Monday, January 23, 2012

I'm so not the hero today.

So the other night I was trying to think of something new to do after the umpteenth time of watching How it's Made reruns and I had the bright idea of watching The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe with the kids.  See, we've been reading the book and it was on cable the other night, so I recorded it.

It was going to be perfect.  It was going to be great to see how the book differed from the movie and we could really work on story progression and character development---some things I've noticed that are becoming a weak spot for Alex as he's getting older.

"Hey guys, you know how we've been reading The Chronicles of Narnia?  Yeah??  Well, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe was on cable last night so I recorded it.  Ya wanna watch it?"

"NO."  Came out of the older two kids mouths faster than me declining sex while on my period.  There are some thing I just don't do.

Anyway...

I'll save you all the gory details about how I bribed, wrangled, fed them popcorn in the living room, gave them money, got them to sit down long enough to watch the damn movie but we watched it.  I was happy.  Life was good.

Yeah, wrong.

A few hours later I hear Alex telling Lizzy, "I want to start doing things slow.  Like really slow.  That way things will be really boring and we can live longer."

What?!?  I could tell by the tone in his voice something was up.  Really up.

This continues all the way up to dinner time where Alex is eating slowly, moving slowly, talking slowly.  It was like stop-gap animation.  After turning into Sherlock-frigging-Holmes and practically a Dateline investigative report later, I finally wrangled out what was up his crawl.

I present to you the condensed version:

"Alex, why are you eating so slowly?  Does this have something to do with The Chronicles of Narnia?"

"Yeeeaaaah."

"Is it because the witch was mean?"

"Yeeeaaaah."  He starts sobbing.

"And because she turned all the animals into stone?"

"Yeeeaaaah, I don't wanna die.  I'm eating slowly so life can be boring.  It will make it appear that I'm living longer because I'm sooooo bored."

"Mkay.  Well, the good news is, you're not going to die.  The bad new is, you still have to eat your dinner."

See, in his mind all the animals the witch turned to stone were killed and dead.  Doesn't matter that Aslan breathes them back to life.  Oh no.  No, no, no.  Some of them legitimately died.  She kung-powed a few of them with her wand and they died where they stood.  Don't forget the few she blasted with her wand while they were flying and then, because they were rocks, smashed to bits when they landed.  Add to it at the end, Aslan basically eats the Witch and that pretty much sealed the deal.  It was all over.

Alex got the shit freaked out of him.

Thank you C.S. Lewis.

So I had a bright idea.

"Hey guys! Come on.  Lets go downstairs and watch Rango."

I was going to be a hero.  I was going to get him off death.  I was going to switch gears with another movie and I was going to save the day.

At this point in the action I have to tell you, I've never seen Rango before.  How bad could it be?  It had Johnny Depp.  I like Johnny Depp.  It was animated so it had to be safe.  And did I mention Johnny Depp?

I have never been so wrong in my entire life.

WRONG.  WRONG.  WRONG.

If you have ever seen Rango, you know my fate and are most likely laughing your ass off right now.

Rango makes the Witch in The Chronicles look like a pussy cat.  A fucking pussy cat.

To start off, Rango almost dies in the desert.  He lives, but immediately another character gets killed off.  Then another character gets killed.  And another.  At some point they have this fucking gun-shoot-em-up-rodeo-thing and there's a veritable blood bath of cartoon characters all being offed in rapid gunfire and puffs of smoke.

It was like the fucking Godfather of western animation.  They killed more characters than Pulp Fiction and to top it all off, there are these four snowy owls that make up a mariachi band all singing about Rango's demise and they never really shut the fuck up about the fact that he is going to die.


Can I get a big fuck you?

And last but not least, there is some shit kid-reptile-thing always asking Rango when he dies, "Can I get your boots?"

It was awful.  Just awful.

The whole time we were watching, it was like sitting in the middle of a four alarm fire.  "Did he die?  Mom, did he die?  Where'd he go?  Acccck, did they all just die?  They did die, didn't they???  Wait.  Oh no!  That one died too?!?  Accckkkk!"

The kids are sobbing.  I'm cussing.

In my brain it sounds like, "Fucking Rango.  Damn you Johnny Depp, I should have known better.  Come to think of it Alice in Wonderland was pretty fucked up.  So was Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  Damn it to hell, I'm such an idiot.  Between you and Helena Bonham Carter, you make me look sane."

And that is how I single-handedly pushed my kid right over the edge of reason.  If we were at the Grand Canyon, not only did my kid do a swan dive over the edge, I was right there to shove him off.

Anyone want to watch some How its Made?

47 comments:

  1. Mom's just don't get enough credit.
    This is such hard work.
    I applaud you.
    I drank wine and iced my shoulder all weekend.
    I'm pitiful in comparison.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah but the pups sounds so remorseful. Really it's all the squirrels fault. Get that arm better!

      Delete
  2. I would look on the bright side and take this as an indication that you are not heading toward a future as the mother of a serial killer.

    And also?? My son LOVES Rango.

    That is all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, we already have it, thanks. And about 100 others that feature lots of gunfights, explosions, and death. Ryan finds them all hilarious.

      Makes Rio seem not so bad.

      Delete
  3. Dude, didn't I tell you Rango sucked? I told someone...I thought it was you.

    You know what's weird? We had the death thing this weekend too. The last fish dies. He was fine for the 5 hours we delayed disposing of the body, but once he flushed and it was gone, SOBBING.

    Now, even though I had these stupid fish more than Newt Gingrich, I promised him if he has another good week at school that we will go and pick out ANOTHER stupid, stinky fish.

    As for you....have you tried the Japanese anime inspired Disney movies, Totoro and Ponyo? Those might do the trick.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Back the truck up. . . the same guy that did Totoro and Ponyo is the guy that did "Spirited Away" which, apart from being AMAZING and IMAGINATIVE. . . drove my daughter to tears when the main characters parents were turned into pigs and horse whipped about the face.

      Delete
    2. Flan--I think you did, come to think of it. But you never mentioned about a zillion creatures died!!! At least I don't remember, are you sure I wasn't drunk? Cuz that may be the problem right there.

      Jim--I have no idea what you are talking about here but I'm a gonna do a Google search. That asshat sounds like the same guy who turned TCofN and Rango into movies....

      Delete
    3. "Hate" not "had"...I have never had Newt Gringrich in my entire life,nor do I intend to.

      Also, for comedy I recommend Shaun the Sheep and Wallace and Grommit. No sheep die in these.

      Delete
    4. I lurv me some good Wallace. And I bet you've had Newt. Fess up.

      Twenty bucks says Connor acts like a prince this whole week and you're gonna be getting a new fish.

      Delete
    5. Whatever...Flannery "had" Newt Gingrich...nanny nanny boo boo! Flannery, you may want to get someting checked out now...I'm just saying. Creepy ass Newt gets a lot of tail, apparently...

      Delete
  4. I could have warned you about CofN. . . I read the book when they were announcing the movie was being made. . . to familiarize myself with it and make sure it was okay. It bored me. That genre is typically right up my alley, but I was bored. GREENLIGHT!

    So when my sister offered to watch it with my oldest daughter (then 6) and her kids I was like "whatever."

    She was a sobbing wreck (my daughter, that is, not my sister) because they fucking BUTCHER ASLAN like a pig!!!

    I forgot they tortured and murdered the big fuzzy lion!! Ugh!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See, I love the books growing up. LOVED THEM!! I never saw the movies either but I got a not so good feeling when the same chick who was Master of All the Borg was cast for the lead as the Ice Queen/Witch. I should have known......

      Yeah, my kid flipped his switch when they started to shave Aslan.

      Delete
  5. Oh. . . No pigs were harmed in the commenting of this blog.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ugh... So sorry about that one, hon. *passes wine*

    Next time, I recommend crafts. Nobody dies in macaroni art.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See, where were you Friday night?!? I could have used that right about the time the Witch blasted Tummus.......

      Delete
    2. haha "Nobody dies in macaroni art!" That's some funny stuff, Miss Karla! :)

      Delete
  7. Ah yes, the good old FEAR OF DEATH. I can't even offer much comfort to my kids on this (although I totally fake it), because I too have a debilitating fear of death. HOLD ME, LIZBETH :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't really fear death per se but yeah, I get the fear. I'm holding ya Karen, I'm holding ya!!!

      Delete
  8. Holy crap. That sounds intense. LOL. I have never watched Rango but now I want to see it because my son is a bit into watching things get blown apart, antogonized and pulverized. He has a sick little mind, like mine.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. C---your son will LOVE it!!! And truth be told it wasn't bad if you are an adult but the ankle biters??? They were freaked out.

      Delete
  9. Oh. Yeah.

    You mean that snake devil dude.

    Sorry. Should have warned you.

    My 7 yr old lost his eyeballs on the ground with Rango. And burst into tears at how naughty Edward was becoming.

    He said, "what if I get that naughty because I"m crazy about sugar, too??"

    Poor things.

    You and I: Aiming Low , one day at a time.

    Here's to Good Enough parenting.

    *high five*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See, I knew we should have become friends before now!!! I told my kids about the boy who cried wolf ages ago and wouldn't you know, Alex was all, "Acck, he's going to die, he's lying! He's lying!!! Acccckkkk!!!"

      *high fives right back*

      Delete
  10. Note to self. No Rango. SH is over the top emotional with movies so I'll stick to your advice and avoid that one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You should try How its Made, she'll love that!!! Alex still likes the Magic School Bus on PBS. They're pretty non-emotional too.

      Delete
  11. It's times like this that make the rest of life seem so boring.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Christ, I almost snorted my soda. Boring indeed.

      Delete
  12. I haven't seen Rango yet. Poor kid, that literal thinking must be going double time. :/

    And just in case you haven't seen Cars 2 yet - maybe hold off on that too. They shout "We're gonna kill Lightning McQueen." Yeah, um thanks Disney.

    A few other movies to scratch off the list: The Lion King, Bambi, Annie, UP...

    Who knew kid movies could be such downers...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's fluttered in and out with Cars 2. He's more interested in Mader's Wild Tales which is free with the DVD. So basically we've not watched the movie but seen these short takes a squillion times.

      Delete
  13. I have not seen Rango (and now see no reason to), but would like to warn that Where the Wild Things Are left 14,11 and me all crying!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Good to know. And the book seems so harmless. Sigh. Bet that would put Alex right over the edge. How its Made is looking better and better!!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. We learned the hard way to watch all movies first. We watch Animal Planet. The Gator Boys and Finding Bigfoot are big hits. But I guess parenting is the ultimate learn as you go event!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No kidding! We also like to watch that show where they find meteorites.

      Delete
  16. Sorry Lizbeth, but I can't help but laugh. Sometimes you just can't win, can you?? And Karla's comment? "no one dies in macaroni art"? Hysterical.

    ReplyDelete
  17. You mean you kept watching once the death began?! Or was it a kind of I can't leave halfway thing for Alex? I don't know if Tootles will grow into having a heart but currently he is all for death by any means on his Wii games. I think it's just that he doesn't get the whole death concept right now.

    How it's Made sounds like great stuff unless they're doing a How a Coffin is Made episode...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We had it on and he flutters in and out and after about 3-5 showings he manages to get the whole movie. I had it on and he never said anything and just kept coming in and out of the TV room. I finally figured it out when there was this big shoot em up scene and he went nuts in the background....

      Delete
  18. Well I have to say that the dying in macaroni art could be a possibility for me.... ROL (roar of laughter!!!)

    OH no! that just sounds plain awful! I remember doing that to my then 3 year old watching brother bear... thinking the title sounded 'nice' and it was up there with Pinocchio for me... he's now 8.5 and his class watched brother bear in class at the beginning of term and i didn't know and well he came home and just cried his eyes out!

    So since then I found IMDB the movie database thing a total lifesaver!

    (right just crossing Rango off my movie to see list...)

    Love

    Mel
    xxxx

    P.S If you haven't seen it even in Barbie Charm school the villan planned a car crash with the purpose of killing....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I soooo have to check that out!!!

      Who knew Barbie could have death threats?!?

      Delete
  19. I'm not sure what it says about my kids, but they loved them both..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha!!! Probably says you're someone I'd like to hang out with!!

      Oh yeah, I deleted my own comment down there because I wanted to reply to you here and not as a new comment!!!

      Delete
  20. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I just want to say HA! OMG! Rango as your "happy time" movie. My heart bleeds for you. My funny bone, though, oh how she laughs!

    Hope things are better and the death deal is a memory for the kiddos. Hell. It'll just come up again in their therapy sessions. :)

    ReplyDelete
  22. Okay, now I'm glad we skipped Rango. Natalie wanted to see it but she'd probably cry...she's sensitive.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I'm laughing my butt off right now. I can totally relate to the Sherlock Holmes/ Dateline Investigation thing, but I also can relate to Alex. That's how I felt as a child when my mom made me watch The Wizard of Oz every year. (Yeah. I'm old. It only came on television around Thanksgiving time.)

    On a different note, I haven't seen Rango. Thanks for critiqueing the movie for me. :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. I'm just getting around to blog hopping, but honestly, I was laughing my ass off when you said you showed your kids Narnia. That and Alice in Wonderland scared the bejesus out of me for a very long time. Longer than I'm willing to admit in public. And yes, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the one with Gene Wilder) and James and the Giant Peach were a close second.

    ReplyDelete

Comments make me all squishy but remember to be nice. If you're not nice then what you said goes *poof.* There's your warning.