Friday, February 1, 2013

What's missing...

So I'm back.  I took some time away and before I knew it we had holidays, birthdays, construction, IEP's and all kinds of fun with the flu and other assorted illnesses.  Awesome.

But I miss writing.  I miss my blog and I miss all of you.  

And what I'm going to start off with is no fun and part of the delay in coming back.  I was hoping it would go away, the dust would settle and we could all go about our business.  It hasn't, it won't and I'm over hearing about the horse that's been beaten to death.    

In the Autism community, there has been a long held belief that you are either a parent of a child with Autism or you are an adult self advocate.  Well, truth be told, I am both.  When pushed into a corner I will admit that I am on the Spectrum.  I don't feel I need to wear a badge or proclaim it on the highest mountain, that's just me.  I feel it's pretty obvious when you meet or get to know me.  It's mine, I own it and I don't feel it's anyone's business but my own.

I wrote this a while back.  Still holds true. 

You see, it's taken a long time for me to get comfortable with, me.  I want people to get to know me and not to draw conclusions based on a label.  I want the same for my son, for him to be accepted based on his own merits, achievements and successes.  You see, the world does not make excuses or gives free passes for those that are different.

Which brings me back to what I've seen recently in this community.  I've seen a complete and utter lack of respect.  A lack of respect for the person behind the screen name, the individual.  A lack of respect for what another person has said and a complete disregard for everything except their own agenda.  I have witnessed name calling, calling people assholes, baiting people to attack and agenda pushing at its finest.  I've seen both sides pile-on and add their two cents and the sad part is?  No one is listening.  No one.  How can they, when attack mode has been relegated as the new norm?

And that makes me want to walk away, not to come back.  But, but...I don't walk away from things that are important to me.  Things that I hold dear.  Things that I find unsettling for me and my child's future.   

Without respect, we will continue to beat our head against a wall, beat that dead horse to a pulp.

And here's my take, and granted, you may not like it.

When you are an adult, act like an adult.  It's just that simple.  Quit blaming someone else.  Is not up to me, or anyone for that matter, to tell you how to behave.  And if you don't know?  Then simply ask.

If you're angry, then step away.  Coming into a discussion angry and baiting will only foster those feelings.  And if  you're angry and itching for a fight, please go some place else.  You're simply not going to get a fight from me.  That's not who I am and not who I want to be.

The thing with the Internet is, other people can't read your mind, they don't know the day you've had or what life's thrown at you, and really?  Everyone has their own struggles and issues they're dealing with.  Believe it or not, they may be in a worse place than you.

While the fight goes on, this is as far as I will go into it.  I will not engage.  I won't converse with those unwilling to listen and I certainly won't be baited by those looking for a fight.  And the thing is?  There are plenty of other people like me.  Parents and self advocates who want to get along and understand each other without out a divide.  Those people do exist and when  you find them, you will know.

So I will continue to teach my child how to be respectful and kind.  I will work where I know I'm effective, here, my home, with my children and in my community.  And hopefully what I'm doing will be good enough.  Hopefully my son and others will learn a thing or two.

That is my hope.


36 comments:

  1. So glad you are back, Lizbeth. I tried to take some time off and lasted 40 hours or so. I am learning, just takes some time. I, too, hope people can learn to get along, whatever their personal stories, because we can learn so much from each other, and the support we can give each other is the only safety net some of us have. I am working on my own biases and acceptance, and I hope the rest of the community can do the same. Love you, and again, good to see you are back!

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    1. I hope some middle ground can be obtained. I hope. And thanks, its good to be back!

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  2. I really commend you for talking about your neurology, especially in the wake of all the ugliness online, with advocates accusing parents of not being truthful about being autistic. I think a lot of what's going on is because of a fringe element, not a regular group of people that actually want to engage in meaningful dialogue. Remember, in order to have a "resistance", one must declare a force to resist against.

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    1. Thanks Flannery, I've not been one to tell everyone about my Autism because, its just that---mine. Truth be told, it's not that hard to figure out when you get to know me. I've see what you are talking about and it's not pretty. I only hope others can see this fringe element and take it for what it is. Fringe. There are so many others like myself that want to work together. My hope is that we can.

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  3. I'm so glad you're back. And you're right. Both sides only see their own side and are not receptive to the others because we are constantly on defense.

    Maybe if your son isn't comfortable about you writing about HIS autism, this can be a place where you can write about yours? Because the voices of adults are needed.

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  4. I'm so very proud of you and you KNOW I love you. Lees xxx <3 :)

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    1. And I love you right back but you already know that. xxoo

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  5. Delighted you're back and totally with you on all this conflict. I hate it and try to avoid it and want nothing to do with it. We're never all going to agree all the time, but that doesn't mean we have to fight x

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    1. I was really hoping this conflict would go away. I'm not the best at conflict and like to go (run) in the other direction. I wish there was an easy answer....

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  6. I am happy to see you back...I have missed you. I look forward to seeing you around again...if that is in the cards. :)

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    1. I hope to be back. Baby steps, right?

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  7. Welcome back, dear Lizbeth! I have missed you!

    You express perfectly my feelings on the recent bashing that has been going around the community. I've actually stayed out of it all on my blog because it's just not productive... for anyone. Maybe when we can all just learn to respect each other, we can have a meaningful conversation. Like Looking for Blue Sky said, we don't have to agree with each other, but with an ounce of respect -- for where people have been and what they are facing right now -- we could be so much more.

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    1. I hope we can get to that point. I really hope we can.

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  8. 'The thing with the Internet is...'

    The problem with writing anywhere is you hear one thing as you write. Someone else hears something totally different as they read. Being misunderstood on the Internet is the norm. If you understand what I mean.

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    1. I totally understand what you mean. Add Autism into the mix and it is a true tinderbox, just waiting for a match to set it alight. The Autism community could be such a strong force if everyone could take a step back. I know that's a big if.

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  9. Welcome back! I've missed your blog posts. As usual I am totally oblivious of all the conflict. I swear I must be on the spectrum too but I've done those online test and they say I'm not. My husband says my son and I are a lot alike. I've wondered myself. xoxo

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  10. I am really glad to see you posting again.

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    1. Thanks, I'm trying to comment at your place but I can't to the code thing. I'm sorry!

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  11. If you are on the spectrum, it has made you the special person that you are right now, and it has made you a better mom for sure.

    As for all the fighting, you're so right!

    Glad you are back! I'd french kiss you, but I've been sickly...

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  12. This post right here is why I missed you and enjoy you so much!

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  13. Your voice is needed. Absolutely. As a parent and a self advocate. I'm glad you're back.

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  14. Hello there! So glad you're back! You must have left while I've been on my break. I'm slowly emerging back into society myself...lol Not sure what drove you away... from my experience, i'm sure due to hurtful judgmental parents that think if you don't agree with their way, and their clicks, then they make you feel like you're a piece of caacaa

    So glad you're still around :)
    You get it. And, you're genuine. Hard combination to find.

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  15. Join my to the chorus of those who are glad to see you are back!

    Since my daughter still doesn't have a diagnosis, I avoid the parents vs advocates debate, but all the conflict makes me sad. A little respect and compassion can go such a long way.

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  16. I'm glad you're back and I'm sorry you're feeling kinda crappy about all this. I don't know a lot about the Spectrum, but I used to not know a lot about mental illness either - until Depression hit me - and now I cringe at that poor person I used to be who didn't have it on her radar. Respect and compassion. You got it.

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  17. Scrolling through my reader I saw this! I would never have guessed but maybe that due to my own spectrum-i-ness. I've felt we drifted apart. I find it hard to keep up on FB and Twitter. Both forms of social media are daunting to me. I love your writing. I hated the conflict. I tried to stay out of it as well but we all have our feelings... Glad to see you back. xo

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  18. So glad you're back! And you are absolutely right. There are plenty of people like you - people who want to listen, to learn, to get along, and to understand each other. Being kind and respectful, and teaching our kids to behave that way, is a much better place to be. <3

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Comments make me all squishy but remember to be nice. If you're not nice then what you said goes *poof.* There's your warning.