Friday, August 5, 2011

Crazy is as Crazy does.

I lied.  I'm going to dig deep and go back and talk about my vacation for this post.  There was one last thing that happened on Sanibel that I thought only Flannery and Grace would truly appreciate.  Then I'll be all done with this Sanibel stuff.


Remember how I said I like to go shelling?  Well I do.  I go out on my own and stake out the best spots on the Island.  I bring my net, water shoes, sunscreen, power bar and some water.  I take my phone and at my husband's insistence, it's double or triple bagged in Ziplocs so it won't get wet or sandy.  I chuck it all into a small string backpack and I'm off.

Remember how I met the awesome sheller from one of my last posts?  Well, we did a lot of shelling together and she always had her husband with her.  I even mentioned that I thought he had her micro-chipped as he always seemed to know exactly where she was.  Anyway, she was telling me the reason he's with her is that she was out here one time and some guy came out buck naked and streaked from the shrubs to the ocean and back.

That freaked my shit since there weren't any houses around.

And between you, me and the walls, I was a little miffed that no one came streaking out from the undergrowth when I was around.  I mean really, he couldn't just give me a courtesy run?

So there I was, on my own, staking out shells.  I noticed this guy off in the distance and I didn't think anything of it.  I stuck my head down, found some more shells and looked up.

He was coming up to me and talking.

So much for a peaceful day at the beach.

He starts to say all this stuff and I'm stuck between this guy and the ocean.  I can't hear a damn thing he's saying with the surf smashing me around.  Against my better judgement I get out of the water and am like, "Hi!"  Trying to play off that I'm not all alone.

Did you ever meet someone and you just didn't feel right about them?  Like your gut was telling you something (like RUN) but you had to use your brain and figure it out?  The whole time you just didn't feel right.  This was one of those times.

"Hey how are ya?  Good, yeah?  Nice day to be out.  I'm in from Jupiter for the day and thought I'd see what I could find.  Everyone says Sanibel's great for shells but I'm not seeing much.  How bout you?  You finding anything?"

Ummm, yeah....Jupiter you say.  That sounds about right.  Christ.  No need to check, my freak magnet's on.

"Yeah, I'm good.  Just out for some shells.  Found a few things" I say keeping my head low, trying to ignore the shell bag in my hand.  Trying not to appear interested.  At all.

"Yeah, what'd ya find?"  He continues, looking right at my bag,  "Cool, is that a sand-dollar?  That sure is!  You're really lucky to have found one of those.  They're hard to find."

"Sure is." I say as I reluctantly acknowledge my shell bag and the sand-dollar within.  I start trying to head back to the beach with more people, starting to wonder how I can inconspicusly get my phone un-triple-Ziploced without being too obvious.  

"It's really nice to see people like yourself getting out and exploring things.  Did you know there is a lagoon right up there?" he says nudging his shoulder, pointing right up and over the bluff.  "Did you want to go and see it?  I hear it's pretty neat.  Come on, I'll take you, it's right up there."

This is where I lost my shit.  Answered the question if he thought I was alone.  This freak wanted to go explore a lagoon and slice me up six ways to China.  In that time I'd be lucky to unZiplock one bag from my phone.  One bag.  I'm screwed.  And it's so frigging hot, I'd decompose in like, twenty minutes.  I know this, I've watched all the CSI's.  Some bird's going to swoop down and eat my eyeball.   I should never have watched all those CSI's.  Damn you Anthony Zuiker.  Maybe I can start leaving PowerBar crumbs.  Seagulls don't eat PowerBar's do they?  Crap, they eat anything, who am I kidding?  I just fed them half my nail polish from my toes as a joke and they ate it.  Great, now PITA's going to be up my ass-hole if I live.  And I can't even dial my phone since its bubble wrapped six ways to China to protect it from the elements.  Accckkk.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???  Why am I fascinated with China, six different ways when I am about to die?  That's totally weirding me out.  That $300 piece of shit phone is going to be the only thing left of me, all wrapped up nice and neat.  Maybe the phones made in China?  Acccckkkk.  Thank you Ziploc and your I-can't-open-you-in-an-emergency-but-my-meat-won't-get-freezer-burn-but-it-won't-matter-when-I'm-dead-bags.  Maybe you can market that after I'm good and gone.  

I hate you I-phone.  I hate you Ziploc.

Crazy man from Jupiter is still NOT SHUTTING UP about the damn lagoon.  Now what??  I promised Alex I'd make home-made pizza for dinner.  Who's going to make my kid dinner if I don't get back?    

"I think I'm going to have to get going" I say.  "I bet it's nice but I have to be heading back."

This freak followed me all the way back to Blind Pass where some guy named Lou started talking to me and telling me how pretty I was.

See Spanx lady in the background???

I am not pretty.

See look.  Skinny, yes.  Pretty no.

Of course I've not shown you a picture of my face but rather my ass but hey, in my defense, my ass is prettier than my face.

And for the record, I felt like I was in some fucked up temporal vortex.  I had to actually look around and see if this new guy was really talking to me.

Yup.  Yup, he was.

Truth be told, I was never so happy to see Lou in my entire life.  He shook loose the psychopath from Jupiter so I went with it.  I let him go on with his crazy-ass self till I found my way back to the car.

The next day I went back.  This time with my husband in tow.  And guess who's naked hump I saw running out to the ocean?

Yup you guessed it.  I found my streaker.

Vacation Complete.

Note: I have no idea why I decided to share this story.  It clearly shows how much weirdness I attract and all the thing I do wrong to magnify my situation.  But in my defense, I didn't want to bring my husband with me.  Sometimes you just want to get out and be alone.  Clearly that did not happen.  I'm thinking of going back in November or December with my sister for a long weekend.  Anyone wanna come?  It would be like BlogHer, but not.  

Oh, and that sand-dollar Jupiter was checking out?  When we got home Gracie stepped on it and smashed it to a million little bits.  


  1. Ok. It so so so sucks that you can't jsut have fun, relax, and enjoy yourself somewhere without some creeper coming along. I know we sound just like those old people we rolled our eyes at when we were kids when we say "back whan I was a kid..." but seriously, back when we were kids... did we really have to worry about som MUCH of this crap? Yeah, there were creepers, but they weren't everywhere. We used to leave our doors unlocked, for pete's sake.

    Sigh. So I undertand. And I would totally love to go shelling with you. Now, to go back to wishing... right?

  2. That would have creeped me out big time!
    How don't people realize they are that creepy....if his plan was not to let you decompose in the lagoon? Know what I mean?
    Hmmmm.....glad you made it home in one piece.

  3. My head is spinning trying to digest all of that. WTF?!

  4. OMG!! Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?? The next time you go to Sanibel I am sending one of Vince's goombas to accompany you to the beach. Jupiter's naked ass will go the way of Jimmy Hoffa. I can make this happen. Of course, I will probably have to go into the witness protection program after that, and you will never hear from me again.

    A girl's not safe anywhere. ANYWHERE!!

    I am so glad you made it out of there alive. Fucking weirdos.

  5. Unfortunately beaches have a way of attracting loons. So glad you're ok.

  6. Hilarious as ever!! I reckon we should all go, maybe we'd be the weirdos to others!!

    xx jazzy

  7. lol you got two for the price of one...that's what you get for wondering why you didn't get a streaker :)

  8. Holy Hell. Glad you made it through the psycho twin terrors. What a scary situation. Jesus.

  9. You know, you could sling that bag like David smacking Goliath. Would give you 15 feet of running distance before the seagulls got you. ;)

    What? I watch Fight Science on NatGeo. Great show!

  10. LOL Only you could find the only weirdo freak (or... freakin weirdo) on the safest place on earth. hahaha I've seen that guy! He wears a little tiny black banana hammock most of the time but of course since I am not skinny, pretty...or young, he never says anything to me ;~) the funny thing is.... one time, I asked him where a hiking trail was that was so close to wear he was "hanging" out. It was looking for bird eggs and geocache another blogger (Kim @ Snug Harbor) found and I wanted to see them. He seemed embarrassed since I approached him. My husband was pretty close by too. hahaha

    PS- i cant believe I missed the linked post about your shelling sistah! ...And she commented! I love it!

  11. This is seriously the funniest, laugh out loud post I've read yet! Cody kept asking me what I was laughing about.

    "That freaked my shit since there weren't any houses around." hahahaha

  12. @Mom2LittleMiss--I totally know what you mean about when we were kids....

    @Margaret--I know, I mean what if he was just being nice?!? Does he even know how creepy he is/was? Still freaks me out though.

    @John and Allie Fields--I know, I've not been hit on in over 10 years and then 2 psycho's in 1 day....

    @Grace--thanks--I actually thought of you guys when this was happening, how weird is that?!?

    @Amanda--and not the bird variety either. :)

  13. @Jazzy--I suspect we WOULD be the weirdo's if we got together!! Now that would be a sight!

    @lyndylou--you're absolutely right!

    @Kelly--thanks, right when you think it can't get much worse...

    @NJAMB!--I should DVR that show. Maybe watch it a few time before I go down next time?

    @Pam--I know, you have to go out of your way to make trouble while on Sanibel, unless you're going above 35 on Periwinkle but then thats your own stupid fault. Same guy! Gives me the hee-bee-jee-bies.

    @DeeAnn--thanks, I'll try to be serious tomorrow. Naw, who am I kidding? Hehe!

  14. I think I was a bit freaked out by this story the first time I read it...and it's very hard to comment without thinking about it! Hope it doesn't happen to you again x

  15. Wow. You *do* attract crazies. Bummer. Also, you are clearly gorgeous, and therefore just as crazy as Mr Jupiter was. Oh, and sorry about the sand dollar.

  16. Oh heavens. Next time, maybe wear a conch shell in your bikini bottoms, don't shave your pits for six months prior to departure, and swat at imaginary bugs a lot while laughing maniacally. Maybe the key is to out creep them. I hope his butt is sunburned.

  17. Creepy. I don't think I could go back to that beach but there again if there is a streaker.....

  18. OH ME ME! PICK ME! I WANNA COME! I WANNA COME! Lizbeth, I LURV being alone, so there is no way I'm going to ever say; "WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU THINKING, YOU SILLY GIRL???" Ack. From Jupiter. I think I chatted with him in a chat room years ago, only he was a fan of incest and his mom's hoots made him hot.

    Freak magnet indeed.

  19. Awwww, look, you used my favorite picture again!

    See, what happens is when you're a hot tamale like that, you attract lots of weirdos and serial killers. Totally true. So what you need to do is to stop at the grocery store and stock up on some twinkies and ice cream, and just do that every day and your problem will be solved.

    If not, then you'll be needing to add a rape whistle to your list of things you tote to the beach with you. And next time some freak compliments your sand dollar, just tell him you can dissect a cat with a sand dollar.

  20. okay, I looked. But appreciatively, and that's okay, right?

  21. oh so dumb...add this comment to your most recent post


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