new guy was really talking to me.

Yup.  Yup, he was.

Truth be told, I was never so happy to see Lou in my entire life.  He shook loose the psychopath from Jupiter so I went with it.  I let him go on with his crazy-ass self till I found my way back to the car.

The next day I went back.  This time with my husband in tow.  And guess who's naked hump I saw running out to the ocean?

Yup you guessed it.  I found my streaker.

Vacation Complete.


Note: I have no idea why I decided to share this story.  It clearly shows how much weirdness I attract and all the thing I do wrong to magnify my situation.  But in my defense, I didn't want to bring my husband with me.  Sometimes you just want to get out and be alone.  Clearly that did not happen.  I'm thinking of going back in November or December with my sister for a long weekend.  Anyone wanna come?  It would be like BlogHer, but not.  


Oh, and that sand-dollar Jupiter was checking out?  When we got home Gracie stepped on it and smashed it to a million little bits.  

I'm sick of our pool so I cheated. I'm a pool cheater.

So we went to another pool last week.  I shoved them all in the car and off we went.  It's been so hot here and after a while there is only so much you can do at your own pool besides burn the bottom of your feet screaming, "Ouch, Ouch, Ouch!" till you can get to your chair and put your flip-flops on.

Since we moved to Kansas two years ago we've come to find out that every neighborhood has their own pool.  Upkeep is built into the association dues and they are so outrageous I've been determined that by God we're going to use that damn pool till I feel our rates are justified.

So we've been there every day our schedule allows.

I guess neighborhood pools keep the homicide rate down.  I don't know.  I've never seen so many pools till I moved here.  Either way, our pool is within walking distance of our house so its easy for us to spend a lot of time there.  But we've spent so much time there the kids are sick of it.

And going to this other pool was like we were cheating on our own pool.  And to be frank, I want to start a love affair with this one.  A dirty piece of work that would be but this thing was HOT.  It had cool water dumping things, life guards, more water dumping things with wheels and tons of other things.  Did I mention life guards?!?  And there was another little pool that was nothing but water and only went to four feet deep.  Then there was a wave pool specifically designed for tots.  There was a water slide as well.

See, it was a thing of beauty.  Worthy of my love.

This new pool shits all over our pool.  Look at that thing.  Our pool is a basic hole in the ground with a baby hole off to the side.  I'm embarrassed to show you pictures.  But this thing?  This thing??  A thing of beauty.  Pictures do not do it justice.  

Again, worthy of my love.

But since it costs $36 admission for the day, plus food, drinks and snacks which was about another $36, it was a one shot deal.  I don't care how swank this thing is/was I'm not going broke over a pool.

Coolest pool ever.  

And the kids loved it.

I about crapped my pants several times loosing them in the water structures, having visions of them floating top-side before I could get to them.  Nothing like that happened of course but I guess that's precisely why it didn't.  I can't imagine bringing my kids to the pool and even thinking of:

1. sitting down  
2. enjoying a good book
3. texting till my fingers were numb

All of which were things I saw parents doing while their children were reenacting the Lord of the Flies.  I don't get it.  

Grandma and Gracie, far right.  Her lady bush
was tucked in.  I checked.

Alex loved it.  It had this big pot at the top that emptied every 2 minutes and dumped out water.  I know this as a fact.  I know because we timed it.  A squillion times.  We then took the average of the dump times and rounded it out.  Blamo, two minutes.  Alex was not pleased with the lack of precision associated with rounding numbers but I suppose he is correct.  Rounding out numbers is quite useless.  

My favorite part?  Zero entry.  And misters at the water's edge.  Misters.  They had misters.  So your little feet didn't get all hot and burnt.  Swoon.   

This was the best part for Alex.
Waiting for the pot to empty with his swim instructor.  

While I was taking this picture I had several thoughts running through my mind but one thing outweighed them all.  And it was this: all his stims, quirks, stress/anxiety related motions, articulations and tics are non-existent right now.  Sure, we have a few bumps and last night really tanked but nothing like during the school year.  

He's relaxed.  

He's happy.  

He's having the time of his life.

And I want to take this time, stop the clock, and make it last forever.       

It's so hot I think I'm dying and all I can think about is eating chicken...

Wait, what's that smell?  It smells like chicken.  Gawd I'm hungry....I wonder if my husband brought home some chicken for dinner.  I could go for some Kentucky Fried Chicken. Extra Crispy.  Coleslaw.  Mashed potatoes and gravy.  

Wait.  Wait. Wait.

I think it's me.  That smell is me.  Oh Dear Lord.  It's me.  I stink.  

Its so damn hot, I'm cooking externally and I smell like fried chicken.  All that sunscreen and lunch meat Gracie smeared all over me earlier in the day combined with the heat has turned my natural smell of water blossoms and rose petals into some rank form of funk fried chicken.  

So I've brought the kids inside for a bit and we ate some of these.  God love the American Dream and Dunkin' Donuts.  

Then we went to the pool where Gracie tried to bust out, or at minimum, she tried to look cute and innocent so someone else could take her home and get her out of the heat because I was still cooking.  

And then we stayed at the pool a little longer so I could cook my chicken butt a nice golden brown and crispy.

Hope you all aren't dying out there.  And if you are, for God's sake, get yourself some chicken.

Vacation in pictures...

I wrote this down in Sanibel and it had to wait till we got back.  It's still pretty valid so I thought I'd post it.  Let me rephrase that.  Since we've been home, I've been buried in laundry.  The kids have made a nightly habit of peeing in the bed, on the sheets, on the carpet, stuffed animals, toys and basically anything within striking range from their bed to the toilet.  And amazingly when they sit to pee they still have more in them.  I don't get it.  Anyway since I'm now looking at the front end of my washer and dryer this will have to do.

Here ya go.

I've established the fact we're on vacation.  I've also established the fact I have more than enough computers, wires, phones, cables and monitors to become a wholesale distributor or, at minimum, a small Radio Shack. But here's the one fact that's confounding me and quite frankly pissing me off.  I can hardly use a single one of the computers without getting logged out, timed out or pages simply not loading. 

See, nothing is compatible.  The I-pads won't work with my phone.  The mini won't work with an I-pad but will work with the phone.  Both phones will work with each other and I-touches but won't work with the mini.  The I-pads will work but not with each other and God forbid I hook a phone up to one of them to download pictures.  Then all of them get really bent out of shape and freeze up.  It's like they've ganged up, started their periods and won't ask for any Midol.  They're worse than my kids without sugar and don't get me started on what little ass holes they can be without their sugar.

The end result is that I can't work with any of them.  I can read all your blogs but none of my great gifts of technology will let me read or comment.  And I'm frustrated.  See, I want to talk to you guys and my computers are on their periods and pissed off and won't let me.  I'm more that a little mad, and drunk, and the combination has me banging on keyboards.  It's really hard to focus.  

So I'm sorry I can't post things to you guys.  I really want to. 


Anyway, this is want I originally had posted before I got way too frustrated and drunk:

First we had to stop at WalMart.  Enough said.  Then we spent an assload of money.  Apparently it costs upwards of $500 to feed a family of six for two weeks.  Here's the receipt to prove it.
 

I'll be damned if I make one of these:

I'm not getting anywhere near cleaning a single one of these:

And I have a moral obligation to drink all of these:

Oh yeah, the fridge has more!!!

Oh, after I sobered up a bit I figured things out.  Let me rephrase that.  I think I bitched so much my husband fixed things and now I'm happy.  

I'm going out here to take a self induced time-out which includes getting drunker and finding some more shells.   

And that's exactly what I did.  Alone and without kids, I went out for some peace and quiet.  I think I may have spilled the majority of my drink when I bent over to get a shell but I was alone.  There was no way in hell I was going back in to get a refill.  

Try getting that out of your mind.

A few things have happened between now and the last time I posted.  First things first.  It was my mom's birthday.  Did I mention she's here with us?  No??  Well she is.  That, in and of itself, has been a blessing and a bane.

Blind Pass, Sanibel

Funny thing is, her birthday comes around in June and I forget it every year.  Without fail.  And every year she gets pissed.  Without fail.

This year I actually remembered the day before while we were out getting groceries.  Let me rephrase that.  My husband got a FaceBook reminder that it was her birthday.

Shit.

There I was, scrounging for a birthday present at the general store.  They had nothing unless I was going to give her eggs, milk, sunscreen or bug spray.  I settled for a pre-made cake and called it a day.

I took the kids out and drew pretty things in the sand for her and she was happy.

Then I almost forgot Father's day.  Let me rephrase that.  I did forget Father's day.  Totally.  I remembered it, only after my husband dropped me off at Blind Pass to go shelling at 6:00AM.  About an hour later, I was knee deep in water going for a shell and the thought brought me from a full stoop to upright in less than one tenth of a second.

I called him and he said not to worry.  I married a good man.

Alphabet cone

Lace Murex

We took a boat out to explore and I tell you that little bit of information to tell you this.  I have never been so petrified in my entire life.  I don't know what it was, but having all three kids on a boat, in open water, scared the hell out of me.  The only way to describe it was I had this horrible feeling that if anything went wrong I couldn't save all my kids and I'd be forced to choose.  And I could not come up with an answer.

I was never so happy to have my feet touch solid ground, grab all my kids and get off that damn boat.

Anyway, back to the blessing and bane bit about my mom.  There we were out on the beach talking to I don't remember and she has Gracie at her legs.  You know where I'm going with this, right? Right?? 

I start to play with Gracie and since she's at my mom's nether regions.  I can help but see.  It's not like I was going in for a quick peek or anything, Gracie's about mid-rift height.  There, right in front of my face, and behind my little girl: Full Bush.

Full Bush.  People, my mom had not shaved her bits in years.

Years, people, years.  Uggghhhh.....

Who walks out of the house like that?!?  Before you answer that, I already know.  MY MOM.

I was mortified.  There she was, yammering on, Gracie's making a fuss and people are looking right at it.  She was clueless and just yammering away.

We're talking full bush.  Monkey's at the zoo have less hair.  Pube's Gone Wild.  Granola.  Tree hugging, save the planet a razor style.  

And that's the bad visual I'm leaving you with today.

Now try getting that seared out of the back of your retina's.

Vacation one, Lizbeth zero.

This is the fish tank where I got yelled at for pulling a sea star out of the holding tank for less than 0.0034 seconds and where everyone within earshot was told by Alex, "This was not my activity of choice.  I have no interest in sea life and I would be much happier with my I-touch but ohhhh nooooo, mom says it has to say at the condo."

This is the boat we went on where I lost Lizzy, Gracie threw her bottle out and screamed her head off for the duration and where Alex got a brain contusion from hitting the boat decking as the captain ran into the pier.  Read all about it here.

OK, there would be a picture of a boat here but this piece of shit computer I'm working on is a little mother and won't let me add a picture without first rotating it and then adding it sideways.

That and it's so God dammed slow I can't even get to a single one of your blogs without crashing the whole system.  I think I take out power to half this island when I try to comment.

And I have an I pad but that's not really an accurate statement.  I can see our I pad but can't use it.  I may be able to wrestle it out of my son's hands for twenty seconds only to have to barter later usage. 

Scratch that.  I figured things out.

Anyway, more pictures...

This is one of the sand castles Alex made and has announced to the free world and anyone who has the misfortune to walk by that, "This is my sandcastle and I would appreciate it if you would walk around.  Thank you.  Oh yeah, I'm not enjoying this activity at all.  I would like to be playing with my I-touch but my mom says it has to stay in the condo."

Since we're outside he's saying all of this in his Loudest Outside Voice Ever.  Technically I can not correct him since we are indeed outside. He has reminded me of this fact.

Repeatedly.

And this is a picture of our walk to the beach.  All you have to do is add three children, all screaming different things, getting chased by wasps and all sorts of big flying bugs, pushing and shoving to get to the water then the picture is complete.  Thank you condo association for putting flowering plants along every walkway.  By the end of the boardwalk I've been given all the beach toys, towels, sunscreen and drinks so I look like a camel on a desert trek.  

I've taken to stashing a bottle of alcohol in a beach towel.  It is my goal to have one bottle finished per day by the end of our trip.

Yes, you may judge me.  

And that is all I have for today.

Note: I have been desperately trying to get to your blogs but this system here is nothing but smoke and  mirrors with the ability to crash at a moments notice.   I may resort to posting some old crappy posts I've had hibernating till we get back as I've spent more time trying to keep this system running and my kids from getting electrocuted from the mess of wires under the writing desk....  

The eagle has landed.

So we made it to Sanibel. That means my house is up for the taking, partying and looting. Be advised that with the remodel we now have an upgraded security system equipped with indoor lasers and twenty four hour video monitoring I can see from here. If that doesn't deter you then have at it.

Now that I've got that out of the way, I'm happy to say we made it all in one piece. En route I may, or may not, have said:

• "I don't care if you don't have to pee, sit on that God dammed toilet and eek something out."
• "Please don't let me kill this TSA agent, please don't let me kill this TSA agent, please don't let me kill this TSA agent."
• "Really, it's soy milk. That's butt paste. And that's my birth control." There was no way I was risking that getting lost in the luggage to which Alex exclaims, "Mom brought her no more baby pills with her. Looks like we won't get a baby on this trip."
• "Sit down, shut up, and act like you are having fun."

With all the technology we brought down with us I still don't have the ability to download pictures. That is confounding me as our condo looks like a Radio Shack right now. I don't understand this at all.

Alex has decided to boycott the beach as I've not allowed the I-touch near the ocean, Lizzy went head first into the water and came out almost puking exclaiming, "it tastes awful!" and I looked over to see Gracie eating some cereal she dropped in the sand.  Right now all the kids are hypoglycemic and acting like ass holes.

Not to be outwitted by our little ass holes, we took them on a boat cruise of the nature preserve only to have Gracie throw her bottle overboard.  Since it's a nature preserve we had to go back and retrieve it.  By that I mean the boat was turned around four different times to fish the damned thing out of the water since we couldn't get it on the first three passes.  Alex banged his head on the guardrail when the captain over shot the pilings and ran into the pier and Lizzy, well Lizzy, I lost track of her five minutes into the tour.  After Gracie threw her bottle overboard she started a nonstop screaming marathon which scared off all the manatee and dolphin thus pissing off everyone on the boat that wasn't all ready pissed at us.  We almost got thrown out into the estuary.

Good times.