Monday, June 13, 2011

The eagle has landed.

So we made it to Sanibel. That means my house is up for the taking, partying and looting. Be advised that with the remodel we now have an upgraded security system equipped with indoor lasers and twenty four hour video monitoring I can see from here. If that doesn't deter you then have at it.

Now that I've got that out of the way, I'm happy to say we made it all in one piece. En route I may, or may not, have said:
  • "I don't care if you don't have to pee, sit on that God dammed toilet and eek something out."
  • "Please don't let me kill this TSA agent, please don't let me kill this TSA agent, please don't let me kill this TSA agent."
  • "Really, it's soy milk. That's butt paste. And that's my birth control." There was no way I was risking that getting lost in the luggage to which Alex exclaims, "Mom brought her no more baby pills with her. Looks like we won't get a baby on this trip."
  • "Sit down, shut up, and act like you are having fun."

With all the technology we brought down with us I still don't have the ability to download pictures. That is confounding me as our condo looks like a Radio Shack right now. I don't understand this at all.

Alex has decided to boycott the beach as I've not allowed the I-touch near the ocean, Lizzy went head first into the water and came out almost puking exclaiming, "it tastes awful!" and I looked over to see Gracie eating some cereal she dropped in the sand.  Right now all the kids are hypoglycemic and acting like ass holes.

Not to be outwitted by our little ass holes, we took them on a boat cruise of the nature preserve only to have Gracie throw her bottle overboard.  Since it's a nature preserve we had to go back and retrieve it.  By that I mean the boat was turned around four different times to fish the damned thing out of the water since we couldn't get it on the first three passes.  Alex banged his head on the guardrail when the captain over shot the pilings and ran into the pier and Lizzy, well Lizzy, I lost track of her five minutes into the tour.  After Gracie threw her bottle overboard she started a nonstop screaming marathon which scared off all the manatee and dolphin thus pissing off everyone on the boat that wasn't all ready pissed at us.  We almost got thrown out into the estuary.

Good times.


  1. Gosh... I don't even know where Sanibel is! Sounds...umm.... fun?!! I know you will have fun though, in amongst the mini disasters. And as you didn't forget one main item there'll be one particular mini disaster that won't be happening! hehehe!

    We will be having the same itouch/nintendo pool-side 'discussions' soon...can't wait!

    (Psst... I'm about to give you an award, if that's ok? Check mine in about an hour..or whenever!)

    Enjoy your hols!

    xx Jazzy

  2. Oh no. This is all just so bad that it's almost funny, but for your sake, I won't laugh.

  3. Well that's just great! I decide to read this at work, and I laughed out loud and almost got busted!

    That sounds like a fabulous trip! We went bowling yesterday and Connor tripped and fell while holding the ball, thus banging his chin on it, causing an eruption of tears and screaming.

    Want to go on vacation together??

    Seriously god damned funny post.

  4. Do the butt paste and no more baby pills have anything to do with each other?

  5. How do you know how hot bison balls are? If you are not missing any family members and not in the ER, it's a great vacation, in my book! ;)

  6. Vacation stories are the best. Thanks for sharing!

  7. OMG I just love it, well you should do stand-up...

    I hadn't finished laughing from the butt paste-birth control pills, before the head-banging and the bottle incident....

    lol! Brian, (butt paste and birth-control pills relationship... lol!)

    just love it, glad to see that your vacations sound as blissful as ours...

    I think my favourite line was... "Sit down, shut up, and act like you are having fun."

    just love it,



  8. Awesome post! Look at it this way: maybe you are getting all of the shit experiences over at the beginning and the rest of your trip will be rosy with familial love and memories. Could happen, right? RIGHT??

    The baby bottle overboard is pure gold, btw. Four passes to scoop it up - holy hell that's good stuff. For the blog. Not that you had to experience it. :)

  9. This is why I never go on vacation.

    Please try to relax. . .as much as you can. . .with three children near a large body of water.

  10. "Sit down, shut up, and act like you are having fun."

    Ah, yes. This reminds me of all the times that my dad would stop the car on the side of a highway, lean back over his seat, and say to my brother and me, "If you kids don't behave, we're turning right around and going home. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?! Because if you're not enjoying yourselves, we can always GO HOME."

    It worked really well until we figured out that there was no way he was turning the car around and leaving New Brunswick before we'd even gotten to Nova Scotia.

    This is just to say that it sounds like you are having an All-American family vacation. Not the kind you read about in guidebooks, but still...

    Is this comforting? :-)

  11. @Jazzy--thank you! Yeah at the end of the day we have all his electronics so he's happy!

    @John & Allie--please laugh, I won't be offended. Much. hehe!

    @Flannery--I pity the poor fools who get near us if we went on vacation together. And I would love every second of it!!!


    @Brain--I can't say.

    @Karen V.--I don't know, I just assume they're as hot and sweaty as they sound....

    @Mel--yeah and we're just now settling in....

    @Kelly--And I so wanted to get a pic of the bottle floating in the ocean but the other passengers were so close to mutiny I couldn't. Now that would have been GOLD.

    @Grace---you crack me up. Every Single Time.

    @Rachel--not comforting but made me laugh. That ticket went out the window (literally) after the boarding door closed on the first plane. Then both kids knew they had the upper hand....

  12. I'm with Kelly- sure, you might all be miserable but this is pretty awesome blog material. Seriously, I couldn't stop laughing.

  13. Love this and can so relate to it all! Try flying with your kids on a 9 hour flight. We lived in Brazil for awhile and I made that trip with my two monsters I mean kids by myself twice! I was ready for Prozac by the time the flight attendant showed us how to buckle our seat belts. Or rather I should say showed my darlings how to unbuckle which they continued to demonstrate the entire flight! They are older now and pretty good travelers.
    I still have two days of school left then I will be pulling my hair out dealing with the little beast all summer! Hey thanks for stopping by my blog. I need to say thank you to Flannery for introducing me to some new blogs like yours! :)

  14. Please take me with you the next time you go on vacation. Not because it sounds like all that much fun, but because I really should get out of the house more.

  15. LOL...yes, that sounds like a proper vacation. :)

  16. And this, my friend, is exactly why we don't take vacations anymore. Are you having fun yet?

  17. Yaay for fun vacations! Hope it gets better xx

  18. Sounds alot like our vacation to Dewey Beach last year with little Eric and the crew.
    Nevermind ...yours sounds way funnier.
    Would love to be at Sanibel...can I bring Eric? The more the merrier!
    Thanks for the smile this morning!

    Deb (Eric's Grandma)
    For some reason Google won't post comments so I had to do it as Anonymous. Hope they fix it soon.

  19. @Christy--I know, I wasn't too happy when it happened but was thinking the same thing!!

    @Sharon--now that trip sounds painful. I'm glad you stopped by, Flannery keeps good company!

    @Handflapper--you're more than welcome to come down but I have three hell babies and they all live up to the name....

    @Amanda--I feel like we're with the Griswold's...

    @Accidental Expert--more fun than you can imagine...I've started to drink. Heavily.

    @Looking for Blue Sky--it has or I've gotten way too drunk. I'm not sure which.

    @Deb---I know, what is going on with Blogger?!? It needs to cut it out!


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