Wednesday, June 20, 2012

There should be a rehab program for people like me...

Time for me to dish about what we did on vacation.  Early on, Alex found a Monopoly game.  We played Monopoly for two weeks.  The end.

No really, that was about it.  From there on out, it was Monopoly all day, all night.  Sure we did other things, which no doubt I'll spill, but for us it was beach vacation spent mostly indoors playing Monopoly.  


Alex kicked my ass every time we played.  Every Single Time.  

Apparently I have a little money launderer on my hands.  At best, I've got a kid working out the finer details of a Ponzi scheme.  

He'd set up houses on Boardwalk and Park Place and bleed me dry with all his damn rent money.  I wound up mortgaging my measly homes on Vermont and Oriental.  And that was when I wasn't in jail.  

And do you want to know a secret???

I hate Monopoly.  

I can't stand having to calculate how much money I get from bank after every transaction and how much money I owe in taxes.  Those Chance cards are a bunch of ass-hats and that damn luxury tax can go straight to hell.  Don't even get me started on that horrible douche called Community Chest.  And fast play?  What in the hell is that??? 

More to the truth, I hate that little cackle my son gets every time he sticks his hand out and waggles it around demanding his dang rent money.  

When we were able to drag him out to the beach, all we were talking about was Monopoly, "Do you know it's my turn next, mom?  And do you think we can make a Monopoly game in the sand?  Do you know you've almost lost?  You're pretty close to losing, just so you know."   

When we were biking, "Do you think the Monopoly game will be all right by itself?  And do you know, you only have $20 left?  Those odds are definitely in my favor."  

"Bloody Hell, Wait For Me!
Wait for your fricking mother!!!"

Before bed, "It's too bad I beat you mom, maybe I should play with Dad next time."  

Yeah kid, go play with your father.  

And he did.  And for the rest of the trip he was happy.  He had some real competition and I had the Monopoly monkey off my back.    

Everything was fine, till we had to go.  We had to leave the blessed game behind.  With promises of a brand new game, we headed back to Kansas.  

As soon as we got off the plane and we got the kids settled at home, I went out and bought a Monopoly game.  Normally I don't go out just handing out toys and games for the kids, they have to earn it or something.  But you know, there are times when I value my sanity and a little peace and quiet and this was one of those times.  Right as the wheels hit pavement, he was asking for it and that's no way to live.  I bought that damn game in record time.


And you should have seen him.  His eyes lit up like a thousand stars when he saw it and he fondled that box in a way that made me slightly uncomfortable.  

And now we have a new Monopoly game taking up space in the dining room.  He's still kicking my ass, demanding his rent money and cackling his way to victory.  

Somehow I'm right back to where I started, minus the beach and shells.  I feel cheated, robbed even...and by my own kid.

I don't even know how these things happen....I mean, I get it in theory but really?  Really??  I'm over being beaten by my own kid.  He's enjoying this way too much.

Gaw, I hate Monopoly.  
     

47 comments:

  1. One of my favorite games of all time! I used to sit and play it by myself with my invisible friends. Sad.

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    1. Thats not sad---what's funny is that's EXACTLY what Alex is doing---playing the game with three other "people" so he can beat them too! What's sad is me getting my ass kicked every time I sit down to play...

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  2. You know what I did? Monopoly, Life, and Uno all for the ipad so I don't have to play with them all the time. Technology is a glorious thing. AND bonus for not stepping on the damn pieces anymore.

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    1. AMEN. I stepped on that iron and damn near had a coronary.

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  3. Making a note to avoid introducing this game to my boys! And the way you feel about Monopoly?? I am there, but with Zingo. My son has finally figured it out, and he beats me every time. He's quick, that one. Gaah!

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    1. Zingo?? I've not heard of that one. Must remember to keep him away from the board games at Target.

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  4. My ex-husband's family LOVES Monopoly. So much so, they plan get-togethers around playing it. While I love them, I HATE Monopoly. I just don't understand the attraction.

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    1. You poor thing. I think I'd be drinking. Heavily.

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  5. Lizbeth - you seriously crack me up. I have always HATED monopoly. Who makes a game that lasts for hours on end? How is that a game? It's freakin' torture!

    Macteri - they plan get-togethers around playing it? That is funny.

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    1. Roxanne, we so have to coordinate our visit to Sanibel!!!

      And you should have seen the look on my face when he said he didn't want to go out to the beach. I damn near drug him out by his ears!!!

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  6. Iused top play this game all the time, but I never used to build on Park Place or Boardwalk. I was more of a Baltic type of guy. A few years ago we bought a Dr Seuss Monopoly for Jacob, but he never really got into it. Thank god.

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  7. Have him do Community Service and endow the arts, or something else of a philanthropic nature ... just to get the real feel of a Monopoly.

    And yeah, my daughter beats us all in just about every game possible, from Candyland to Yahtzee. And she keeps asking me to post her victories on my Facebook page -- um, NO!

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    1. I'm sorry but is it OK to laugh with you on this one??? I'm glad I'm not the only parent that is getting snowed by their kid playing board games. :)

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  8. I can feel ya, in a way. But I LOVE Monopoly. Growing up I always played it with my dad. Then, and to this day, I can NOT beat that man. It has never once happened. As a child of around 10 he bought me a book for Christmas that was all about analysis of and strategies for Monopoly. I studied that cursed book. Still couldn't beat him. Not even close. Then I got married. Thirteen years now with this man, I've never beaten him once. It can't be done. One of the greatest days in my life was when I played Monopoly with both my dad and my husband. I didn't even care that I had no chance. I knew that one of them was going DOWN! And I didn't even care which one it was. I just sat back and enjoyed watching it happen. I do enjoy the electronic banking version. No hassle with the freaking cash, and it's much faster.

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    1. But wait----who one that game?!?!? I totally want to know! And can I borrow one of them? Alex needs to learn how to lose this game and I'm not ashamed to say I want to be there when it happens.

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  9. Bwahaha. It could be worse, you know. You could be getting your ass kicked at Candyland..or Go Fish...or a number of other things more embarrassing than Monopoly.

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  10. Welcome to my boxcar, Lizbeth. ;)

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    1. I'm the iron. He thinks I like the iron. I effing HATE the iron and all the "house-wifey" implications that come with playing the iron....

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  11. Lizbeth- You are so funny! I love this post.

    I love how he had a combination of trying to prepare you for your upcoming loss in the game, and kind of rubbing it in;D

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  12. I live for the day that my kid would sit still long enough to play a game like Monopoly. I can't even keep him focused through a game of Connect 4.

    But yeah, I could see this getting old really fast. Time to trudge back to the store for some more games, I think.

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  13. I hate Monopoly! I played it as a kid, but could hardly handle playing it with as an adult with my son. He went through a phase of wanting to play it but luckily it passed fast. He's more into computer games. When he was at college he was always trying to get me to play Second Life with him. He would "teleport" my "avatar" to wherever he was in the game. I didn't get it. Still don't.

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    1. Bwahhhh!!!!! OMG, something tells me to be happy with Monopoly.....

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  14. Amanda already brought it up, but what about Monopoly for the ipad or Wii? Is he not as interested in that? My daughter plays Life and Monopoly on her itouch.

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    1. Totally not interested....he says he likes beating me too much....

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  15. So now we have a future slum lord in the making.

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  16. I used to have fist fights with my brother over Monopoly. He always won, and I was pretty sure he cheated. So I do not like Monopoly, either!

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  17. Just think of the possibilities with all of the Monopoly variations...Star Wars, Siimpsons, various cities...we have Littlest Pet Shop (somehow makes playing it a little less vile and more cute)...we also have a card game of Monopoly---much faster! I actually used to like monopoly Jr, but clearly Alex is past that!

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  18. Everything about this post made me LMAO!!! Sometimes you gotta do whatcha gotta do.

    You are a waaaaay better mom than me. As much as I loved Monopoly as a kid, I hated playing it with my kids. Oops. ;P

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    1. I'm starting to get a burning desire to torch the game board...

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  19. My favorite quote? "You're pretty close to losing, just so you know". Man this whole post was hysterical!! Working out the finer details of a ponzi scheme... Bwahahaa!! He's so cute!

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    1. Can yo come over and babysit....just for one game? Or twenty?

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  20. You know what? I now hate monopoly too. I would have needed lots of wine and meds and solo walks along the beach to get through a mostly indoor board-game playing beach holiday, it just doesn't sound right to me x

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    1. I know....Trust me, I was drinking. Heavily.

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  21. My brother was our "Alex" when it came to Monopoly in our house. He loved the game and he won every. single. time.

    I still hate playing to this day.

    P.S. Isn't there a Monopoly i-thingie app?

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    1. There is an App---but he told me he didn't want it. He liked beating me too much. Then nerve.

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  22. HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA - I love it! I actually like playing Monopoly. But Alex would have kicked my butt too.

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    1. I kinda sorta liked it, till he demanded his money AND pulled out the directions and told me his rent doubled because he had two properties......

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  23. Haaaaaaaaaa, it is the one game my children know better than to ask me to play! I think I might possibly hate it worse than you! For the same reasons, but also add on the fact the game is painfully neverending! I would rather have teeth pulled without novacaine than play that game! LOL!

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  24. I don't think I've ever played an entire Monopoly game. Bless your heart!

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  25. I love games, all sorts. I can totally picture myself on a beach plying monopoly in the sand. Call me next time. But i think this is the funniest post i have read ever :)

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    1. I will call you next time. I wish I could fly you over.....

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  26. Oh gawd...24/7 Monopoly sounds like hell. I'm glad your son enjoys it, but I feel your pain XXX

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  27. hahahahaaha. Hilarious. Monopoly is the devil. I learned a long time ago to stay far far away! :)

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