Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Vacations go better with alcohol.

It has come to my attention that I'm not very good at this vacation thing.  Thank you dear husband.  I love you, I really do.  Apparently I like to get up and do things and the rest of my family does not.  I've been told to, "relax, calm down, enjoy things and take it easy." Usually these comments are being said to me while an alcoholic beverage is being slid across the table.  If the drink does not get close enough to me it gets shoved over with a fork, plate or anything to move it within my reach.

And all of these comments have generally pissed me off.

I can't seem to sit down and do nothing.  The rest of my clan is perfectly happy slumming it out on the beach.  Don't get me wrong, I can do that.  I'm just having a hard time doing it all day long.  I'm pasty white with no skin pigment so I last about twenty minutes before I go from white to pink to magenta.

I went out for a run in the afternoon and damn near died.  I was hallucinating and thinking about a Star Trek episode where Jean Luke and Wesley were stuck on some desert planet and were dying themselves.  They were chewing on rocks to keep spit in their mouths.  All I kept thinking of was, "where'd they get those rocks?  That planet's a desert."  And then "where can I get me some of those rocks round here?  I think I'm dying myself.  I don't have any spit in my mouth.  Oh my God, I think my blood's congealing."  And I actually started to look down at the ground for rocks to stick in my mouth.  How fucked up is that?!?

While out on my run, I think I told a group of Japanese tourists to go off the island instead of going to Captivia which was their original destination.  In fairness, I don't know why they stopped and asked me.  Anyone who lives around here knows only stupid tourists are out in the heat of the day going for a run.  Even other tourists were looking at me like I was nuts.  In fairness, they're all right.

Anyway, I'm trying to give this a good shake.  I'm trying to relax.  I've started to drink heavily and it does seem to take the edge off.

So what if the kids get a little too loud at the beach?  We're never going to see these people again.

So what if Gracie pees on the carpet?  Twice.  It's not our house, my carpet.  That's what a security deposit's for, right?  Right??

So what if this creature crawled out from under the sofa?  It's not my bug.  Again, not my house.

Had I not had a glass or two or six under my belt, that would have had me pissing my own pants. Not to mention all the crap that would have been spewing out of my mouth.  But having had enough alcohol in my system to deaden all my nerve endings I just got a good giggle out of it.  

I actually put it in a glass on the ground and let the kids name it and keep it as a pet for a while.

See what happens when I relax?

I let my kids play with roaches.  

I think my husband is seriously concerned with this turn of events but hey, I'm starting to relax.


  1. You had me in your corner right up until the roach crawled out. I would have seriously shit my pants, and moved to a different hotel. Seriously cannot abide roaches.

    Although in the south, FYI, we call them Palmetto Bugs. Has a much more gentile ring to it than roach, doesn't it?!

  2. My first thought: isn't everything better with alcohol?

    My second: were the kids happy? Were they entertained? Will the roach tell the other roaches to scram unless they too want to be playmates for kids who are loud and pee on the carpet?

    See, it's all good. ;-)

  3. You have given me new appreciation for staying at home. SPF 100, a lot of water, bug killer and no more runs during the day. Chewing on rocks?! I think they call that sunstroke! Run early in the morning! Find some shade, earbuds and a good book! (I'm like you - I can't just lay around on the beach all day).

  4. Further proof that a glass of wine, or five, solves everything.

    Here's an idea for your rock-in-the-mouth problem: stop running so damn much. I have a strict policy against even running to the refridgerator, and you're making me look bad. Knock it the hell off.

    Gracie should have peed on that roach. That woulda showed him. Practice her aim and let me know how that works out.

  5. See, I don't understand running. Of course, I don't understand sweating, and avoid it at all costs.

    Maybe you should take up the end of your vacation you could all have brand new winter scarves and blankets.

    I'm going to have to call our joint vacation off, because I am really, really good and chill-axin' with a drink. Scary good.

    Oh, but I do relate to pasty skin and sunburn! I'm of the Scotch-Irish/German descent too, and we're not made for the beach.

  6. Right this moment outside my window it sounds as though aliens are invading, which doesn't have anything to do with anything except Jean-Luc and Wesley probably saw an alien or two during their rock-chewing ordeal. But I think it's only the severe weather siren. I think they test it every Wednesday at noon?

  7. Okay, you had me at the title with this one--being a strong proponent of the "sometimes mommy needs a drink" philosophy. But the roach thing? Ewh. On a serious note, isn't it weird how we're no better at doing nothing than our kids are?

  8. It wouldn't be Florida without the huge cockroaches. I haven't been there in 20+ years and I still remember the cockroaches. LOL

  9. Hahahaha!! I can just picture it... all of it!!I WILL HAVE NO SUCH PROBLEMS WHEN i GO ON HOLS NEXT WEEK, I can slum it anywhere with the best of 'em... see ya under the table...with the bottle of pinot!!

    chillax woman!

    xx Jazzy

  10. Remember those Real Men of Genius commercials: My favorite:

    Here's to you, Mr. SPF 150 wearer. you're safe even if two suns come up tonight.

    Has nothing to do with the post. No, you're not hallucinating.

  11. I feel like Crocodile Dundee but I have to say it "You call THAT a roach?" You need to come to Australia and see our bugs. I completely relate to the not being able to relax though. My bet is you will start to relax when it is time to pack up and go home. Murphy's Law baby.

  12. @Kelly--much better ring but now that I remember those things have wings and fly, right??

    @KWombles--well, other roaches didn't come out and play so it was all good. Whew!!!

    @Karen--I've been going out in the AM--it's only like 102 then. I've taken to bringing water and that seems to keep my blood from thickening!!!

    @Grace--see, next time I'm going to just e-mail you privately, that would have been so much better to have the baby pee on it.

    @Flannery---I understand, I'm not sure I'd want to vacation with me either. :) I'm getting better though and by 2 drinks or 10AM I'm relaxing pretty well.

    @Handflapper--yup, every Wednesday at noon. See, we'd get along well, my brain works like that too.

    @Apples and Autobots--I KNOW!!! I can's say much when A. tries to put us on a schedule--I actually like it!!!

  13. @Amanda--they're gross, aren't they?!?

    @John and Allie Fields--pretty hard to catch too.

    @jazzy--you crack me up! I can't wait to hear all about your fun!

    @Brain--I remember those but vaguely, clearly I was not their target audience....

    @Noonie--I know!! My sister is in Oz and when we went to visit I ALMOST DIED when I saw a huntsman and some other spider as big as a dinner plate......they still keep me up at nite.

  14. We call them Palmetto Bugs down here, not roaches. That makes em whole lot less gross, right?

  15. The last proper run I did there's a video of me swaying over the finishing line...I wonder would rocks have helped?

  16. deadly heat, people telling you to relax, Japanese tourists, and roaches....yeah, you're definitely in Florida. WELCOME!

  17. @Big Daddy--Ummm, no.

    @Looking for Blue Sky--I don't know...something to think about though!

    @Danielle--I don't know how you guys live down here.


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