Wednesday, December 21, 2011

My Open Letter to the App Store.

Dear App Store:

I used to like you, dare I say, love you even.  You gave me time that I once didn't have.  I loved that sense of stealing a little alone time while my kids played on their I-touches, all happy and full of contentment, mindlessly blasting away a few brain cells.  I didn't care.  I had a few minutes to myself and I was willing to sacrifice some of their grey matter to get it.

I was a desperate woman.  And I had to pee.  And I had the opportunity to pee in private.  A love like that comes but once in a lifetime.

Thank you Bridges of Madison County.  

But like in some relationships, I went from infatuation to loathing in no time flat.  Which amazes me really, since we never even had sex.  I digress.

My children are no longer happy with your free Apps and want to purchase new and improved Apps.  Ones that don't have adds popping up while they are playing or trying to direct them to a new site.

But the real reason I may have to break up with you is simple.  My son has found games that require two players.  Things like Chess, Words With Friends and Hanging With Friends.

And here's the thing, I don't even know how to play Chess.  I don't want to learn how to play Chess.  I especially don't want to learn how to play chess while I'm peeing.  And I'm over forty, I don't want to tax my brain like that.  It's too late for me.

It's kind of like downhill skiing.  I don't know how to ski and I'm quite happy to live my life without going down a steep snowy hill, with two wooden waxed-up sticks propelling me downward to certain death or at minimum a broken femur and a brain injury.

I'm OK with not learning how to ski, just as I'm OK to go my whole life without learning how to play Chess.

But then you came along.  And my son loves you.  He adores you and worships the space in the universe in which you reside.  And because of the love he has for you, I have become wrapped into his web and I'm being unceremoniously exploited to work your wiles.

Like crack, my son is hooked.  I took my free time too far and now we're in trouble.

See, it has to end.  I sent this word
to Alex to solve the other day.

I'm now being pinged with game reminders twenty-four/seven.  Alex is waiting for you to solve the game.  Alex is requesting a rematch on Hanging.  It's your move!  Alex is waiting for a solution.  You have seven Hanging updates.  

In one day alone, one game gave me over thirteen reminders that I need to get cracking.  Thirteen reminders!  From one game!!  Games that need to be completed, moves to be made, rematches to be started.  Ugghhh.

It's too much stress.

I can't keep up.

I'm exhausted.

And we never even had sex.

Its so unfair.

Note:  I'm over at Cheesy Bloggers today talking about our Christmas traditions!   


  1. LOL! The hubs is a words with friends addict... I can hear the blasted game pinging from the kitchen counter all evening long! Maybe he'd like a match with Alex?

    For my part, I'm into Dream Zoo, Farm Story, and some other zoo game by the makers of Farm Story. Alex is totally welcome to add me as a neighbor ;-)

    Happy holidays, Lizbeth. Here's to surviving it all in one piece!

  2. LMFAO!!! I love that game!!!! Whenever i can pry the iphone from my hubs i play hanging with friends. When I get my upgrade, i'll play with Alex ALL DAY LONG!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. That is funny and sad.
    I don't need one more thing "needing" me.

    Good Luck with this one. :-)

  4. You know, there's a reason those sorts of loves are once in a lifetime.

    You're on fire today with the funny! Thanks for making me spit coffee all over. My cat may never come near me again.

  5. What's your user name for Words with Friends, I'll challenge you to a game???

    Don't even try to fool me by saying it's "Douchebag", I'm not falling for it.

  6. I hate Hanging with Friends, but Emma loves it. I try to give her words that have S,T,P, E, or R in it every time so she can solve it easily.

    Words with Friends I love though.

  7. Spill woman - what's your username? We all challenge you to a game of Words with Friends - serious girl!

    The first week I wrote on the blog, I told the story of how I stupidly left my Apple ID signed in - Tootles charge about $100 in MegaJump upgrades on my credit card - yeah. iTunes removed the charges without much protest but I swear I have to really watch or Apple keeps me signed in and I get fleeced by a 5 year old.

    And, really, isn't it easier to break up without the sex? ;)

  8. Hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa - I love that you referenced Bridges of Madison County. Damn, I could really go for a botle of wine, a box of tissues and that movie right about now.

    I don't play Words with Friends - I don't like waiting hours/days for someone else to go.

    Can't he play chess against the computer though?

  9. Shhhhh...don't let my guy hear about this! He's too busy whacking guys on other games or playing Minecraft. Solo!

    Thanks for the laugh Lizbeth.... I feel your pain!!

    xx Jazzy

  10. I ain't got no apps and don't plan on getting none.

  11. @Mom2LittleMiss--I wouldn't wish that on anyone but thanks. He's more than a little obsessed right now....

    @Rhonda---hahaha!!! I can just see you guys fighting for the phone. :)

    @Peg--I thought he was playing at school because I got a ping in the middle of the day. No, just the phone harassing me....

    @TMWH--If the cat stays away while you're typing then you're welcome.

    @Flannery--It's OH SHIT.

  12. @Jim--it's like interactive Wheel of Fortune. You do RSTLN & an E for $200 Vanna.

    @Karen--I'm sorry but I laughed at that. That T's a smart little one!

    @Autism Wonderland--he can, he just won't. I think he likes it when the phone pings me and then he gets all flappy because it's my turn.

    @Jazzy--I'm jealous. There, I said it.

    @Mike--And to be honest, don't get any. It's like crack. You won't want to stop, unless you're being harassed by an 8 year old to play.....

  13. Ryan is getting an iTouch for Christmas. Just last night, I cracked it out of the box and logged into iTunes to get it all set up ahead of time. You know, so I won't have to spend 2 hours doing it on Christmas day. (And listening to an impatient kid stomping around asking "is it ready yet???" every 3 seconds.) As I was browsing around the app store, I seriously began to wonder exactly what I had gotten myself into.


  14. I used to be asked to play Star Wars on PS2 and Narnia, but I was so useless that he doesn't want me to join in even if I offer now...kind of like men who are no good at ironing...

  15. My 10yo is getting an ipad for Christmas (strategic saving). Maybe we can set them up with hanging with friends together, then they'll leave us both alone.

  16. Wanna know my favorite part of this post??... The labels at the end. :)

  17. that's why we have husbands Lizbeth: to kill spiders, reach the top shelf and handle that "two player" bullshit.

  18. Sweet holy mother of God. For the first time tonight, Ben was showing Ellie how to play chess on the iTouchPodPadThing. Why, oh why, did I not read this post earlier today? I feel like I just got gut punched and super wedgied. Big sigh. Merry Christmas to you!

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