Friday, August 3, 2012

I think I grew a set of balls.

I know I've mentioned in the past that Alex takes Tae Kwon Do.  It's the only sport he'll do.  We don't do group sports such as soccer, football, basketball or baseball.  No T-ball for us.  Trust me, we're OK with that.

We searched long and hard for our current Instructor because we wanted someone who understood our child and understood Autism.  Someone who knew there would be difficulties with gross motor skills and motor planning.  Our current Master not only understood, he took Alex under his wing.  Alex loves it and he's been flourishing.  His instructor told me a while ago, "It's not what the body can do, its the mind.  The mind and spirit, these must be good.  The rest will follow."

And so we began our time at Tae Kwon Do.

Lizzy, hauling ass.

I was sitting in class the other night and I was watching my kids do all their shouts and kicks and whatever else they do, generally minding my own business.  Alex was working one-on-one with an instructor, working on forms.  All the kids generally spend some one-on-one time with an instructor throughout the class and Alex loves for me to watch him.

So unlike most of the other moms I don't drop and run and then scamper off across the parking lot to Starbucks.  Yeah, I'm so on to you ladies, I stay put for the whole fifty minutes and watch my kids.

And Alex loves it.  Loves to know I'm watching and he beams when he makes eye contact with me.  And that, right there, is why I stay glued to my seat the whole time.  He seeks me out and looks into my eyes and smiles.

He smiles.

So while the other moms are getting all hopped up on their lattes, I'm getting my smiles.

The kids getting their swords.  Awesome.  

Anyway, there was a new mom who's kid just joined so she sat next to me.  I guess she didn't get the memo that the cool moms bust it to Starbuck's right after drop-off.  After watching Alex for a little bit she leans over to me and says, "Is that your son?"

"Yeah, sure is."  I say as I'm giving him a thumbs up and getting a smile back.

"I just love all those faces he makes.  Look at him!  He really gets into it, doesn't he?  Look at how he moves.  And all those grimaces, frowns and wiggles.  He really likes to get into it doesn't he?  Wow, look at him!"

And then she started to giggle.  There was something about what she said and how she said it that didn't sit well with me.  She wasn't outright making fun of him but it was insidious and right below the surface.  It was there.

For a second I just sat there in shock.  I wasn't quite sure what she was saying.  She was giggling at him and how he moved.  I went from intense rage to grief in zero to sixty.  I got that hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach that you get when you go over a hill too fast or you're just about to take a major exam or something.  I blinked a few times trying to register what she was saying.

She didn't have a clue.

But she was laughing.

At my son.  

She was laughing at my son.

And then I started talking, almost a whisper.

"I normally don't go around and advertise this, but my son has Autism.  Those faces he's making?  Those are facial tics or stims that he does when he's stressed.  He can't control them.  And right now he wants to do well and impress the instructor so he makes more of them.  And how he moves?  With Autism he has difficulty with fine and gross motor skills.  Especially here in Tae Kwon Do, the gross motor skills are really hard for him.  These are skills which makes some of the movements and forms difficult for him, why he looks funny to you, I guess."

"I'd like to think you meant no harm to me or my son and you just didn't know.  I guess that's why I'm telling you this.  I hope you know what the face of Autism looks like.  If you'll excuse me."

And with that I got up, went to the bathroom, and cried.

When I came back out, she had gone.  I guess she went to Starbucks.


Note:  I am telling you this because, well honestly, I don't know why.  I came home and immediately started typing, banging out what happened.  And then it took me a few weeks to hit publish.  I think I'm telling you this because this was very difficult for me.  Normally I don't say anything.  Just let things slide.  This time I didn't.  This time I found enough of whatever to stand up and confront ignorance.   


Little by little we can change things.  Little by little.


And I am trying to get around to all your blogs....I'm trying.  This summer has been long, hot and hard for us.  

52 comments:

  1. First, dear God, woman. I am so incredibly proud of you. You are AMAZING. You did this perfectly, with grace, class and humanity. The other woman is clearly a douche of epic proportions. But, you? You are someone I am so proud to call a friend.

    We have a funtion to go to tonight. It's a ship function. There are going to be a lot of drunken sailors and a lot of drunken sailor's kids. I am very afraid that someone is going to say something about Ted. I've envisioned myself being pulled off of a douchebag and screaming for a charge of Conduct Unbecoming to be filed. Instead, I am going to reread your words and take them to heart.

    Thank you for sharing this. It is sooo timely. It is sooo important. You did good, Momma.

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    1. Thanks Kelly, I heart you too. Remember tonight, we will all be there with you. Hang in there and let me know how it goes tomorrow.

      xxoo

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  2. Well done for handling that so well... I know the feeling you're talking about and it's really hard to stay so composed. You not only kicked ass, but you laced it beautifully with Autism Awareness/Acceptance. So yeah, I'm with Kelly. You did real good. **Huge non-creepy hugs**

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    1. Thanks, and you know me too well to give non-creepy hugs. Sometimes huggers give me the shakes....

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  3. You handled that so much better than I would have. Kudos for you,. Has that mom been dropping off and running to Starbucks? I always sit and watch at gymnastics while the others either take off or play with their phones looking down the entire time.

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    1. SHE HAS!!! And you know what? Her kid is a little troll, imagine that. :)

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  4. Some people are just clueless and that's why we have to harness our dignity and grace and educate them. Just like you did. Way to go, Mama.

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  5. I am applauding you big time woman!!!!
    You did this in a great way and with dignity and class.
    Unlike this woman.
    She left because she was mortified and ashamed of herself.
    She was then going to see herself through your eyes and she couldn't take it.
    If she had had any class at all she would have apologized at the very least! Ass hat!

    ((cyber hugs))

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    1. I never thought of it that way, but you're right...I just don't get how a person can make fun of someone else's kid, let alone their own......

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  6. You handled that with dignity and grace. You did your job amazingly well. You advocated for your son, and you educated that ignorant woman about Autism. *fist bump*

    If I were there, I'd have walked over to Starbucks, bought you a latte and would have let you know that I think you're pretty damn cool.

    So sorry that she made fun of Alex. Our kids have enough dealing with children who may point and giggle...they certainly do not need adults, who act like children, doing the same.

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  7. wtg for saying that with dignity and grace. I may not have been so nice! Hugs to u!!! <3

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  8. Well done and said! I am a grandmother to an autistic boy, now 14 and have had the experience of seeing other's reactions to his behavior. He is well behaved in most situations but if something stresses him out he reverts to a 4 year old. He is severely afraid of cats and dogs even though he has a cat. His table manners have greatly improved over the last 2 years so that is promising for social skills developing. Communication is the biggest problem due to a limited vocabulary. He loves all music and gets around the internet amazing well so he finds it everywhere. He doesn't do sports so physical exercise is not in his schedule. I believe in time and with the help of the school systems, these special children will learn to function in society and be wholesome individuals. Now he is talking about college. He is on the Dean's List in school and has carries honors in all years.

    Making the public aware that these children are not something to be stared at or commented on is crucial for their development. You are doing a great public service with your page and I love the postings from you.

    Hang in there, don't take offensive too quickly from ignorant people and explain to them what they are seeing....a child of God in the making. Other children have worse problems and no one cares enough to support them and teach them better. Many parents run away from them when they get the chance which sounds like the coffee parents you are dealing.

    It seems that I have to be anonymous because I don't have any of the accounts listed. If you want to email me, please use grannyanne0120@gmail.com.

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    1. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. You have said that so beautifully and your grandson sounds remarkable and blessed to have you.

      Your words have given me pause, as well as a big smile, and I needed that today, so thank you.

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  9. I'm proud of you too, Lizbeth. You handled the woman with all the grace of an ambassador.

    I guess, in a way, that's what we all are -- ambassadors for autism. We have the ability to speak where our kids do not and to help them cut a path through typical society. I only hope that when it comes time for me to act as an ambassador, I do as well as you have here.

    P.S. When I get the opportunity to stay and watch my Little Miss perform, I ALWAYS stay. Watching her is way better than any latte!

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  10. Like you, for so long, I have kept my comments to myself but now that Jarred, who has autism, is seven, Im having to speak up. Im not gonna lie, alot of it is anger but Im trying to educate. Some people where I live don't want to listen or they chose to just thing the worse. But Im trying. I love your site. Thanks for all you post.

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    1. The thing is, when people say things, the first response I have is usually anger/fear/anguish, you name it. It's sooooo hard to train yourself to be calm and figure out if that person is even willing to hear what you are saying. And trust me, there are days I fall flat on my face. I'm right there with you. xxoo

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  11. way to go, Lizbeth! I don't know what I would have done in that situation. Unfortunately, I might have just frozen and not said anything. I am so glad you stood up for your son. Congrats! :)

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  12. You know what? When you walked into that bathroom to cry, every single one of us was standing there passing you tissue. Because we know.

    Oh my sweet, Lizbeth, we are right there with you. And from where I sit, you gutted that woman like a fish wiith the precision and grace of a skilled surgeon. I'm quite sure she got an education she won't forget. An if you see her again, remember - we're all with you. <3

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    1. She sees me and every time her eyes go right to the floor. I stare at her just long enough so she knows, I know, she's there. And thanks.

      xxoo

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  13. Wow. I am in awe of you. I honestly do not know if I would have your courage or restraint.

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  14. I am with Karen V., applauding as I hand you that tissue. That was so well said and handled. You are doing so many good things and leading by example - that's so hard to do.

    I've had similar situations to handle. I give it to them straight up as I can. People tell me to take it easy or get over things. I hope some day they learn to love someone as much or as fiercely as we love our kids.

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  15. The fact that you were right there the whole time says everything about the kind of mom you are. There is a reason those other mom's, especially miss laughy pants, aren't blessed with kids like Cam, Alex, Little Miss, and Tootles (and all of those other sweeties we love). They are missing out.

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  16. I was right there with you beaming and smiling at Alex. Those moments of seeing them so proud of themselves and wanting to share with you are the best!

    I was also right there with you at that moment of shock. My heart sank that little bit and I was again right with you in the bathroom. You, however, handled it perfectly and something I could not have done 10 years ago and can sometimes still struggle with.

    So sorry you had to go through that but well done!!!

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    1. I still struggle with it, don't get me wrong. I couldn't figure out why this woman wanted me to laugh with her, about my own child. I couldn't make sense of that. I still can't.

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  17. Good for you Liz. You did the right thing because I might have exploded and said something rude. You are definitely a super mom. And I'm also glad to hear that your kids love Tae Kwon Do. My son doesn't do team sports well either, but he hates being told what to do even more. Anyway I'm glad you were brave enough to say something.

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  18. You are amazing! How wonderful of you to have the strength to educate that woman in a calm manner, as that probably made her listen all the better. She did a disservice to you by interrupting your moment of joy, but in return you were able to do a true service to yourself, Alex and even her as she left smarter than she walked in. I hope she does something useful with what she learned.

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  19. you and your balls are AMAZING
    glad you said something!!
    What did that woman expect - that you would sit together and laugh at your kid together ?

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    1. That's what I couldn't figure either---we'd sit and make fun of my child---it made no sense, and still doesn't.

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  20. You did awesome! Can't say it better then Flannery did so will repeat and ditto x 10000!

    "Some people are just clueless and that's why we have to harness our dignity and grace and educate them. Just like you did. Way to go, Mama"

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  21. Good for you!!!! There is nothing like a mother bear coming out. And she deserved it. I would have loved being there watching him work so hard.

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  22. Smiles and eye contact are so much better than lattes.

    You handled that so well. It is not easy to speak up like that, and you were very brave.

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    1. Hey Mama---I've tried to comment at your place and I suck at those code things....I got kicked out after three tries--anyway, I wanted to tell you I'm so happy she's doing well and happy that last MD visit went fast!!!

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  23. You put yourself out there to a stranger, standing up for someone who counts on you to have his back. Of course you had to go cry in the bathroom afterward--it was either that or punch something. Bravo to you!

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  24. Oh no, I can't believe it! Why would she do that? I am so so sorry. Well done for speaking out and for doing so with decorum. xx

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  25. This was a strange and sad encounter...and you handled it with grace and dignity.

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  26. i would have done a similar thing. I teach kids to swim and 'teach' 1 child who has aspergers, 2 have autism and another 2 are on the spectrum . It is interestind and sad at times to watch the faces of other parents who have no idea. I find these kids yes a challenge to work with but i am so happy to have them in my classes. They bring so much joy to the pool when they are enjoying what we are doing and yes i definitely know when they are not happy, but i go with the flow some days as there is some things they don't like - yet- so i don't push the issue but use other kids as demonstrators. There are days when my aspergers child totally surprises me by what he does and tries to do.

    Some people can be so thoughtless and speak before they know anything. At the pool we always talk to the parents to find out where the kids are at...every day is different and i love that

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  27. I think it took a lot of courage to say that to her. You should be proud of yourself and proud of your son. I have to say you handled it with a lot more class than I would have. I'm a teacher and even I get super mad if someone is passive aggressively mocking one of my students, I don't even know how I would react if it was my child. I'm also a spicy Italian and probably would have slugged her. Keep fighting the good fight.

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  28. Oh honey... I just want to give you a big old hug.
    My son is not a team sports person either..crowds freak him out. Which is why my Husband and him both do Karate twice a week. Because of his Aspergers, he takes a little longer to get a move, or positioning of feet or hands, but he will get it in the end. And I am so very proud of him. He is going for another grading in a couple of weeks and I will be there, supporting him.

    Proud of you to. And it's ok to cry, but you handled that situation admirably.

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  29. Beautifully written. Incredibly sorry this happened, but reading it will so helps others (and by others, I don't just mean the people who need educating, but rather others like me, parents with ASD kids who run smack into similar situations and often feel terribly alone). Thanks again.

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  30. I am incredibly proud of you (((hugs)))

    Maybe the other woman thought yours was just being silly. When she saw you NOT laughing, that should have been her cue. I think you handled it wonderfully. Especially the walking away part. Let her reflect on what she's just been schooled on.

    I wish I could tell you it gets better with society. :/

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  31. Well done. I hope next time something like this happens you can pull on this experience and use similar words. Eventually Alex's siblings will also need these words but you will be able to teach them. Just remember, every time you do this you are educating someone who desperately needs help to understand the world. It's a shame it was a full grown woman but kudos to you for pulling that one out of the bag.

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  32. That was classy, Lizbeth, and I wish the right words would come to me in those situations xx

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  33. Yes Lizbeth that WAS classy. You did right in saying what you said.
    Taekwondo is wonderful for kids like ours. My boy has done it for 4 years and it has really made a difference. Sadly he's giving it up now, I hope Alex continues to enjoy. AND impress ;-) He's definitely impressing me as are you.

    xx Jazzy

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  34. Hi. I think it's AWESOME that you said something. I don't know if I would've been able to hold it together till I made it to the bathroom. In standing up to her though you have helped to make the world a little better (more understanding) for all our children. Thanks.

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  35. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. Because I've been in your position so many times and I rarely speak up. Maybe it's your bravery that makes me realize I could speak up, too. And the thought of one of those people who laugh finally getting put in their place- but with kindness. I love it.

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  36. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt but you did an awesome thing for all of us, Lizbeth. You rock!

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  37. Hey darlin',
    Came here from facebook. Autism rocks shares a lot of your stuff.

    My son (Boy 1) is now fast heading to 15. He is just the most awesome teenager you could ever ask for! And yes, he has Asperger Syndrome.

    I actually have not blogged about him for a while because, well, things are going like a dream.

    All these things you are doing, advocating, educating, loving and supporting, ALL these things make so much difference.

    Instead of crying you need to learn to pity these people, for they will never have the joy of a son like yours and mine. They will never appreciate just how beautiful life can be on the ASD ride.
    Yes, it is hard, I will never deny that, but oh, the rewards far surpass that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

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  38. Just a comment, my gross motor skills are zero and I don't play well with others, however the sport that I found worked great for me was swimming. Alex would probably love that in swimming if you do the forms correctly it makes you go faster. Plus while there are team events, they consist of relays were each member has a part that can be completely be yourself yet still benefit the team. It could be a great way for Alex to be part of a team without having do more than cheer for other team mates. Where I live there are just teams that meet in the summer everyday and have a competition on Saturday. The cities sponser the teams. I t maybe something to look at for Alex and Lizzy.

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Comments make me all squishy but remember to be nice. If you're not nice then what you said goes *poof.* There's your warning.