Friday, July 27, 2012

Just reaffirming you're glad you're not me.

Is it wrong that I've been letting Gracie think a Mylar balloon is really a pet?  For the past two weeks?  And she's given it a name?  And it goes to bed with her?

Yeah, probably.

We went to the dollar store and she immediately saw this balloon and said, "MINE PET!"  After realizing negotiating with a two year old was not within my grasp, I settled on buying some balloons and got out of the store before she found something far worse to latch onto.

I will love it and stroke it and call it George. 

I had to get two more balloons because, really, it was the path of least resistance.  The last thing I wanted to do was to haul my ass up back there, two hours later, with all three kids.  There was no way I was going to live through that.

I got three balloons and got the hell out of there as fast as I could.

And to totally change gears, our daily mecca to the pool has come to an end.  I made the rouge decision to take the kids on a play date at another neighborhood pool.  I think that was my first mistake.

The thing is, when someone asks if Alex wants a play date, nothing short of a prison sentence is going to stop me from going.  He gets so few invites that when someone does show an interest, we're banging on their door before the phone even gets hung up.

He was so excited he couldn't sleep the night before and I think he burned more energy flapping than he did swimming.  It made me smile to see him that excited.

See?  We had to go.

So we went.  We will never be invited back.  Ever.  Gracie made sure of that.  Within the first five seconds of getting there, Gracie saw the water and just waked right on over to the edge of the pool.  I saw her and started screaming at her, "Gracie, get away from that water.  You don't have you floaties!  You get back here ri-----"

And she went in.  Head first.  In the deep end.

I stood there for a minute and I think I thought, "Did that really just happen?"  I knew it did but it wasn't computing.  And then it did.  It clicked.

"OH FUCK.  OH FUCK.  GET OUT OF MY WAY!"

I could see her floating, face down, slowly going down to the bottom.  She wasn't fighting, wasn't swimming, nothing.  Just sinking.

Her hair was wisping, beautiful black wisps, in the current.  I remember thinking how beautiful that was.  I will never get that image out of my head, ever.

I dove in, grabbed her arm and pulled her out.  She was so heavy.  I was heavy, I still had my clothes and shoes on.  It was all so heavy.

The other mom was at the edge of the pool and grabbed her as I thew her out of the water.  There was a pause, the single most longest pause in my entire life, and she coughed.  She coughed up water and puked and then without missing a beat said something like, "Whew!  Dat's wet!!!"

Mine watering cans.....
Totally taking a whiz...




















And that is how you lose ten years off your life, your hair turns white and you never go to the pool again.

As it turned out, the kids had a great time.  They invented a new game called, 'fake drowning.'  We stayed for an hour, that's time limit before it all goes pear shaped, and we went back home.

I'm pretty sure we won't be invited back though.  Something about one of you kids having a near drowning experience is a bit of a turn off.  And honestly, I can't say I'd blame them.

Small blessings though, Alex just looked at her when it was all over and said, "Well, it's a good thing you're not dead.  That would have really interfered with my play date."

Ya think???


52 comments:

  1. Screw saving for your kids' therapy. THEY better be saving for YOUR mental breakdown that they're causing. Holy crap woman.

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  2. I have 3 kids, but they are all 10 and under. One with autism and another with ADHD (impulsive, dramatic, and hilariously awesome- he's my kid's best therapist, no lie). Had to laugh when I read this because it sounded so familiar. You are braver than I. We stay home a lot because I am just not brave enough to be THAT outnumbered. Soldier on, Mama! If they are all alive and happy, you are doing great! Of course, I'm just the Mom that would totally be laughing with you after that episode. :)

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    1. OMG, if you can laugh at this then you know exactly what I'm talking about!!! And if it weren't me, I'd be laughing too. :)

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  3. HA! This is why I never tell Allie about future plans. I think sleep is more important. For example, tonight we are going to a huge get together. She will be clueless until we arrive. Life will be good.

    I never even did the countdown to Christmas because it wasn't worth the aggravation of her not sleeping. Seriously, we never even told her it was Christmas Eve and guess who is coming tonight?

    Unfortunately my parents came last year and ruined that for me :)

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    1. well now you know NOT to bring the parents back for the holidays...... :)

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  4. It may take me a long time to get over just reading that, so I can imagine what it must have felt like to you. But yay for the playdate? And his emotional investment in the playdate?
    (That's all I have. I'm still shaking from your story)

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    1. That was just it, he was so excited to go, he really didn't give two rips about his sister but YAY for playdate!

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  5. Holy. Shit. This is the scariest thing I have read in a while. I mean, really, a balloon for a pet?

    I kid. I'm SO glad she's okay. You must still be shaking. You did good by her. I'd invite you back.

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    1. Haha! I know, right?? A balloon?!?

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  6. Well, I'd invite you back...but probably because my 3 y.o. would have been right there with your 2 y.o. This story?? So how my life is..and the reason I have heart palpitations whenever I take my chaos to the pool...can I ask...has your heartrate stabilized yet?!

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  7. You poor thing! Glad she is ok now. And yes, if she was dead it probably would have ruined the play date. So thank goodness that didn't happen;D

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  8. Maybe Alex will be invited back, he's not the one who almost drowned. Glad everything turned out okay. I also had to endure a near drowning but the victim was my dog who thought the pool cover was solid. My dog never went in the water again. Maybe you're little one won't either.

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    1. And that is why we don't have a pool. Every time I'd look out, all I'd see are visions of my daughter face down on the bottom.

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  10. I just nearly had a heart attack reading that whole ordeal! Goodness gracious.

    Nothing wrong with a pet mylar balloon. We have pet strings, pet tags, pet boxes. A mylar balloon sounds quite lovely actually.

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  11. These crazy kids and their trying to drown in front of mom games!

    Gah, so scary. I would be on lock-down in the house, sitting and rocking back and forth while the kids whine and complain to DO something.

    Time for swim lessons, everyone!!

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    1. You know the sad thing??? They've been in lessons for years.....

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  12. so much for the "swimming comes naturally" theory. We need spectrummy mummy here to explain how to get that kiddo swim lessons. She did that for puddin'.

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    1. I think in our house, sinking comes naturally.

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  13. I nearly chewed a whole nail off reading this. Luckily Ireland is not really warm enough for pools, so I only have to worry about rivers and I can still run faster than my son. For how much longer though? The balloon sounds like a nice safe alternative - Smiley likes them too :)

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  14. Way to save your daughters life. And I love how she didn't seem affected by it at all. And the fake drowning game. Priceless. But I think you should go swimming again. Just put her floaties on the night before.

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    1. Put them on and use Gorilla Glue as well. A girl can never be too sure.....

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  15. That would have really ruined my play date! I love your son. And reading this account (even though I knew it had happened) made my heart start racing. Freaky!

    As for the balloon, when Charlotte was about 3 or 4, she adopted a mini red potato as her pet. She named it Nicey and took it with her wherever she went. After weeks of this, she seemed to have forgotten Nicey, which was good, because I was afraid it would start rotting. As soon as I tossed the potato, Charlotte was looking for her wonderful pet potato. At least the thing didn't leave crap or puke around the house like a real animal would.

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    1. A red potato?!? That is hilarious!

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  16. OMG! Kids really can really ruin a mood, eh? I am so glad she is okay and you have lived to tell the tale.

    I hear you. Moving cars and parking lots are the bane of my existence and why I am supporting the hair colour industry. And the least said about removing-all-clothes-and-running-buck-nekkid-down-the-street-on-a-play-date as possible, the better. Thank goodness that phase was short-lived.

    Passing you a virtual mom martini.

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    1. No kidding, I think I should have stock in Loreal and boxed wine.

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  17. Just reading that post made me decide no more pool trips for the rest of the summer for Lily. I just can't take the pressure!!!

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  18. I'm so glad the play date wasn't ruined! By the time you get your kids raised you are going to need some hospitalization and intense therapy for sure! We are at the beach now and just this morning someone said to us that they haven't seen us in a while. The Murph said "yea, we don't like coming down here in the summer because of all the kids. We are done with kids!" It's not that our kids were ever that bad, it's just that we were always stressed out about keeping them from drowning and stuff that we could never relax on vacations like we do now.

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  19. 25 years ago I had to yank my son out of a pool. I still remember that.

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  20. Really? They played "fake drowning" after that? Gah! How exactly did they play that? I'm quite certain I would've died five times over just reliving that in flashbacks! I love how she puked and then said it was wet! Why do our kids not understand the heart attacks they give us? Why?

    PS- So glad for Alex's play date. And, I'm gonna bet you a quarter, you'll be invited back. You can mail it to me or just come out and visit with the kids and give it to me - but - oh wait... we have a pool, never mind... ;) jk.

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    1. YEah, they made up a fake drowning game!!! Those little turds!

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  21. At least when I had to yank my daughter out of a pool, it was the shallow end...thank heaven for small favors? Am so sorry that you get to carry that image around, but am very glad the play date wasn't ruined! Phew!

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  22. I felt like throwing up just reading that. I am so glad she is ok! In your position, I would be swearing off pools for sure.

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  23. Whoa.. I would have been a hysterical wreck, and you were able to stay for an hour! You are my hero. I am so glad that everything turned out okay!

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  24. My mantra as of late has been, "two weeks until school..." God, I can't wait. Sounds like you've had a Hell of a summer lady. We must get grown up drinks soon. Glad the little one is okay.

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    1. I know, I've been thinking of you tons!!! I've been a little out of commission with my back.

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  25. Oh good Jesus. My heart was in my mouth reading this. And then I laughed at Alex's comment and their new game! Why wouldn't you be asked back though? No meltdowns 'just' a near drowning!! Could happen to anyone. Happened to me when I was 3...

    xx Jazzy

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  26. Oh boy, must have been scary. That happened to Nick but I didn't see him fall in. Thankfully his big brother (age 5) saw him and quickly jumped in and pulled him up from the bottom and out of the water.

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  27. Oh my gosh how scary, I would never want to go back either but love your little guys response. Baby steps.

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  28. Oh, no - this is so awful. A parent's worst nightmare! I know you must have stayed scared for days. ((I'm so sorry.))

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  29. I have nightmares of Little Miss doing the same act in the pool - it's one of the main reasons I had never taken LM to the public pool in our city.

    I'm glad you were right there and everything was ok. Still, wow. Sending happy non-hair graying thoughts of rum and tiny umbrella drinks!

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  30. Wow, that is scary! I think I lost about ten years off my life just reading this account. So glad your little girl is okay. I don't know what it is about kids and water. They either absolutely love it or absolutely hate it with barely any middle ground.

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  31. There is NEVER a dull minute in your life, is there?! Whew...
    I sure am glad you share your experiences with us. :)

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  32. wow, that must have been so scary for you :( glad you manage to write it with humour!! Hope tomorrow goes better for you ;/

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  33. Holy cow I would have had a heart attack. I have to give you kudos for reacting that quickly and saving her. I would have made her sit right next to me for the rest of the visit.. Good grief.. As far as the balloon being a pet, somewhere there is a company that actually MAKES mylar balloon complete with legs for that very reason.. but for the life of me I cannot remember the name of the company.

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  34. Oh my god, Lizbeth!!! OH MY FREAKING GOD! Get on a plane and come here because I must hug you now. That's horrible. That is so horrible that horrible is a suck ass word at covering it. I'm so glad everything turned out alright.

    In other, erm, news, if Jack ever gets invited for a play date, I may freak!

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  35. Holy crap Lizbeth, how did I miss this!! OMG I am so so sorry!! I can't imagine how terrifying that must have been. But her reaction when she got pulled out cracks me up, she's so stinking cute! And yeah, well done for reacting quickly... That must have been so horrible, you poor thing!

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