Friday, July 20, 2012

Even an Autism Strong Mom needs a little help.

I've managed to get a few minutes to myself which I find ironic since my kids normally won't leave me alone to go to the bathroom.  I figured something out and that is, if I stay near them for a few hours they get sick of me and retreat to their rooms for a few minutes.  So I took them to the pool, wore their asses out and now they're off destroying their rooms.

I'll take it.

Most of you know my mom lives here with us.  As in, she lives in the same house with us, under the same roof.  Sometimes people ask, "How can you live with your mom?"  I know what they are implying and I oftentimes get an eye-roll or a snide remark.

I let it all slide.

I don't have the heart to tell them, we can't live without her.  She helps out with the kids and she helps me in ways only another Autism mom could understand.  She gets it.  She knows the other two suffer when I'm pulled to therapies, meetings and when I'm up with worry, trying to sort things out with school.  She knows what its like when Alex is having a bad day and she's there to help.

She gets it.

And I've been struggling lately.  I have a sister who lives in Australia and last week my mom went to visit her.  She'll be gone till almost the end of August.  For me, an eternity.  And I encouraged my mom to go.  I think she should go and I don't want her to feel like she has to stay here and help me, at her expense.  I never want that and I want her to spend time with my brothers and sisters and her other grandchildren.

So if you're wondering where I've been lately and why I've not been around, its because I'm without reinforcements.

How to scare the crap out of yourself?
Put all three in the pool at one time. 

Add to it, its been super hot again here and the kids are reacting.  Alex hasn't been happy with the heat and having to share me completely with the girls?  None of them are liking it.

Oh-My-Fucking-God.

Alex has been stimming and constantly negotiating a better hand at Monopoly.  It never stops.  Every moment of every day, Monopoly.  While I joke about things most of the time, I'd be a liar if I said it didn't wear on me sometimes.

This is one of those times.

And this brings me to a bigger issue, one I know we all think of, and right now its keeping me up at night.  I often joke that I cannot die.  I have to live forever, or at minimum, I have to live long enough to give him all the skills he needs to survive in the world.

I can't die till my job is done, until he can fly.

So I'm trying to get to you as best I can but please know my absence isn't for a lack of trying, its simply from not being able to do everything for everybody.  Sometimes I have to take care of myself, and my family, and right now that's what I'm trying to do.

You see, my son has yet to fly.

45 comments:

  1. I'm there with you...hang in there...and hope the next few weeks go by quickly. ((Hug))

    Oh, and I'll stop whining about our heat...we don't have 100's forecast every day for a week...holy hotness. That would drive the SPD here into hyper-dysregulated state.

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    1. Thanks....we're staying inside today...may not be the best thing I ever did but at least they're not sweltering.

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  2. Oh Lizbeth - you need to take care of you as well. I wish I lived near and I would come over and help you out. As bad as I freaking hate it - I would play monopoly with Alex!! He might not be flying yet but you are giving him wings and making them strong!!

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  3. I love that your mom gets it. My mom does, too, and that is a blessing above and beyond. Good luck staying cool and staying sane while you are sans reinforcements. ((Hugs))

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  4. Sending you virtual reinforcements. I'm so over summer too.

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  5. That is the weather I'm supposed to be having!! Don't feel bad because you are taking care of those thee cuties - ever!! They always come first. We all miss you snarking it up but we get it and adore you and know you will be back as soon as you can!

    You know we used to have a computer version (not app - computer game) of monopoly where you would play the computer- have you tried that? xoxo

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    1. I'm jealous you're getting rain. He won't play on the computer or any app since he liked beating me in real life. That little turd!!!

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  6. We have had to get use to my husband going back to work...big adjustment since we are like a tag team :) Furthermore, I have had to sit back for the last 2 weeks and watch my G stare out the back door at his pool and cry while it rains. There are only so many things to keep us entertained (and sane). Hang in there and we all completely understand.....family first!!!!!

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  7. We have had to get use to my husband going back to work...big adjustment since we are like a tag team :) Furthermore, I have had to sit back for the last 2 weeks and watch my G stare out the back door at his pool and cry while it rains. There are only so many things to keep us entertained (and sane). Hang in there and we all completely understand.....family first!!!!!

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  8. We have had to get use to my husband going back to work...big adjustment since we are like a tag team :) Furthermore, I have had to sit back for the last 2 weeks and watch my G stare out the back door at his pool and cry while it rains. There are only so many things to keep us entertained (and sane). Hang in there and we all completely understand.....family first!!!!!

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    1. Sometimes Blogger can be just hormonal, huh??? My husband is at work all the time. It a choice we made, don't get me wrong but it's hard. And thanks. I hope you get some sunshine!!!

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  9. I know how important it is to have help in raising a child. My wife's sister lives with us and helps out a bunch. I don't know what we'd do without her help. And good use of reverse psychology in getting your kids to be more independent. Jacob enjoys time alone, which is good for us.

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    1. I would give money to have these kids spend time alone...good money!!!

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  10. There are times I would love to have my mom live with me or beside me for those times I need immediate help before I snap.

    I wish I had a way to make this better for you. =(

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    1. Sometimes words do wonders as yours have done. Thanks.

      xxoo

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  11. Chills, friend. Despite the weather report.

    I am making a confession for a friend. I would never reveal the source, because so few people would understand. She told me the other day in confidence, knowing that she WILL die one day, that she has this very, very dark thought: She kind of wants her child to die first. Not because she really wants him to die (and she's not homicidal, I promise), but because she is so scared at the thought of him living without her. Same idea.

    I can't bear to think of it. So we do our best every day to give them wings - relying on the Community Chest and playing Chance. Most days it doesn't feel like enough...especially when your own rock isn't there with you. But what more can we do? We have faith - in whatever spiritual path guides you - in our family, in our world, in our children.

    It does suck. Thank you for expressing this as candidly and graphically as always. And, on behalf of Lizbeth, MOM, COME HOME!!!

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    1. Same idea but Oh God, how bad is it for her?!? And can we help? And thanks. You know, for the most part I can weather most anything but there are days when this is rough. Not to write about that would not be honest and give others a false sense of, well, I don't know. It just wouldn't be right.

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  12. Why are you apologizing to your blog audience for not being around? If we are reading it's because we are Aspie parents and we TOTALLY get it!
    My Mom also lives with us. Unfortunately, she doesn't get it as much as your mom seems to. In fact, sometimes she is a trigger. Lovely! She does help with laundry, cooking and the kitchen, so I have to take the good with the bad. She also is away right now, so I'm enjoying the break, but missing my help! Hugs to you mama!
    Love, Karen

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    1. Thanks Karen. Having someone else get it??? Priceless.

      xxoo--Liz

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  13. Wow, till the end of August?!? That *is* an eternity! I'm so sorry... It's really cool that your mom gets it, and it's wonderful that she's visiting the rest of the family, but what with the heat and all, I can understand why you'll be lying low for a while... Hugs my friend. Here's hoping some of our chilly weather makes it over to you to give you guys a break! (And honestly, while my little brothers were here visiting, almost every day I asked myself how you did it!! I can handle two, any more and insanity ensues!)

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    1. Yeah, right now they're just about ready to crack it. Lets just say sometimes there is nothing wrong with a little Tom and Jerry and Scooby Do.

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  14. The next time you get an eye roll say thanks for the offer to babysit FOR THE WEEKEND :)

    In the meantime, while summer vacation cannot last for ever (thank the good Lord) I hope you get a minute to yourself.

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    1. Kerri---that's great, I'll have to try that sometime!!!

      And thanks, it means a lot.

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  15. Honey, we all get it. So glad you have your mom to help out. I lost my mom before I had kids....actually, 5 weeks to the day after she passed, I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant. Go figure....she got to heaven and picked out an autistic son for me....she got me back good....LOL And yes, all of mine (4) in a pool without re-enforcements....makes one stressed out mom.

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    1. Renee--I love your sense of humor. And four kids?? That would put me right over the edge...not saying that yours do that to you but right I can't imagine a fourth one of mine...

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  16. It's going to be a long summer.

    My mom lives with us too, but isn't a lot of help. But I can imagine how much harder it is for you, with no backup at all. I wouldn't want to trade places with you, but I sure would help if I could.

    I just can't even let myself think of that far-off future anymore, because for a while, I worried myself sick (literally) about it, to the point of tension headaches, extreme anxiety, and rashes brought on by stress.

    Hope for the best, it's all I've got. And blog. Not because I think my tiny little voice is doing anything, but because when I add it to the hundreds and hundreds of other autism parent blogs, it gets louder and, hopefully, makes a sizable ripple in the pond. And I can hope that helps to increase awareness, services, help, and understanding for our kids. So they won't be alone when they're grown.

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    1. Holy Cow Flannery, that was beautiful. And yeah, one day at a time....any further than that and I start breaking out in hives.

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  17. We specifically chose the house we live in because it's 2 blocks from where my mom works and spends all her time...makes it convenient if I need to run to the drugstore or grocery and the kids are at the point that I can't take them. Sometimes, just having someone else around...someone that knows you and your limits, just takes pressure off. Even if you're still doing the "mom" thing, it helps having another pair of hands. My brother lives in finland and when he, his wife and daughter visit, my mom is MIA for 3 weeks...and 1 of those weeks we are all on vacation together! Just hang in there and know that she will be back and all will be "right" with the world again!

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    1. Thanks...you know there is something to be said for just knowing there is someone around to help. Maybe someone needs to move closer to me...any takers?!? :)

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  18. Another here-here from the camp of "mom gets it." While my mom doesn't have as much of a hand in our day-to-day, just knowing she's there to back me up -- that I can call her if I need to talk... that's golden.

    So, I'm gonna send you strength... and I'll "cheers you" tonight when I finally get that glass of wine I'm working for (it's all about the positive reinforcement, right?). Hang in there lady!

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    1. Positive reinforcements = good.
      Positive reinforcements with wine?? Even better!!!

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  19. Having someone to back you up, to keep you sane? Priceless. When my mother-in-law lived here, it was all about her crazy, and I'm still angry about that shit. You are lucky, and you know it, and that is gold. That said, you are a strong woman, and you will get through this. Maybe it will take a couple of margaritas, or a keg of something, but you will get through it.

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    1. Oh, that's not cool. Not cool at all. And a keg??? Hahaha!!!

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  20. I could wish my folks lived a little closer. I don't get a lot of physical support, but I have my best friend and her daughter as housemates and she is willing to help, when she is home. My hubby is sometimes good with helping out. I don't know what I would do without them. Keep moving, keep as positive as can be managed, and the kids will be okay. They have to be. Just keep doing our best and they will be fine. Hopefully, so will we.

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    1. Thanks. I've been trying to keep them busy just to keep them from fighting....and having a best friend who gets it? That's awesome.

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  21. I wish I had a mom that gets it. I thought mine did, then I noticed she was always complaining about my 7 yr old son with autism. She started always bring treats and gifts for my girls, 9 and 11, but nothing for my son. She would offer to take the girls places but never my son. I go beyond to make sure the girls get their time and I also have to stay behind with my son so that the rest of the family can enjoy a dinner out, a movie, church, shopping, etc. Your awesome for all you do and to have help, thats a blessing. Stay strong and know that I know how you feel and it can be overwhelming alot of the time. Your awesome!

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  22. It's time for a blind side. FedEx the kids to Australia. Your sister and Mom will never see it coming.

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  23. Too bad there wasn't a Monopoly app or something that would keep Alex satisfied. I found playing Monopoly with my NT son soooooo painful when he was around Alex's age. I so feel for you.

    And your heat to boot! AUGH!!! Hope you have A/C.

    Hang in there my friend, Diane

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  24. No worries Lizbeth, and no need to explain. Damn. No need to explain at all. I'm here if you ever need to vent.

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  25. Xoxox...that's all I've got to offer online!

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  26. You are lucky that your mother is there for you in this way...that is priceless. Hang in there this hot summer.

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  27. Ugh, I have been feeling the same way this last week!

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  28. Hang in there mama. You are not alone. ::hugs::

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  29. I think that it is great that your mum lives with you. Hell, why not! Sorry to hear that she isn't around for while. Take it slow and steady... you will be FINE! x

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