The sacrificial lamb has been eaten.

We're ramping up to another holiday this Sunday and while I'm not of the Church-going variety, my kids latched on to the idea that a big tricked out bunny coming over to the house and dropping off an ass-load of candy wasn't such a bad idea.

That and I'm a whore for ham.  Not like Dairy Queen mind you but I do like a piece of pig ass every now and again.  And deviled eggs.  I love deviled eggs.

Anyway, we have this tradition in our house that we have a lamb cake for Easter.

See?

Circa 2006.  Ignore the melting icing.
Yup, that's me and the kids in the picture back there.  

Everything was all well and good until one year my sister hacked into the poor defenseless lamb, chopped off it's head and exclaimed in her best lamb voice, "ACCCKKK!!!!  I'm dying!!  I'm bleeding!!!  Help, help me!!!  Baa.  Someone chopped off my head!!!!  Ouch, my head hurts!!!  Baa.  Anyone see my body?"

While she was saying all of this, she had the lamb head in her hand and moving it up and down on its body like it was talking, all the while still going, "Accck!  My head hurts, has anyone seen what's happened to my head?  Baa."

She thought it was funnier than shit.

Circa 2005.

This is the point in the story where my son Lost His Fucking Mind.  He damn near had a stroke.  He started screaming, flapping running around senseless all the while uttering,   "ACCCCKKKK, you killed it!  YOU KILLED IT!  Put its head back on Aunt Nichole!  Oh no!  YOU KILLED IT.  Please, please, please Aunt Nichole give its head back!  Its going to die!  Please give it the lamb back it's head!"

Then he curled up into a fetal position on the kitchen floor and started wailing and rocking.  

Doesn't matter the lamb was already dead and, stay with me here, it was a cake and we were all going to eat it.

Oh no.

Aunt Nichole brought the damn thing to life and killed it in one fell swoop.

Didn't help the lamb cake that year was read velvet.  Didn't help one bit.  So as she was banging its head on its body "talking," pieces of it were falling off making it look like it had its throat slit and blood was pouring out it's neck.  

I have no Easter lamb pictures for 2007, the year the lamb came to life.  We were too busy looking for ways to kill Aunt Nichole, cleaning up puke and binge drinking.

Circa 2009.

And the irony?  I still have the cast iron lamb mold and I have yet to make this years cake.

It probably worked out for the best, I'm sticking with vanilla.

Happy Easter everyone.

He's laughing at me. See?!?

We were hit with a hail storm the other night.  We were pummeled.

Miraculously Alex slept through the whole thing and was spectacularly pissed the next morning when he found out Lizzy was up for it.  There I was, running around the house throwing myself in front of windows yelling incoherently, "Not the windows!  Do you know how much I paid for those goddammed drapes?  Not The Windows!!!"  It was so loud I couldn't hear my husband telling me I was a whacked out lunatic and to get away from the windows before I got my head bashed in. 

We were pummeled to the tune of loosing one quarter of the roof, all the gutters and downspouts, exterior lighting, plus all the window trim and any exterior woodwork.  The west side of the deck looks like its been sandblasted and the two cars out in the drive were totaled.

I tell you that to tell you this:

My sister came over and took the kids outside to play on the driveway a few weeks ago.  They made beautiful creations and they had a blast with chalk and paint.  They were so proud.  She logged in some hours as Super Aunt and left feeling like a rock star.  They had fun and I had a quiet house.  I was happy.

Everything went away with the storm except for this asshole:  

My sister drew him with not so washable paints.  Even golf ball size hail at seventy miles per hour didn't wipe that shit eating grin off its face.  

Every time I go in and out of the house I run over it and see it grinning at me.  I know I shouldn't be subscribing life to inanimate objects but I know that little turd is laughing its ass of at me.