My Open Letter to the App Store.

Dear App Store:

I used to like you, dare I say, love you even.  You gave me time that I once didn't have.  I loved that sense of stealing a little alone time while my kids played on their I-touches, all happy and full of contentment, mindlessly blasting away a few brain cells.  I didn't care.  I had a few minutes to myself and I was willing to sacrifice some of their grey matter to get it.

I was a desperate woman.  And I had to pee.  And I had the opportunity to pee in private.  A love like that comes but once in a lifetime.

Thank you Bridges of Madison County.  

But like in some relationships, I went from infatuation to loathing in no time flat.  Which amazes me really, since we never even had sex.  I digress.

My children are no longer happy with your free Apps and want to purchase new and improved Apps.  Ones that don't have adds popping up while they are playing or trying to direct them to a new site.

But the real reason I may have to break up with you is simple.  My son has found games that require two players.  Things like Chess, Words With Friends and Hanging With Friends.

And here's the thing, I don't even know how to play Chess.  I don't want to learn how to play Chess.  I especially don't want to learn how to play chess while I'm peeing.  And I'm over forty, I don't want to tax my brain like that.  It's too late for me.

It's kind of like downhill skiing.  I don't know how to ski and I'm quite happy to live my life without going down a steep snowy hill, with two wooden waxed-up sticks propelling me downward to certain death or at minimum a broken femur and a brain injury.

I'm OK with not learning how to ski, just as I'm OK to go my whole life without learning how to play Chess.

But then you came along.  And my son loves you.  He adores you and worships the space in the universe in which you reside.  And because of the love he has for you, I have become wrapped into his web and I'm being unceremoniously exploited to work your wiles.

Like crack, my son is hooked.  I took my free time too far and now we're in trouble.

See, it has to end.  I sent this word
to Alex to solve the other day.

I'm now being pinged with game reminders twenty-four/seven.  Alex is waiting for you to solve the game.  Alex is requesting a rematch on Hanging.  It's your move!  Alex is waiting for a solution.  You have seven Hanging updates.  

In one day alone, one game gave me over thirteen reminders that I need to get cracking.  Thirteen reminders!  From one game!!  Games that need to be completed, moves to be made, rematches to be started.  Ugghhh.

It's too much stress.

I can't keep up.

I'm exhausted.

And we never even had sex.

Its so unfair.


Note:  I'm over at Cheesy Bloggers today talking about our Christmas traditions!