Monday, June 18, 2012

Whoever said getting there is half the fun clearly didn't travel with us.

We're back from vacation.  Insert your favorite cuss words here....

When we left to go to Sanibel, I was on pain medication for pulling my back out.  I was trying to trimming the hedges, trying to miss a birds nest with eggs in it, with the trimmers over my head and I swerved.  My back said, "Fuck you," for making that nasty little move and bango, I was out of commission.

As an added bonus, I was such a bitch with my back out, my husband decreed that I am no longer allowed to pick up the trimmers.  Normally being told I'm not allowed to do something is code for "bring it, we're sooo gonna fight about this," but this time I didn't jump right away and thought things through.  Not allowed to trim those bushes?  AMEN.  In a way, it totally worked in my favor.

Screw you, you stupid little robins.  

So before I tell you about how much fun we had and I bore you with all my pretty shells and tell you how Alex got fixated on Monopoly and didn't want to see the ocean or play in the sand because, "We already did that and it looks the same," I'll first tell you about how we got to the airport.

My first mistake was in deciding to come off all my happy pills for the trip as I wanted to be lucid for the plane rides.  Big, big mistake.

So we pile everyone in the car and not twenty miles into the forty mile trip to the airport, the little pop-up light goes on that the tire pressure is low.  My husband starts getting on me about not taking care of the car which is entirely true but not the point here.  So when I started to smell burning rubber, I felt somewhat, no, I felt totally vindicated.

"Hey hon, I think we have a flat tire."  I say to which he responds, "We need to pull over."  To which I say, "No!   We can't pull over.  We have to get to the airport, I need this vacation."  To which he looks at me like I've already done lost my mind, but again that's not the point here.

So we pull over.  Second mistake.  See, we have a minivan with those Dunlop no-flat tires.  The ones that say, if you read the fine print, which we totally didn't, you should NOT pull over and stop because the stuff that keeps the tire inflated will harden and then the tire won't rotate anymore.  So our roadside conversation went a little like this:

"Oh Christ, it IS flat.  Wait, go get the owners manual and lets see what it says.....Oh fuck, it says we should have kept driving.  Gawd.  Fuck.  I TOLD YOU SO.  Quick, get back in the car and lets see what happens.  Gawd, hurry the fuck up and get back in!  That shit in the tire is supposed to harden if it sits too long!"

And it sat too long.

So every time the front passenger tire rotated it hit that spot where it sat too long and went BUMP.  Every rotation.  BUMP.

I hissed at my husband, "How are we going to get to the airport?  This is sooooo not good.  Jesus H, I am so over this vacation and it hasn't even started."

Then Gracie started up, "Owie!  Car has owie!"  With every rotation, "OWIE!"

Then Alex started up, "Are we going to die?  Can someone give me my i-Touch?  I want to die holding my i-Touch."

Then Lizzy started up, "What do you mean we're all going to die???  That's so not fair!  I'm not done watching Barbie, that's not fair!"

So our way to the airport was a blast.  Taking all the back roads, going 25 MPH, with hazards blinking and kids screaming, "OWIE!  We're all gonna die!  I want my i-Touch!  It's not fair I don't get to finish Barbie!"  BUMP, BUMP, BUMP.

Screw you Dunlop.  

We made it as far as the Airport Marriott.  We left the carcass of our car in their fifteen minute parking.  I think they took pity on us and wanted our mess out of their lobby so bad they let us hitch a ride on their airport shuttle.

After having cleared security and having to prove that soy milk really is soy milk and we were not hiding plastics to build a pipe bomb, the douche-canoe next to us on the plane wouldn't give up his seat.  Even after I begged him, I begged him, to let us all sit together.  I took that as a signal to lax-up my parenting skills for the next hour and forty five minutes and let Gracie climb all over him like a jungle gym to look out the window.

"This place rocks, mom.  They have a map!"

And then on our next flight, when another guy wouldn't give up his seat so we could sit together I almost started crying.  When Gracie puked all over the window/aisle/my leg/seat/whole back section of the plane and he started yelling at me to, "Do something, you're her mother!"  like I'd missed that memo, I just hit that little call light above me and asked for another puke bag.  And then I told him to shut the fuck up and mind his own business.

When Alex joined in puking, I know, I just know, I lost a little piece of my soul right then, on that plane.  

And that is how we started our first twenty four hours of vacation....

Now I'm back home and ready to cry and I have to buy a game of Monopoly before Alex goes ape.

And remember how I was on those pain meds before I left?

When we came back, I came back to a house that was utterly and completely destroyed because I was happy and medicated and I didn't care.

And do you know what I did?  I took those same pain meds that made me feel so damn good in the first place and went right to bed.  I'll take care of the house tomorrow.



Note: My back still hurts for whatever reason and I'm still cleaning the house....but we're home.  Please give me a week or so to get caught up.  In the mean time if you want to see some pretty shells (and me in a swimsuit) follow this link to Pam's page, i Love Shelling.  

41 comments:

  1. Ok, that was a lot to process, but I want those tires (now that I know to keep driving) and what adult is so committed to their freakin plane seat assignment that they can't help a woman out...or at least how did you manage to run into two of them in one trip? Getting there is half the fun? Oh my gosh, I hope you had a better time than that!

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    1. I though for sure on the second flight we'd be OK but he was a bigger douche than the first!!! He almost got kicked off the plane because he was yelling at me so loud. But the reason why he almost got kicked off??? He was STANDING UP over me, yelling. On the descent. What an ass.

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  2. Awww, I am so sorry that your back still hurts. Could you maybe, just this once, hire someone to clean the house for you? Or are you like me, you have to clean the house before someone comes to clean the house? Because I totally do that.

    I am glad that you're back!

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    1. I totally have to clean the house before someone comes to clean!!! We tried that once and after one week I ended it!!!

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  3. Oh my God.
    It's so cliche to say this but you need a vacation from your vacation. I'm not sure that could have been worse if you tried.
    And what is it with people being asses about giving up their seat ?
    Take those pills and get some rest.

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  4. I so just want to high five you, toast you and hire you a strapping masseuse cum nanny. Where's RyGos? Surely he is exactly what you need! I hope you are up and at it again soon. Or that you enjoy the hell out of the rest of those pain meds. :)

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    1. I'm enjoying the pain meds while I wait for an MRI. Apparently our insurance company wants to be sure I'm in pain.....

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  5. Wow. That sounded like an intense trip. Sometimes after a vacation, I need a vacation to help me wind down from my vacation. I'm glad that you all didn't die too.

    I would have instructed my child to puke on the jerk that wouldn't give up his seat. Or maybe I would have talked his ear off the whole flight. Then he would have begged me to take his seat. Some people are so inconsiderate.

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    1. The funny part, or not so funny part?? Other passengers around us were trying to help us and were shaming him. That, right there, restored my faith in humanity.

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  6. I def know Why ur back hurts... From picking up all those awesome shells!! Oh, and you ROCK that bikini girl. Today I'm going on a diet so I can stand next to u and show off our shells TOGETHER. Hope u get a good break to recover. Miss you buddy!

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    1. No, it is not from the Sanibel Stoop. Nope, not a chance in hell!!! And you rock it as well. Don't ever tell yourself different.

      xxoo

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  7. Wow. Just wow. You are a rock star. And those douches on the airplane? I just wanted to stab them really hard. What morons.

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  8. Do you think they make those special Dunlop tires for a 2001 Saturn? Just wondering.

    Your vacation sounds more like an Ironman triathlon which is probably not the ideal way to relax. What is it with jackholes on planes that get all territorial about their seat? You shoulda directed the puke his way.

    Glad you're back!!

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    1. Missed you too and thanks for the talk-down at the airport. Only the Clampets could have done it better. I think.

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  9. OMG, you just confirmed one of my worst fears about plane travel with at least 1 kid on the spectrum. I have had nightmares about our son running away after getting tired of security check lines, setting off the metal detectors while laughing and screeching "Heeeeeelllllp!!!!" as he dodged security. To say nothing of vestibular issues and repetitive questions that just get more frequent and panicked as his anxiety grows.

    That's why we've road tripped around the western US. Hawaii's going to be a tough nut to crack that way, though. We might just have to dose him, like Mr T.

    So glad you made the vacation and found some time to enjoy being there. And those guys on the plane -- really? Can't have it both ways. Keep your seat, but then keep your mouth shut - you insisted on remaining at ground zero, with all its perks.

    I like the idea that you get a little extra help in the house for the first week. Hope your back feels better too!

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  10. Only you, Lizbeth, I swear.

    If this had all happened to someone I didn't particularly care for, I would be LMAO right now. As it is, I'm having a serious stress reaction over here. I'd ask you to pass some of those happy pills this way, but I know you're not sharing and I don't blame you one bit.

    Missed you. Glad you're back.

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    1. I know, right??? And my husband was all, "why are you taking pictures of the tire?" And I was all, "So people know I'm not making this shit up." Gawd, I wish it wasn't so but there it is......

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  11. Seriously you stopped taking your happy pills BEFORE the trip?
    Have I taught you nothing Lizbeth? :-)

    I give you great props for traveling with kids period.
    People are shitty when there are kids on a plane.
    Yet they get drunk and stupid.
    When I flew every other day I would watch how those without children would give the moms and dads this mean look. I wanted to slap them and I don't have kids.
    Like they don't know the problems going on they don't need you giving them looks.
    Last business trip I took I ended up giving my seat so mom could sit with their boy who was acting up. I then ended up coloring with their little girl.
    I enjoyed it and her mom acted like I was mother teresa.
    I kept saying - no big deal I love to color. And she had a pretty doll that we talked about. It was all good.
    It was so much better than the movie or working on my laptop. People need to chill out and give moms and dads a break.
    Then again maybe I think that way because I don't have children.

    I hope there was some fun in there and great shelling. :-)

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    1. Oh Peg, I would have loved to sit next to you. I would have controlled my kids and everything. :) The thing was it was just those two guys....there were other passengers who were helpful....one even said loud enough for everyone to hear---Well, I would have given up my seat! Humph!" I wanted to kiss her. :)

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  12. "We already did that and it looks the same,"

    Unless I really like that same look and then we'll do it over and over and over....

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  13. Oh my goodness! You need to go to your happy place...do not pass go, do not collect $200! I hate traveling with the kids...it's always something.

    By the way, I don't understand the people who will not move so a family can sit together. I mean, really?? Do they think a golden ticket is glued to the underside of their seat?! Gaah!

    Hope re-entry goes smoothly this week!

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    1. Golden ticket...hahaha!!!! It was so bad for one family, Southwest was offering free drinks to get people to move so a family of 2 could sit together.....

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  14. My! That *was* an adventure!

    You cracked me up with the kid's chorus in the car, especially "car has an owie", that's so gosh darn cute! I bet if you'd still been medicated, you'd have thought so too!

    And Alex saying "we already did that and it looks the same"... Ha!! That was so me as a kid! My parents would always try to get us to sight see, but books were always so much more interesting (and when the gameboy first came out.... Whoo!! Game over, parents!)

    Anyway, you're my hero for saving the robins, that picture is beautiful!! I'm sorry you're in pain, I hope you get better soon!!

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  15. Are you CRAZY woman?! No pain pills for the vacation?! The pain pills ARE the vacation...

    The puke was ju-ju on those asses. And this I love -- " I just hit that little call light above me and asked for another puke bag. And then I told him to shut the fuck up and mind his own business. " AWESOME!! I hope he was humiliated.

    Good that you are back. And seriously, I need to quit eating. I look like a rhino next to that photo of you and your shells. Btw, the shelling looked like a lot of fun! And look, you really can't go wrong with Monopoly. When I play, the family calls me "Boxcar Karen" cuz I am always the first one bankrupt...

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    1. He was shamed, not by me, but by other passengers. They were saying to his face to calm down and "can't you see she's doing what she can?" I think one lady wanted to gut check him. She was soooo pissed. I wanted to kiss her. Repeatedly.

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  16. Have I said this before? You need a reality show.

    This is selfish, but I'm glad you are back to the blog =)

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  17. All that in the first 20 hours?

    Whoa...You do need another vacation - a solo one.

    I can't believe those guys wouldn't give up their seats? A-holes.

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  18. I really, really hope that those asswipes got some puke on them, too!

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  19. welcome home! sounds like. . . like. . . welcome home!!!

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    2. I know! I was never so happy to walk through our garage door...even though I have a mountain of laundry and a metric shit ton of shells to clean, I'm glad to be back. :)

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  20. Those a-holes deserved what they got when they didn't trade seats. They should have known that it would be a rougher trip with everyone split up. I can't believe you told the guy to shut the fuck up and mind his own business. You are so awesome:)

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    1. Well, it wasn't one of my finer moments! It was after almost two plus hours of this guy watching everything I was doing like I was his on-board entertainment, all the while with a smirk on his face. I took everything I had to just keep it at that. :)

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  21. I feel like I need a vacation after all of my vacations!

    Check out this site, http://yourtravelvideos.com/ Your Travel Videos is a collection of links to videos and other internet resources on places to stay, restaurants and things to do. The cool thing about the site though is that you can make money off videos you have made, or also from videos that are already out there on the web. It's a great opportunity for mothers, you can do this from the comfort of your own home. It is 100% free so there is no risk to check it out and join.

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  22. What crappy tires! I have protex in mine which is supposed to stop them going flat, but if you get a particularly large nail stuck in them they will get a slow puncture. And I think I want your meds...

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  23. Well, once again you have a way of making me laugh at your pain. ;) Try to take care of yourself. I realize it's hard, but try.

    Oh, and thanks for teaching me a new name...douche-canoe. I love it!

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  24. Just catching up on you blog...gosh you make me laugh

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Comments make me all squishy but remember to be nice. If you're not nice then what you said goes *poof.* There's your warning.