Friday, April 6, 2012

The sacrificial lamb has been eaten.

We're ramping up to another holiday this Sunday and while I'm not of the Church-going variety, my kids latched on to the idea that a big tricked out bunny coming over to the house and dropping off an ass-load of candy wasn't such a bad idea.

That and I'm a whore for ham.  Not like Dairy Queen mind you but I do like a piece of pig ass every now and again.  And deviled eggs.  I love deviled eggs.

Anyway, we have this tradition in our house that we have a lamb cake for Easter.

See?
Circa 2006.  Ignore the melting icing.
Yup, that's me and the kids in the picture back there.  

Everything was all well and good until one year my sister hacked into the poor defenseless lamb, chopped off it's head and exclaimed in her best lamb voice, "ACCCKKK!!!!  I'm dying!!  I'm bleeding!!!  Help, help me!!!  Baa.  Someone chopped off my head!!!!  Ouch, my head hurts!!!  Baa.  Anyone see my body?"

While she was saying all of this, she had the lamb head in her hand and moving it up and down on its body like it was talking, all the while still going, "Accck!  My head hurts, has anyone seen what's happened to my head?  Baa."

She thought it was funnier than shit.

Circa 2005.

This is the point in the story where my son Lost His Fucking Mind.  He damn near had a stroke.  He started screaming, flapping running around senseless all the while uttering,   "ACCCCKKKK, you killed it!  YOU KILLED IT!  Put its head back on Aunt Nichole!  Oh no!  YOU KILLED IT.  Please, please, please Aunt Nichole give its head back!  Its going to die!  Please give it the lamb back it's head!"

Then he curled up into a fetal position on the kitchen floor and started wailing and rocking.  

Doesn't matter the lamb was already dead and, stay with me here, it was a cake and we were all going to eat it.

Oh no.

Aunt Nichole brought the damn thing to life and killed it in one fell swoop.

Didn't help the lamb cake that year was read velvet.  Didn't help one bit.  So as she was banging its head on its body "talking," pieces of it were falling off making it look like it had its throat slit and blood was pouring out it's neck.  

I have no Easter lamb pictures for 2007, the year the lamb came to life.  We were too busy looking for ways to kill Aunt Nichole, cleaning up puke and binge drinking.

Circa 2009.

And the irony?  I still have the cast iron lamb mold and I have yet to make this years cake.

It probably worked out for the best, I'm sticking with vanilla.

Happy Easter everyone.

43 comments:

  1. lmao!!! I would have pissed my pants at that broken lamb with red velvet. OMG MASSACRE! hahaaa! Good stuff :)

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  2. So is it bad that my boys would laugh their asses off at the red velvet lamb massacre? I can't even predict which one would be the one to suggest or be the one to actually cut the head off. It's a toss up. At least I know they inherited their warped sense of humor honestly.

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    1. Now we have this thing where the kids fight to chop off the head or ass. Yeah, they're all mine....

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  3. Good stuff indeed! OMG. Your poor kiddo, but Jeezuz...that's some good stuff. So. How hung over were you the next day? Has anyone heard from Aunt Nichole since?

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    1. Yeah, she lived through it. Thing is, I was laughing my ass till I saw Alex go flying by me trying to get her to stop. Then I was like, "OH SHIT."

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  4. Lamb cakes are just wrong --- at ANY level (but especially at autistic preschooler lever). I have an especially sick friend who likes to put a strawberry jam filling in her lamb cakes. Needless to say, we will NOT be spending Easter with her family!

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    1. Se, I think I would lurv your friend. I know my sister would....on second thought I think we should keep them apart. God knows what they'll come up with!!!

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  5. we're lucky to have a hot crossed bun, let alone CAKE!!!

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  6. OMG love this...
    is this lamb turd around lamb 2005?
    My boys would love this...gory parts especially. Baaa

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    1. I forget what year, maybe 2007. I don't know. Now the kids love it...so weird.

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  7. Awesome. This reminds me of the red velvet armadillo cake in Steel Magnolia's.

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  8. What? I'm feeling bad for Alex. Sheesh! And I want to be sure you are doing the lamb cake. Until I saw it last year- I didnt know people even made one. And I'm in awe that this is a baked good. (you know how bad a cook I am). Your talk about vanilla has given me some slight reassurance, however. Just don't invite the slaughterers. ;)

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  9. What? I'm feeling bad for Alex. Sheesh! And I want to be sure you are doing the lamb cake. Until I saw it last year- I didnt know people even made one. And I'm in awe that this is a baked good. (you know how bad a cook I am). Your talk about vanilla has given me some slight reassurance, however. Just don't invite the slaughterers. ;)

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    1. I made a pink one this year the damn head fell off as I was icing it. I'll post a pic on FB, I think. Now I have to make another lamb. I'm over Easter and it's not even here.

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  10. You cannot make stuff like that up, that is comedy GOLD. Poor Alex, true, but still... As a bad mama, I would have been laughing extremely hard throughout the whole thing, or at least making a huge effort NOT to laugh.

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    1. Oh I was laughing my ass off till I saw him...

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  11. If we look on the bright side, at least aunt Nicole didn't start savagely eating the lamb head with her hands. Your son probably would never trust aunt Nicole again. And since you love deviled eggs, it's best not to expalin that they're actually baby birds. Then you and aunt Nicole would be in the same boat. Happy Easter Liz.

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    1. Haha, I never thought of that. Best to eat those deviled eggs by myself... Have a good one too.

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  12. As I was reading, I was wondering if the cake was red velvet, because that would have been perfect. OF COURSE IT WAS RED VELVET!! OF COURSE!!

    The autism mom in me wants to kill Aunt Nichole right along with you, but the before-child part of me that still barely exists really likes her. I'll assume Aunt Nichole was childless at the time of this incident.

    Wanna know what we're having for dessert on Sunday? A coconut cream pie I picked up at the supermarket yesterday for $4. I do things big around here.

    Hope you enjoy going down on your ham. Happy Easter.

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    1. She was totally childless and still is. I'll keep you posted on what happens this year. So far the lamb cake I made committed suicide and it's head fell off. Just sat there and effing fell right off. IT'S FUCING HEAD FELL OFF ALL ON ITS OWN. Gawd, I'm screwed this year....

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  13. Everyone needs an Aunt Nichole to teach them that they really can survive early childhood trauma.

    And now someday, someday, the boy can torture his own family with bleeding lamb cakes. YAY!!

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    1. He's going to be a pro at it. He's learning from the very best.

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  14. Eek poor lamb.

    Mmm. I also love devilled eggs. We're having some for Easter.

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    1. See, I love those eggs. I can't wait.

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  15. I defy anyone on Planet Earth to find a funnier and more profane Easter Asperger's story.

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  16. Oh man! Your poor son! I think joel, up there above me, said it all.

    Oh Lizbeth...can we get together and eat deviled eggs?!?!? I know that sounds weird, but eff me I love those things, and nobody else in my house does
    :(

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  17. Oh no...that story just kept getting worse/better! Can you mold jello in that cake pan? Why yes, I am thinking jiggly blue lamb!

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  18. OMG - that's an intense Easter moment. I thought my family had the biggest drama down. :)

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  19. I'm not sure what a red velvet cake is, but it sounds scary! No-one believes in the Easter Bunny in this house anymore :( "there's no such things as mutant rabbits, Mum" so Easter has fallen a little flat, just a hyper aspie boy running up and down fuelled by chocolate :)

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  20. It's reminiscent of "Steel Magnolias" and the red velvet armadillo groom's cake. Hope the ham and eggs were A) not green and, B)only had a one way trip for all involved.

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    1. Kara, I miss you! Go post something!!!!

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  21. I'm just now reading this post after I saw all the pics on FB. Oh, this is just hysterical! Sorry for Alex, but wow, so funny. I would probably have done something similar, but it would have been my daughter who freaked out. Danny, despite his autism, is now pretty good at spotting when I am screwing around. he just rolls his eyes and tells his crying sister, "She's just kidding, Charlotte! Sheesh!"

    Hope you had a nice Easter. I am stuffed full of ham and deviled eggs!

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  22. Apart from your poor son, this is hilarious.
    Lamb cake, never heard of that tradition..lol.
    My son has Aspergers to. He told us for this Easter he wanted a "Crunchy" bunny.(cadbury brand of chocolate) Hubby told him we was going to crispy fry a rabbit. Yeah THAT did not go down well...

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    1. Hahaha!!!! Our poor kids!!! One day they will look back on this and laugh, won't they???

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  23. I was laughing out loud reading that as someone above said, you couldnt of made that up. Your poor son though, amazed he is not traumatised every year now as soon as that lamb cake appears!

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    1. I swear, I couldn't make this up if I tried!!!

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  24. I love that story. Your sister must have felt like crap afterward.

    "Sticking with vanilla" is probably a great idea. It is my opinion that vanilla cake with vanilla icing taste the best anyway.

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    1. I totally agree. This year we did pink, I should have stuck to white.

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  25. Oh no...poor Alex! I can just see it all happening! I guess Aunt Nichole never made that mistake again, eh? Must admit, I've never heard of a lamb cake. Which is just as well as I'd never be able to make one!

    Hope you had a lovely Easter this year :-)

    xx Jazzy

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