Wednesday, September 28, 2011

How to scare the pee right out of you in about thirty easy steps.

Ya want to get the crap scared out of you?  You do?  Ok.  Here's what you do:

Agree to dog sit your sister's dog while they go to Cosumel and save leatherback turtles or whatever the heck you do when you're single and don't have any kids. I don't know.  I'm too frigging tired from dealing with school, birthday cleanup, cranky kids because, you know, it wasn't THEIR birthday.  Add some stress because he who shall remain nameless went out of town for a few days only to have the insurance adjustor and roofing guy show up and tell you your roof is indeed fucked and they don't want to pay for it.  Either of them.  All of which would have been a little easier to swallow if they didn't keep asking if your husband was around.

Look.  This is called foreshadowing.  

But anyway, back to scaring the crap out of yourself.

Get the kids ready for school, stuff them in the car, shove them out the door and hope to God school doesn't call and you make it to 3:30.  Come back home with the baby and throw some clothes in the washer and throw all the clean ones from the dryer on the floor because you're going to have one hell of a backup if you don't keep the laundry train going.  Realize you have to pee.  Bad.  Really bad.  Like I'm gonna pee all down the side of my leg if I don't get a moving now, kind of bad.

Run down to the complete other end of the house to the toilet.  Sweet Mother of Pearl does that feels good.

Hear a blood-curdling scream from the baby and a bark from the dog.

Pee all over yourself, toilet, down your leg and whatever else you come in contact with as you try desperatley to pull up your britches and find out what happened.  Mentally shake fist at universe for not doing more Kiegels.

Realize the irony of the situation, that you did, indeed, pee all down your leg.

You see the baby.

Blood.  On her face.  By her eye.  Blood and tears mingling.  Screaming.  Oh God the screaming.  Still bleeding.  The dog trying to lick her face.  Not understanding.  Not computing.  You or the dog.

Her eye.  It's swollen and sealed shut.

Still bleeding.

The dog wining in the background.

Realize blood is on your clean clothes and issue an internal memo to fuck laundry when you get home.

Snap out of it and stuff baby in car.

Call the Pediatrician and somehow find it weird you know their number by heart and that you had your phone but have no idea how you got it.

Forget shoes, purse, diaper bag.

But remember to kennel the dog.

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Realize that fifteen years of training as a pediatric RN had gone out the window with your own kid and you don't know what to do.

Spend the remainder of the morning at Children's Mercy South.

Laugh manically when the security guard raises an eyebrow when you don't have ID or shoes.

Get placed in a room and wait.

Wait.  Wait.  Wait.

Watch helplessly but stay strong as they bundle Gracie and hold her down as they look into her eye to check for abrasions or punctures.

Watch helplessly but stay strong as they irrigate wounds.

Watch helplessly but stay strong as she screams in terror.

Look at Registration Dude like, "WTF?!?" when he asks for the co-pay in the midst of it all.

Gracie given a clean bill of health.

Go home.

Baby and dog miss each other and snuggle themselves to sleep.

Pour drink and finally cry.

Note: We later figured out what happened, after the swelling went down.  Gracie has a habit of poking the dog in the eyes.  I know, she's not my best child.  Normally he shakes his head and she giggles and he licks her face.  This time he was lying down sleeping and she was right in front of him.  She poked him in the eye and he used his paw to rub it.  Since she was so close to him she got scratched by his claws as he was rubbing his eye.  As I was coming down the hallway from peeing he was trying to get me to help her.  He had no idea what happened.  At the time we couldn't tell if he bit or scratched her due to the swelling.  After the swelling went down you can see scratches, not bites, on her face.  

We are still watching the dog but he's now staying at my sister's house.  I'm not that stupid.  I don't trust Gracie not to poke him again.  


  1. Wow that was a harrowing story.
    I am glad your daughter is okay and I am glad that dog is too. He probably doesn't understand why he has been punished because he didn't do anything. And Gracie doesn't understand why she got scratched because she was just playing. But we all understand why you peed yourself. :-)

  2. Oh no!! Poor Gracie and mom. I would've totally freaked out and peed myself as well! 15 years as a pediatric RN? Wow, impressive even though you forgot it all... Seeing blood and tears on that little tiny face makes that completely understandable. SO glad she's okay and it was scratches - not a bite. It's funny how strong we have to be sometimes. And the iPad is a great friend in situations like these. Stupid laundry and stupid Kiegels! Hope Gracie heals quickly! (Such cute little pink shoes)

  3. Oh my god, how are you even functioning??? Seriously, I have no clue how you are managing all the things you have to manage, plus the sick kids, plus the house shit, plus nameless guy out of town, plus stalker mom, plus injured baby!!!

    I need a drink just from reading that! I'm so glad baby girl is okay, and the dog will live, but DAMN, you need to stop that crazy train for a while.

    I still assert that all of us bloggy people need to take over a town somewhere and have a commune of people that have each other's backs and stuff, 'cause I totally would have brought you shoes, and even an ID.

    Someday, SOMEDAY Mama, we will be drinking margaritas on the beach and laughing about the perils of parenthood and how we barely survived. Our kids will be grown, and away somewhere living their lives, and we will be old and wrinkled and maybe toothless, but we will have survived and lived to get drunk again on a beach.

  4. The next time asshat roofer guys show up at your house and ask for "he who shall remain nameless" introduce them to your sister's dog and tell them to poke him in the eye because he really likes it. Then just sit back and see what happens.

    I'm glad Gracie is ok, and you are clean and dry. Wait, I'm kind of assuming a lot there, aren't I?

  5. Oh Good Lord! You poor thing....and they made you wait and there was blood!! Grrrrr

  6. Thanks for the full explanation, as I was wondering who you got the details from! I am impressed that the ride to the hospital resulted in no further injuries. I think you get eleventy-seven gold stars for knowing what was important, and leaving what was not(cuz were shoes and pieces of paper going to do any good? no!)

  7. Exact same situation happened here!! The next door neighbor's dog has allowed all of my children and theirs to do crazy bad things to him. One day I hear a scream, see my 18 month old with blood all over her face...she tried to take the dog's apple and he pushed her with his paw. His "outdoor-dog-very-rough" paw. :( Poor dog was super upset...the baby looked horrible, but it was definitely all scratch and NO bite.

  8. "Forget shoes, purse and diaper bag but remember to kennel the dog." Lord, you're hilarious!

    I AM sorry though, about Gracie, the dog and your roof. :(

  9. Jesus Christ. Sounds like you've been having as much fun as I have lately! WHERE'S THAT COCKTAIL CART???

  10. **raises a glass to Flannery, Lizbeth, and all the other visitors!**

    And yeah, holy crap!! That sounds awful!! I love the title though, and very effective steps. I'm glad everyone's okay though. (Margaret made me laugh, yes we do understand why you peed yourself)

  11. Oh wow, how scary! I'm glad everything turned out okay.

    You deserve a big piece of chocolate after all of that.

  12. What an awful day; glad Gracie is OK though.

  13. What an awful day for you! I would have cried too or even have been in the corner rocking and gibbering! Oh no, I forget, that's me on a good day LOL

    Hope the drink helped :)

  14. So, so glad Gracie is OK and it wasn;t a bite. Yours was one post IO was reading and didn;t want to but couldnt stop kind of things, especially now we have got a dog!

  15. Oh, holy hell, Lizbeth. I hope you are drinking right now. Drinking and doing Kiegles at the same time, because that is the kind of rough and tumble, ass kicking wench you are!

    I hate, hate, hate blood. I mean, you know, I like it INSIDE skin, but when it spills out like that: ikes! I am so glad it wasn't anything worse, and I hope Gracie feels better soon.

    And that you have cleaned up all your urine tracks.

  16. OMG, I am sending you one of you one of my special hugs, so glad that Gracie is ok. Hope you mum isn't still stalking you... Maybe you could train you sisters dog to bark each time you mum logs on! xxx

  17. Yikes. I'm so impressed with you.

    And aren't the administrators at hospitals total morons? I mean, asking for a copay when you are in the midst of the worst trauma of your life? Dumbbells.

  18. Good grief. When it rains it pours. Ok, now I'm just thinking about pee running down your leg. Gotta love how childbirth kills though muscles. I really hope you had a strong drink after that whole ordeal. I want one just reading about it.

  19. Peeing down your leg in the line of mom duty is a badge of honor. I salute you! You are a credit to mothers everywhere.

    P.S. Glad everybody is okay!

  20. OMG I nearly peed down my own leg in fright just by reading this. So glad she's ok.

  21. Aagh, what a day. And I HATE hospitals who are bothering about ID and SSN and whatever the hell else when the kid is screaming/bleeding/in pain. Glad she is okay!

  22. i will never EVER admit to how many times i've peed my pants. I'm sure there's been a good 20 years shaved off from kids getting hurts. So glat baby-girl is ok!!!! Hope YOU'VE recovered!! :)

  23. Sweet Jesus. I hope that drink tasted scrumdilly when you got home and that you just enjoyed it while sitting on the toilet. Really, why waste fresh clothes from the floor? I know I don't have that kind of energy. Happy that everything turned out okay.

  24. You poor darling
    How scary
    Thankfully everything seems okay now?

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