Wednesday, January 11, 2012

And you thought I wasn't going to post about Winter Break....

Winter Break, Day One:
Kids get up at 7:01 AM and proceed to complete everything, and I mean everything, I had planned for the entire week in less than three hours.  Like Chinese water torture, this is the beginning of a very long two weeks.

I am scared.

Winter Break, Day Four.  Christmas Eve.
I throw caution to the wind and decide to give haircuts and shower all the kids.

And then make sugar cookies.

Don't those look familiar?  They all found a home.
On my ass.   

And bake a cake.

And with a final loss of all reason, I decide to destroy the remaining parts of my kitchen by making gingerbread houses (yes, that was plural) with all three kids.


And then we went to Sam's Club.

And right about then is when I lost my fucking mind.

Winter Break, Day Five.  Christmas.
Alex gets up at 5:07 AM and pukes three times from excitement, nerves and all the pent up anxiety associated with the Holy Day.  This continues through the noon hour.

I give up on cooking any fancy dinner and order Chinese for the family.

Alex finds his App gift card and is done with presents.  And I do mean done.  He opens all other presents under protest.  He did, however, smile at the Lego sets.

By two PM, Alex insists Christmas is officially "closed for the season" and starts to take ornaments off the tree.  I decide to help him.

Winter Break, Day Six.  The day after Christmas.
I realize I have stopped fixing my hair or caring about it since break started.  I made the mistake of looking in the mirror in broad daylight and realize I needed to tweeze my chin and eyebrows.

Do the chin, skip the eyebrows.  

Kids have exhausted all fun from any, and all, Christmas presents and are begging to watch recorded How it's Made programs and Barbie princess DVD's.  I find the remote faster than I ever have in my whole entire life.

The TV remains on all day.

Winter Break, Day Nine.  I think, I don't know.
I have stopped shaving my legs.

Kids have resorted to playing "How to kill the baby without mom seeing," but the game inevitably falls apart when they turn on each other.

Kids decide to mix in used Gracie diapers with the laundry to see if they can recreate a diaper explosion in the washing machine.   I find the diapers.  They fail.

At some point during break I realize the kids are taking their nightly shower and listening to my running music.  This includes selections by LMFAO, David Guetta, The Crystal Method and Deadmau5 to name a few.  Not a single one of these songs is appropriate for kids.  They are now asking what, "Passion in your pants" means,  "Where the neighborhood whore lives" and last but not least, "Why would someone flick your switch?"

I tell them to go ask their father.

As an added bonus Alex is now perseverating on The Elevator Song by Junior Sanchez.  And yes, "Just like an elevator," is the ONLY thing they say in the whole frigging song.  And the beat never really drops.  Screw you Junior, screw you.

Winter Break, Day Eleven.  New Year's Eve.
Eat a whole other batch of cookies and four doughnuts for breakfast.

Still not shaving legs.  Have not gotten to eyebrows.

Counting down till school starts.

Start my period.  That explain a lot.  Start chewing this like candy.


Send the kids to bed at their regularly scheduled time and decide to explain the concept of New Years in the morning.

Threaten to gut anyone like a fish who wakes me up or thinks its funny to call the old married people at midnight.  No one calls.  

Winter Break, Day I don't know.
Start to rely heavily on what's in this box:


Thinking of placing an ad on Craig's List or E-bay:  Slightly used uterus for sale.  Dependable, regular and sheds monthly.  I still have to work on removal and shipping but you get the idea.

Realize I know almost all the words to Barbie, Princess Charm School.  As an added bonus I know how a fake eyeball is made, how pizzas are mass produced and how aluminum ladders are made, among other things.

The countdown to school is almost over and I'm beginning to miss all our time together.

How's that for irony?

33 comments:

  1. I'm sorry and hope it doesn't offend, but I found this so funny :) I'm sure for you at the time it wasn't however... but you made it through! You're a fab mum.
    p.s. did you really have Chinese for Christmas? What a fab idea!

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  2. You are my hero, Lizbeth! So, how far did you get into that case?

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  3. So I'm not the only one with chin hair to rival the fat man himself??

    You're still better than me. I don't think the TV was turned off at our house. Ever.

    I can't believe you didn't pull out that box of booze on day two. It might have been smoother sailing if you had, just sayin.

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  4. I knew there was something missing in that picture I posted! The chin hair - maybe I can go back and draw it in...

    Why must you shame me with those glorious pictures of baking gone right? Why? I thought about a gingerbread house - and it's a good thing I left it as a thought -

    If you figure out that removal and shipping thing - you're a billionaire. ;)

    (And yeah for Mondays at school!!!)

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  5. "Where the neighborhood whore lives"?? So THAT'S how your kids got my address.

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  6. Oh thank you for this morning giggle!!
    I needed it.
    Is it wrong that I laugh at your pain?
    Bad blogger friend.

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  7. I'm pretty sure the reason people didn't live as long in prior centuries is due to the fact that parents didn't have television. Without it, I would have been dead two years ago.

    I've never made a gingerbread house. Will you adopt me? FYI: Before you jump all over that and make space for me in your home, I can't remember the last time I shaved my legs. Felt it only fair to let you know.

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  8. If it makes you feel better, I'm just one step away from my legs receiving acceptance as a national forest.

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  9. I'm so with you on the leg-shaving thing. I'm not wearing shorts, and my husband doesn't care, so there's very little incentive.

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  10. This totally made me laugh - I'm a horrible person, I know. But it's just all so familiar. Not the activities, but the feelings behind them...

    And shaving your legs? Girl, it's January! This is the time to take advantage of the cooler weather, wear pants daily, and apply the razor to the armpits only... and maybe the chin as needed.

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  11. @Steph--We sure did. I had sweet and sour chicken and the kids had noodles.

    @Mom2LittleMiss--I drank all the white. I think.

    @Flannery--It didn't come till after...I should train the relatives better than that.

    @Karen V.--There has been (relative) peace and calm since school started.

    @Grace--Work on that damn Meme and get back to blogging!

    @Peg--no, as long as you're laughing with me then I'm OK. Trust me, I laugh at me.

    @Kara--I never thought about that. That's probably good for a masters thesis or something... I'm talking about the TV bit, not the legs bit. As long as you shave before swimsuit season then move on in!

    @Allie--The John and Allie Fields Forest. That totally sounds like it could be up for a Park Service Nomination or something. Now if only I could get that visual out of my head...

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  12. Oh Lizbeth, this is just hilarious! You did mean us to get a giggle, didn't you??!! The funniest were the songs and your ebay ad!!

    And if you ever need any help getting through a case of the good stuff just call me... I'm a good friend like that too ;-)

    xx Jazzy

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  13. Oh gosh, I shouldn't be giggling over this should I? But...how could I not?

    You are better than me, I would have opened that box day 3.

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you had Chinese on Christmas. Good for you!

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  14. And this is why I love Blog Land. Because the things that make us stress and cry and scream and rage and stop taking care of our worn-out bodies can actually be laughable when we share them with each other. Always nice to know I'm not "the only one"... :)

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  15. If you need to run away and hide for a few days the basement room is almost clean.

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    Replies
    1. Didn't you hear me banging last night....

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  16. Lizbeth, there is just so much to comment on with this fun post. Do you get stuck with watching/talking about "how it's made" too?!? Mon dieu, I hate that.

    You posted that CRACK PHOTO OF COOKIES AGAIN. I'm going to go have a stroke.

    Yeah, we had to take down our tree pretty soon after Christmas and Jack even said the next day we should have done it, because, what--are we all IDIOTS? CHRISTMAS IS OVER!

    loved all the baked goods. I forced myself not to do that this year!

    Jack and Alex are the same about presents: once they've opened what they were yearning for, they don't give a crap about the rest.

    Hilarious about the face in natural light. That's ALWAYS a shocker.

    You survived it woman! Well done!

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    Replies
    1. Just for you I may post my LIFE in cookies. I'm a giver like that.

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  17. you are soooooo awesome and funny
    Loved this post

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  18. So is the box with the liquor half empty or half full? Great posts!

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    Replies
    1. Dude, that box is long since empty.

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  19. OMG, I'M SO FRIGGING EXCITED WITH THIS NEW COMMENT DROP DOWN THING WITH BLOGGER!!!

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    Replies
    1. THAT I'M GOING TO REPLY TO MY OWN COMMENT!!! YES, I'M A GEEK LIKE THAT. AND YES, I DO MEAN TO YELL!

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    2. hey, I like it too!!! Hilarious post btw. Makes me feel a bit better for not making it to Xmas at your place- except the drinking part. I would have helped you, and then made he who shall not be named go back to the liquor store and buy us more. hahaha

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    3. Okay, so it's new? Because I thought that maybe there was a memo or something, and I missed it! I love it too!

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  20. When is my care package of wine, cookies AND my whore conch arriving?

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    Replies
    1. You mean your junonia??? That is in my office, for safe keeping. Haha!

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  21. I can only assume that there will be a post in the near future detailing how fake eyeballs are made? Do you have a break in february to look "forward" to?! LOVED THIS POST (yup, enough to capitalize it!)

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