Friday, October 7, 2011

I knew I should have buried it in the garbage...

I've been relegated to eating pretty bland and tasteless food since the antibiotic I've been on has torn through my gut like a twister through a corn field.

Nice visual, eh?

Anyway, I was eating mashed potatoes for like the fifth time in three days and even though I'm Irish, I was getting pretty sick of them.  So I made some of that Country Gravy that Wal-Mart sells.  It's that white gravy with pepper in it.  Pretty easy to make, just add water and well, that's it.

So I was eating my mashed potatoes, this time with the gravy, and as I swallowed it I was all, "Oh holy hell, the pepper in this shit-gravy is burning my still tender, not quite fully healed esophagus.  Holy shit balls of fire, I think I'm dying all over again and it may be very possible I choke on my own spit and gravy.  Aggggghhhh."

I swallowed down that horrible bite and grabbed the next thing I saw that was edible, because unlike the rest of you guys, it never occurred to me to make a drink.  I grabbed this banana cake my mom had made earlier in the day.

Not the actual cake in question but you get the general idea.

I took the first slice and choked down a bite or two.  Heaven.  It took the pepper out of my throat and for a brief moment I was happy.

And then my gut kicked in.  Uh-oh.

Oh Lord, I don't think I've ever had to clench my ass-cheeks together as much as I've had to this past week.  And trying to cough and clench?  Now that just ain't pretty.  I keep thinking back to those potato chips that had the warning: may cause anal leakage.  I know, I know.  It's just where my mind wonders sometimes.  Your welcome.  

Anyway, I threw the rest of the cake in the trash and ran upstairs to spend a few quality moments catching up on all my reading.

I forgot about the cake and potatoes and everything else and went back to sleeping cleaning the house and later my mom was all, "How's the cake?"

And I'm all, "Hum, what?"

And she's all, "I see you managed a bit of the cake but I guess it wasn't that good because it looks like it all wound up in the garbage..."

And I'm all, "Oh for fucks sake, I knew I should have hid it in the garbage..."

And that is just one of the many ways I'm sure you're glad you're not me.

24 comments:

  1. The honesty here just floors me. lol

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  2. Nothing like a little ass-clenching cough, right?

    That picture of the cake looked like a huge frosted donut to me.

    And yes, well, for today? I'm pretty happy over here in my own Casa de California.... care to come for a visit? (We don't have Wal-Mart gravy or banana cake here...)

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  3. My favorite part? That your mom looked in the garbage!

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  4. Sooo, anywho....whatcha reading?

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  5. Do you have celiac?

    Anyhoo,how much fun it must be to have your mom living with you. Seriously I give you kudo's. You are a much nicer daughter than me. :-)

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  6. Oh no! Yes, should have buried that under something. Or taken it right to the outside trash!

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  7. Nothing like gut problems to keep you from wandering to far from home.

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  8. Wait. Did you throw out the WHOLE cake or just the piece you couldn't finish? Because if you threw out the WHOLE cake and I were your mother, you would be sooo grounded, young lady! That is abuse of cake, and you know how strongly I feel about that.

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  9. At least since your mom reads your blog, she'll understand what really happened to the cake.

    You did not just mention the Elestra chips! I called them "slider chips". HA!!

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  10. Listen here, I am Irish too, and even if I was dying with the....Ebola, yeah, the Ebola virus, I would still be able to manage to throw some cake down my gullet and, believe me, it would STAY there. We are supposed to have strong stomachs, with all the whiskey and such.

    What, you're getting all sissified over there????

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  11. This seems like a fantastic blog to use to get to know you.

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  12. OK, the words "walmart gravy" make me have to squeeze cheeks out of nowhere! Have you tried taking acidopholous (that stuff in yogurt) to help keep the good bacteria brewing through the antibiotic? I've never had it actually work, but I bet the people who suggested it to me didn't either! Peppermint tea!

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  13. @Anastasia--I'm good for shocking people. I do it all time. Sad but true.

    @Karen V.--I'm still holding a grudge you left with Brad and George. Don't deny it. I'm on to you...

    @Megan--I KNOW!!!

    @Jen--I'm on book three in the Wheel of Time series. And NO, I did not read all three of them while in the loo. Well, maybe some of them...

    @Margaret--I have irritable bowel syndrome and the antibiotics kill me every time, yay me.

    @Shell--see where were you YESTERDAY? Today was garbage day and it would have been perfect!

    @Mike--I know, I feel like I'm on an invisible fence.

    @Grace--Hell NO, I did not throw the whole thing away. Even if it was banana (a slightly inferior form of cake, I might add) it was still cake. Even shitty cake is better than no cake. I'm disappointed in you, I thought you knew me waaaaay better than that.

    @John & Allie--those are the ones...that just makes me ill thinking about them. EWWW.

    @Flannery--its the antibiotic. It gets me Every Single Time. And I can hold my liquor, just not the antibiotic--although if we were head to head I have to say you'd probably take me down. I have a feeling I'd get drunk faster and then I'd just start laughing. What, what were we talking about again? See, just like that.

    @Jim--Well hi there and welcome to the club. Its not really a club but you get the idea. There is no formality here and, well, pretty much what you see is what you get. Enjoy or run away, I won't be offended.

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  14. If I threw out a cake my mom baked for me, she wouldn't talk to me for months.

    Is the anti-biotic Augmentin? My daughter took this
    a couple of weeks ago and it did the same thing to her. She couldn't wait to take that last dose. Hope you start feeling better soon.

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  15. girlfriend, eat your yogurt! Tons of yogurt!

    Talk about adding insult to injury though with the intestinal distress...

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  16. Heh but yogurt can make IBS worse sometimes.

    I still have trouble eating chicken after my bout of sickness and getting ill just after I ate chicken!!

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  17. Ok, TMI, but I am on a high blood pressure medication (go fucking figure, right - two kids on the spectrum, teen daughter and deployed husband?!). Holy balls, the diarrhea is INSANE. I always think I have IBS, but right now, all I can think about praying and hoping my farts in pubic don't lead to something embarrassing!

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  18. @Andrea--I'm chugging yogurt like beer!

    @DeeAnn--last day was yesterday and I did a little happy dance this AM. :)

    @karensometingorother--I am!! Tons and tons!

    @Broot--I'm not there yet. Haha on the chicken!

    @Kelly--I wish I didn't know what you mean but I do. Just balme it on Ted. :)

    @NJAMB!--I know!!!

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  19. I hear the permanent potty ring is high fashion this fall season. It's the perfect accessory under your booty shorts.

    And maybe the butt-clenching will make up for your anger at yourself for not doing more kegel exercises!

    No need to thank me for helping you find the silver lining.... :)

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  20. You: anal leakage, me: maggots, life is such fun ain't it?

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  21. hahaha!! Only you can make this stuff so funny!! Potato chips and anal leakage? I've heard it all now!
    Wait a minute.... you're Irish? Didn't realise that! cool!!

    xx Jazzy

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  22. I was so psyched about the idea of fat free potato chips that I braved the "anal leakage" warnings. That's commitment. Luckily, I don't suffer from that side-effect. But (heh, heh. she said "butt") I wouldn't have thrown out cake. Freezed it for later, maybe. I do, however, bury whatever worksheets and lame school projects of my daughter's I'm tossing, so as to get away without hysterics. Definitely bury the evidence next time.

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  23. Oh, I haven't laughed this hard in ages. I love the butt clamping. Unfortunately, I had to so a bit of that myself this week. I hope you feel better soon!

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Comments make me all squishy but remember to be nice. If you're not nice then what you said goes *poof.* There's your warning.