Friday, July 6, 2012

This is what happens when you don't pay attention to your husband.

My husband had a great idea for the oldest two.  I wasn't listening when he mentioned it and I gave him a, "Sure babe.  Sounds great.  Whatever you think hon," and finished dinner.  Since I was being an exceptionally good wife, I promptly forgot about it.

And that's exactly why my kids are now in Sword Camp.  Let that be a lesson out there to you ladies....listen to your husbands.

SWORD CAMP.

Yeah, you read that right, Sword Camp.  My kids are in Sword Camp.  Remember how much fun we all had when they were at Nunchuck Camp over Spring Break?  It's like that but with big swords.

Look ma!  Free tee-shirts!

I've had to repeat that several times because I can't quite process it.  Swinging swords around, clobbering each other.  We're actually spending money on teaching our kids how to kill each other with swords.  Nice.

Because one sword is never enough.

It's like natural selection at its best.  I feel like I'm Darwinizing my own children.  And because it's a camp, and at camp kids get free things, they are now the proud owners of two swords.  Each.

They each have two swords. Oh-My-God-Un-fucking-Believable.

One's made out of bamboo all thatched together and the other one's made out of some random hardwood.  The kids tell me the bamboo sword hurts "way worse" than the other one.  I didn't ask how they found that out and I'm not going to either.  There are some things a mom just doesn't want to know.

I walked in early on a class one day and they were swinging around metal swords.  Real metal swords.  Oh-My-God-Un-fucking-Believable.  I almost passed out.

Like light sabers.  But not.

Alex sees me and is all, "HI MOM!  Look what I'm doing!"  All proud and happy.  He's waving his hand around and here's a key bit of information: he forgot he had a real metal sword in his hand, so he was waving that around also.  I let out an "Oh Shit" and dove on him like I was at the Who concert, trying to stop that sword from swinging.  I almost got gutted like fish in the process.

He was beaming.  Waving that big metal sword around, proud as anything.

I think I lost a little bit of my life in that moment.  And I almost pissed myself.

After that, I made a decision: I don't watch.

I have learned from their Nunchuck Camp and this time around, the swords stay in the car.  There will be no sword fights over summer break in the house.  There will be no beating the shit out of the windows, sofas, chairs, each other.  No, none of that.  I don't know how I'd explain to the Emergency Department that they got pissed and had a sword fight in the living room.  I'm sure it would garner, at minimum, a Social Services Consult and I have to tell you, I don't have the intestinal fortitude for that right now.

So I'm guessing it would surprise no one that while I was peeing, they kids had a sword fight in the garage.

No, it really didn't surprise me either.

60 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. So Peg, I KNOW you'll be available to babysit then, right? RIght???

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  2. Does it really matter if you give them the swords or if they make their own? We used to use Matchbox car racetrack, and that really hurt too. I tried to keep guns and swords out of the house if only to avoid an ER visit, but the kids just make them out of Legos, Tinker toys, the aforementioned track like we did, etc. I think even an ipad got used as a Star Wars blaster at the grocery store yesterday.

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    1. Sounds exactly like our house. Hot Wheels track, Trio blocks, whatever...all weapons.

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    2. OMG. YES. Matchbox racetracks hurt like a mo-fo. Ditto those little tinker toy sticks. Holy Hell. I forgot about that. Now, off to call my shrink...

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    3. OMG, those orange race tracks hurt! I remember beating the crap out of my brother down in the basement with those one time...

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  3. New rule: who ever signs the child up for a camp has to bring them and observe. The sane person who did not sign them up for camp gets to have an uninterrupted cocktail hour

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  4. Have you ever seen that meme, "the key to humor is surprise?" something like that. . . anyway, I barked out a laugh at the very first mention of "Sword Camp". Because obviously.

    WHO THE HELL DOES THAT?? I think I love your husband a little bit. I have to think a little bit about what the absolute LAST thing after sword camp I would let Lily do, and I'm stuck with either "walk over lava camp" or "jump out of an airplane camp".

    SO AWESOME!!! Every boy wants to learn how to sword fight. EVERY. ONE. *I* want to learn how to sword fight. And the fact that it is probably the last thing I would ever think to introduce my autistic kiddo to just means that I am a coward and your husband is like some sort of trail blazing Davey Crocket of Austism parenting.

    Skit:
    (A meeting of the Autism Parents Support Group)

    Me (chairman): We call this meeting to order. Hi everyone! Great to see you all here again this week. Wanted to talk about some of the summer activities we've been adapting and experimenting with in order to get a little structure to the kiddos and still have a great summer vacation. . . let's go around the circle. . .

    Parent1: We took lots of PVC pipe and fittings and connected it to water to make a fun plumbing/sprinkler activity for the kids. It appealed to their visual senses and kept them cool!

    Parent2: We took edible finger paint and spread it on wax paper. . . the kids really had a blast

    Parent3: We created cooked colored noodles and let the kids squish their hands in them. They loved it.

    Lizbeth: We. . . we taught the children how to sword fight.

    (silence)

    Parent1: Like. . . like with a pool noodle or cardboard tube? With colors and shapes. . ?

    Parent2: You mean, like verbally? Engaging the children in dialogue?

    Lizbeth: With. . . with metal or bamboo swords. Beating each other about the head, neck, chest areas. Sword camp.

    This is like a Bloggess post, but instead of metal chickens or live sloths, it's children with swords. God bless you. . . every one.

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    Replies
    1. Wait...how can I be Parent 1 and Lizbeth??? I don't understand that part. Jim, you must revise this.

      And you did not add a single, "OUCH, GAWD, FUCK" in your rendition at all. If you are going to do this, you HAVE to get into character and supply mine with F-bombs, I insist.

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    2. She's right. Otherwise, completely authentic.

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  5. That's way cool! Nobody will EVER bully your kids. Those swords always remind me of the Highlander ( I use to love that show!). I've wanted a sword ever since. Just because I think they look cool. Whenever someone makes me angry or upset, I fantasize about taking my sword and chopping their head off (like in the Highlander). It always makes me feel better immediately. Then I go tell the Murph that I want a sword. The Murph says I am NEVER allowed to have a sword. No way! I know this probably doesn't help you in any way feel more comfortable that your kids now have swords and are learning how to use them.

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    1. I remember Highlander. He was HOT. Like really HOT.
      And I think you must get a sword, I have a few heads I need chopped off....

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  6. This.is.awesome. I mean, of course, in an utterly horrific, glad-it's-you-not-me kind of way. But, yeah. AWESOME. *snorting with laughter!*

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    1. HAHAHA! So you can come and babysit, yes???

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  7. ZOMG. Swords! I love swords. I had no idea there were even sword camps. Anyway, husbands are tricksy fellows sometimes. This is definitely a reminder to listen to them! Great post. It made me laugh.

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    1. Thanks....and we already went to Nunchuck camp so I think all that's left is throwing stars or something...

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  8. When our kids get together...and they will...they must never speak of "sword camp". :)
    The moral of the story is moms can never pee.
    Stay safe, my friend.

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    Replies
    1. The first rule about sword camp: You must not speak about sword camp.....

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  9. I vote for "rape and pillage" camp next summer.

    It's the next logical step in their path to becoming an ultimate warrior. Obviously.

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    1. Now you're being ridiculous. The next step is OBVIOUSLY. . . Explosives Camp.

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    2. SNORT. The next camp should be Throwing Stars camp. I think it's the last in the trilogy of martial arts camps. Like a trifecta or something. Nunchucks, swords, stars. See???

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    3. Seriously. What is with the ninja shit in your house??

      While Rape and Pillage Camp sounds completely awesome, that seems more "pirate-y" than ninja. Since we're not Asian, and therefore not "ninja-y," I will sign my son up for this one next summer, but only if Flan or Jim teaches it.

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    4. I don't know!!!! Since hubs is Asian I think we get it in larger doses. And I think Alex and Lizzy should teach part of the class. By that time they will be no doubt skewering and filleting each other Ninjago style.

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    5. I can't believe I forgot to mention that my kid learned how to load and fire a bayonet at history camp. (Yes, history camp. So what!) But, here's the difference: IT WAS IMAGINARY. Now I want my money back!

      (And yes, I know what you're thinking: "One time, at history camp..." Knock it off!)

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  10. I just...yeah...I've got nothin' but prayers and vodka for you, Sister. Stay safe, four-limbed and agile. Fingers crossed (but safely out of sword reach).

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  11. As a martial artist, I must point out those swords aren't cheap. Your kids are very lucky to get them free (even if you are a bit insane sending them ;-)

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  12. If you ever meet my kids, this sword camp must never be mentioned. Having 3 boys, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING becomes a sword. It's part of their DNA. They'd want in faster than I can say "ER visit"!

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  13. Perhaps you need to send them to ER camp so they can learn how to sew their own stitches.

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  14. How long is camp?!

    May I suggest stocking up on the first aid kit at WalMart? And, yeah, bamboo hurts way more than a plastic racetrack but less than a whipped around hose. Just sayin'.

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  15. Ninjas. You are raising ninjas. I know that this is all part of your plot for world domination, where you will unleash your ninjas on unsuspecting liquor store owners in order to commandeer cases of alcohol.

    Where do I sign up?

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    1. Just make sure you're with me so we can tag team the liquor store and stock up. It would do no good to be hunkered down in some bunker, sober.

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  16. I'm scared enough of my kids without basic ninja training!

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  17. Your kids a lucky to have such a cool Dad. :)

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  18. How does sword camp for children even exist? That is amazing and terrifying. My friends and I were obsessed with the Redwall books (mice with swords, basically) as children, and we made swords out of cardboard and shiny contact paper.

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    1. I loved those books but now that you mention it, I'm afraid to show them....

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  19. This is why I told Angel NOT to bring back a real dagger from Africa for my son, and why he has NOT so far been enrolled in archery class! I blame the Hunger Games...

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    1. Haha! I blame the hunger games for a lot too!

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  20. My brother and I used giant tinker toys as swords when we were kids. Funny enough, when the Wii arrived, I impressed the cow out of my kids by beating them and the computer up one side and down the other at the swordfighting games on Wii Resort.

    It's the only game I have done well in. Or even good. Or not lost completely.

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    Replies
    1. I love that sword fighting game. It's the only thing I can kick my husbands butt at!

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  21. Oh God, I remember when my brother and sister got swords like that when they were in martial arts ( and I wasn't) those suckers hurt. I just beat them up with my long nerdy Renaissance sword which hurt worst.

    Seriously though, good luck.

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    1. Ohhhh, I think I need to get one of those Renaissance swords to defend myself!

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  22. Oh, wow, your kids are going to be SO prepared for the zombie apocalypse! Because anyone with any sense knows SWORDS are the preferred weapon for fighting zombies--no ammo to reload, no moving parts to get jammed, easy to transport. What great parenting!

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    1. HAHA! Is it coincidence AMC is running the Walking Dead all day today? I think not.

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  23. I agree with Handflapper.. I LOVE swords.. I even have a couple of samuri swords.. not "Live" blades, but could still do some damage..hehehee

    Not that I would let my son near them.. he would loose a limb or something.

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  24. Um...WHAT???? Perhaps you misunderstood. I think the target participants for this camp are mom and dad. I'd like to see that camp.

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  25. Um...WHAT???? Perhaps you misunderstood. I think the target participants for this camp are mom and dad. I'd like to see that camp.

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    1. That is EXACTLY what I'm afraid of!!!!

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  26. Saw this one on your FB page when you initially found out about it (by the way, anyone who doesn't like this blog on FB SERIOUSLY needs to.... like, now!) All I got to say to the hubs is W.T.F.??

    P.S. Sorry I've been so out of it this week with hanging with you guys and posting -- but my conference notes are FINALLY done. Now back to the regularly scheduled mayhem!

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    1. ON, I've been laid up too. Darn back and really? I can't believe the kids want to eat all the time. You'd swear this was a deli or something....

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  27. Darwinizing is the best word I've heard in months!!
    I thought you were going to say "girls, your husband will shag the nanny/buy a ferrari/ wear your knickers if you don't listen to him".
    Swords I was not expecting.
    XXX

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    Replies
    1. Neither was I....my fatal mistake in not paying attention.

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  28. Ah! Hahahahahaha! I laughed at this. A lot. It's like game of Thrones! AHhaha

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  29. Oh Good Lord! The things people can find for their kids to do in Johnson County will never cease to amaze me.

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  30. Oh shite, I read the heading out to my husband and then he starts asking me.... "well, why should you pay more attention to your husband?"...... he is thinking along the lines of getting lucky... OF COURSE!! He walked off with a shrug when I told him it was about swords! Hee hee!

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  31. On the flip side, imagine the cred we could have and the house if WE went to sword camp...it would give so much more oomph to my pointy stick threats. Ninja stars really don't seem that far off!

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