Monday, April 16, 2012

OMG Dorthy, run for the hills!

I have to tell you right now, if I was not laughing at this I think, no I know, I'd have been confirmed as certifiably insane.  For those of you who know me and are scratching your heads wondering, "What?  I thought she was insane, " shut your whore mouths.

I'm not sure I've mentioned this in the past.  I don't know, maybe I have---about Alex's first fear, then love affair of all things weather.  It started back when we flooded in North Dakota and we lost the house.  The kid has a legitimate fear of water.  Then we moved to Kansas and at first he had a healthy fear and loathing of all things tornado.  Then he brought home a book from school all about how tornadoes are formed and thus began his formative years in studying tornadoes.  Thank you again Overland Park School District for giving him that book.  No really, thank you.

Now, not only does he have a healthy fear of tornadoes, he wants to go out and study them.  He wants to examine wind shear, air velocity, how a mega-cyclone is formed and everything else associated with all things tornado.  

Are you as scared shitless as I am when you hear this???  He wants to study a fucking mega-cyclone.  Who studies a mega-cyclone anyway?  I'll tell you who, anyone but my son, that's who.

And then because we live in Kansas the inevitable was bound to happen.  We went under a tornado watch.

Now wasn't really a tornado watch per say, it was more like Greg Forbes saying, "you live in a zone where the TOR:CON is sitting at an 8 out of 10 right now.  That means somewhere in your vicinity there will be a tornado and those people that get hit with the tornado???  Those people?  They're well and truly fucked.  They're all gonna die."

No really, that's not what he said at all.  That's more what my son heard.  What he and the Weather Channel said was more like this:

Several tornadoes are likely to touch down in the central United States; some of which could be large, violent and travel for miles upon miles. Developed by Dr. Greg Forbes, (Find him on Facebook) The Weather Channel's severe weather expert, the TOR:CON index is an estimate of the likelihood of tornado activity within a given time period. The TOR:CON values range from 0 to 10. A value of 4 means that there is about a 40% chance of a tornado within 50 miles of a location in the specified area of severe thunderstorm activity. This also means that there is a 60% chance that a tornado will NOT occur. 

Since we were sitting at an 8 and you do the math, that pretty much meant we were fucked.  An 8 reads: A high probability of a tornado in the area of concern.  Yup, we were fucked and no, I really don't want to friend Dr. Forbes on Facebook, thank you very much.

We went up to a 9...we're all gonna die!!!

As an added bonus, the National Weather Service and the Storm Prediction Center have us as a test zone for new storm nomenclature and wording.  Now they're using words like mass destruction, unsurvivable, catastrophic and life threatening for the tornadic event.

Mass destruction?  Unsurvivable??  Catastrophic?!?  You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Those words sent my child into a stimming fit that would have rivaled one of the goddamned tornadoes they were predicting.  Now my son was scared out of his ever loving mind.  The only saving grace was that I was pretty sure he wasn't going to run out into the middle of a storm to collect data.  Notice I said I was only pretty sure, you just never know.  

The last bit of information Alex caught was from the newspaper, "It's only the second time in U.S. history that the Storm Prediction Center has issued such an unusually early and dire warning more than 24 hours in advance.  The last time was six years ago this month, before nearly 100 tornado's struck south-eastern states."

Oh fuck me.

And I still had to go to Sam's Club and buy some damn milk and eggs.

When I mentioned that we needed to go out my daughter said, "Why do we need to get eggs if we're all going to die tonight?  Its just going to get sucked up and make a mess."

Nice try Lizzy, you know how I hate messes but we're still going to Sam's Club.

And then Alex hearing that last bit said, "Wait.  What???  What do you mean we're all going to die tonight?  If we're all going to die, I need to get my i-Touch.  If I'm going to die, I want to die with my i-Touch."

Well, the kid has priorities.

As a last ditch effort, after Sam's Club I had the idea to go to Tornado Alley Live on the computer and watch storm chasers film tornadoes from their cars.  Get this, these geeked-out nut-balls stream live film footage from their cars and you can text them while they chase the storms.

There were so many GD storm chasers
there was a frigging traffic jam in a corn field. 

Did I mentioned we could text them???  We totally did. Oh my frigging Lord, we were texting all sorts of stuff: turn around, get closer, who farted, backup, you passed it, crickets, ditch, watch-out for that car, downed wires.  You name it, we were texting it.  I swear, they need to put better security pass codes on that texting option. Oh well, we enjoyed it.

And then we all tired to go to bed in the lower level but we stayed up all night because "camping" isn't nearly as fun as they make it out to be when the fear of being sucked out a window is looming over you.

We were all cranky as hell the next day and guess what?  We didn't see so much as a flash of lightning.


Note: I haven't a clue if there was a traffic jam in a corn field but look at that mess.  It's worse than a  bunch of college students at a rave.  And secretly?  I'm a weather junkie and I totally want to chase storms after I fight my last IEP battle.  I may soil my pants but it still sounds like fun.   


And while I try to make light of our situation, there were over 100 tornadoes in Kansas alone and Wichita was hit pretty hard.  My thoughts and prayers are with those who suffered from this past weekend.  
 


41 comments:

  1. Oh, boy. Bless your little man's heart. I can't imagine how scared he was. Hell - I am scared spitless just reading about it. I would probably have had us all in the bathtub with a matress over our heads, praying prayers I only say in such a situation, promising never to swear again and general b.s. like that!

    I am so glad you all are safe. And, yes, thoughts and prayers to the victims. Holy cow.

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    1. He was wound pretty tight...he was much better on Sunday when I showed him the weather update and the front was East of us.

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  2. Do you watch Twister every time they rerun it on cable? 'Cause I do. I absolutely want to get right up close, but not close enough to get sucked up in that thing.

    Glad you are all okay and survived Torcon 2012, which sounds a lot like a geeky weather convention.

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    1. I totally do, remember that part where they go into the barn and all the tools are lined up and they're like, "Oh Shit!" Best part ever.

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  3. I'm glad you are all okay!!!
    We need Alex to fixate on sunny balmy days. :-)

    I have never lived where tornado's are a concern.
    They scare the shit out of me.

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    1. I want to fixate on calm balmy days, on a beach!!!

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  4. I heard about the tornadoes in your area and I feel bad for those people who were affected. But I had no idea that storm chasers were live on things like Twitter while chasing a tornado. They should live stream video footage directly to Youtube.

    I've never seen a tornado, but I think there's been a couple in the outlying areas before. And it's great that Alex wants to learn about weather. Maybe Alex will become a meteorologist or something like that when he grows up.

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    1. This one chaser had over 2,000 people watching his chase and texting him. I don't know how he didn't run off the road and kill himself. Granted he had helpers, but still.

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  5. The best part of this story is Lizzie asking why you have to go to the store if you're all gonna die tonight. I like that girl! She is saucy.

    I once spent a cloudy afternoon in Oklahoma. The mere fact that it was cloudy was enough to scare the crap out of me because I was, after all, in OKLAHOMA. And I'm a huge chicken shit.

    I'll take a hurricane over a tornado any day. Maybe you should think about getting Alex a book about hurricanes.

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    1. I know!!! She was totally trying to scam out of going to the store. I should do that. He will love it and I'll be happy since we won't be any where near the coast, except when we go to Florida....on second thought...

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  6. Have you got your National Weather Service storm spotter card? I do.

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    1. Wait, what??? They have a card for that??? Are you for real?

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    2. Not only do you get a card you get a special number to call to report bad weather. I'll try and find the info about this and email it to you.

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  7. wow. So happy you all made it. I've banned the damn weather channel in this house. I couldn't lived with the STRESS of approaching storms causing anxiety of the power going out *smh*

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    1. I know. I'm getting close to that point, trust me...

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  8. Whew, glad you were all okay. I was glad when the tornado missed my area. We just had some insane storms.

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    1. Welcome to tornado alley. They are crazy insane storms here. Like huge, gigantic things I've never seen before....

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  9. Have I mentioned that I want to be Alex's best friend? OMG, we could be weather geeks together! I bet he'd love the weather station set up in my backyard. And yes, I'm a certified storm spotter =)

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    1. You and me lady, we have a date to go out and chase. I have a weather station too!!! OMG, we're total weather geeks!!!! And I'm totally jealous--s storm spotter!!!! *Swoons*

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  10. Do people still read newspapers? ;)

    I could not live where you live. I like the unpredictability of an earthquake over a tornado or hurricane. I think if I was you, I'd just stay in Sanibel next time you go. . .

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    1. I know but Grace brought up the teeny-tiny detail of a hurricane. Then where'd we be???? Wait....don't answer that!!!

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  11. I'm glad you guys are all ok! That is absolutely terrifying. I will take blizzards over tornadoes any day. We had a couple rogue tornadoes last year and they missed us, but I was not happy!

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    1. That was the one thing I loved in North Dakota. Sure you got blizzards but you KNEW they were coming.....

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  12. I'm always telling my kids how lucky they are to live in Ireland whenever there's news of tornadoes or earthquakes or volcanoes or or or. But traffic jams in corn fields I would love to see! Glad you all got through it and hope no-one else got hurt (I didn't hear) x

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    1. That Tornado Alley Live was a life saver!!! It cracked me up to see all those cars in the middle of nowhere!

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  13. I love your blog! Sounds like your Alex and Big Daddy Autism's Griffin should get together at some sort of weather convention!

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  14. I think you, Allie, and Alex should all get t-shirts made up. And when you and Alex get your storm spotter cards, put them in a lanyard around your neck. And then get a number where we can text you and Alex for live weather updates. I'd like to hear your updates from a traffic-jammed corn field...

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    1. Hahaha!!!! I can send up updates right to Lilly's Ipad.

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  15. So you were or weren't watching Helen Hunt in Twister when you went underground?

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  16. Wow! A tornado is pretty awesome I don't blame Alex for being both scared out of his mind and totally intrigued at the same time.

    We are in MA and had a tornado touch down last spring - which is crazy for us - so now my children think that every mention of a thunder storm means we need to hide in the basement!

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  17. So, did they text back and answer who farted?

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    1. OMG no but they did answer back---its video streaming so we can hear what they say after they read the texts. The one guy started laughing when we texted, "Crickets!" We have the same ring tone and he was getting a call--the ringtone is a bunch of crickets--so he was laughing going "someone has the crickets ringtone too....I thought I was the only one!" Alex about fell out of his chair!

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  18. My aspergers daughter has a love/hate affair with the weather as well; flooding freaks her out so I dread to think how she would cope with a tornado. Fortunately we don't have them in England; the nearest we get to extreme weather is flooding and the odd earth tremour. Hope everyone is OK. Deb

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  19. Only you would make something scary into something fun! That was sheer genius to go to that website, and I will be raising a glass of sangria to you as soon as I get home from work. You deserve it!

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  20. We live right near Lake Erie, so in addition to tornadoes, we have water spouts. When we moved here from Pittsburgh and I had my first tornado drill at school I was completely convinced that my parents were nucking futts.

    I'm glad you survived the weekend -- was thinking about you and your family!

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  21. I loved the bit where, Lizzie said what's the point of buying eggs as you're all going to die, I love how children put things!

    My Oatie freaks out with the weather he just screams! So glad that you guys are ok and hope the areas that were hit are ok too.

    xox

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  22. Oh dear, another 'healthy' interest for your boy then! Great that you can let other 'nutballs' do the tornado chasing for you!!

    Hey...you should have been in Dublin 3 days ago. We had a tornado only 2 miles away in Bray!! I swear...a feckin' tornado, here in Ireland! They're few and far between here.

    xx Jazzy

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  23. Omg, I am dying over the texts!! Bwahahaha!!

    xo

    ps-who farted? Hahaha!!

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  24. Yeah, the texts put me over the edge. Kids want to know why Mommy's snorting in the kitchen. Awesome!

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