Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Big puffy clouds

My daughter and I have very few opportunities to spend time together, just the two of us.  So when the opportunity arose, we went to the park as quickly as we could. 

We went for a walk, looked at all the birds and watched the fish swim circles in the lake.  It was too early yet to catch butterflies and the few we saw, we chased after and giggled.  Reminded them we would be back when more of their friends came out. 

We sprawled out on the grass, looking up at the clouds. 

Searching. 

Looking for animals and flowers and all kinds of wonders to take shape and appear.




"Mom, it's nice to look up and see big puffy clouds.  Do you think Wyatt's up there?  You know, in heaven?"

The weight of his death was brought plummeting down on my shoulders and knocked the wind right out of me.  

Breathless. 

Silent. 

She was peering at me, out of the corner of her eye.  Questioning.  Trying to put things to rights.  She was finally asking questions.  My little girl, trying to wrestle with something she should never have to.  Something very few adults can find peace with.

She still thought of him.  Two years later and it still resonates with her.  I don't know why it wouldn't.  I think of him every day.  For some reason I thought she packaged it up nice and neatly and moved on.

"Mom?  Mom??"

"Yeah, baby" I whispered. 

I spied her, peering at me.  Searching, looking for a sign.  I continued,  "I know he's up there playing in the clouds.  See?  See that??  That looks like a lamb.  I bet he made that just for you."

"You really think so??"

"Sweetheart, I know so."

22 comments:

  1. I don't know who Wyatt is but, you just made me tear up.

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  2. @Raquel's World--sorry bout that--I put a link to his name so you can see.

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  3. Awww, Lizbeth, I'm crying too. I can't begin to imagine what you've been through in the last two years, but I'm glad that your sweet little girl is opening up about it. It must have been a very emotional moment for you.

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  4. Yeah, I got all chocked up and teary... I think you're a star for how you handled that conversation, so beautiful. I'm glad you were able to have a nice time with your daughter and I hope things get easier... **hugs**

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  5. Awww, poor sweet babies (all of you). It sounds like you needed that day together though. Sometimes there's just not enough time to heal some wounds.

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  6. Love never goes away. Sometimes, under fluffy white clouds in the grass, reminders of what is still in your hearts can make for beautiful moments, even with the pain. While Wyatt may be up there in the clouds, he will always be inside you as well. It must've been such a bittersweet moment. Thank you for sharing Wyatt with those of us who did not know.
    xoxo

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  7. What an amazing conversation -- It's always stunning to find out what's going on inside a small child.

    My heart goes out to you for your loss. I'm glad that you and your little one could share it together today.

    ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

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  8. Wow. That's a hard one. Can't imagine how hard it was to write this, let alone live through. Sorry.

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  9. Moments like this priceless.

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  10. Oh I need to sit and cry for a while. I am going through the same thing with my daughter. She is now asking questions and waiting for good answers, not just the little ones that used to work. Sending you hugs and strength.

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  11. I think that you handled that moment better than anyone else could have. I would have just burst into tears and I wouldn't have been able to say a word. My daughter died in 2003, and I still haven't stopped spontaneously bursting into tears.

    No matter where all of your children are, and no matter that Wyatt is not with you right now, they know that you love them with all your heart, because you are their mother.

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  12. You need to put a tissue warning before posts like this!
    Beautifully handled and I'm so sorry that you had to have such pain brought up again. xx

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  13. @Christy--thanks for your warm thoughts.

    @MarsupialMama--thank you.

    @Flannery--I know....

    @Karen--so sweet--thanks.

    @Rachel--thank you.

    @Brain--thanks.

    @DeeAnn-they are. She was so cute in the misdt of it all...

    @Jessica--I know, the tadpole story just doesn't cut it now....

    @NJANB!--thank you and I am sorry about your daughter. Now I know I'll not be the only one bursting into tears at Khol's or some other place...

    @Grace--thanks

    @WhisperingWriter--sorry!

    @bbsmum--thank you.

    @wonderfullywired--thanks Fi, she's a trooper, stronger than me, I think.

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  14. ((hugs)), girl. Great big ((Hugs)).

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  15. A beautiful day and a sad, yet also beautiful, moment which you handled so..well.. beautifully! It is good that your daughter can chat to you like this even though it must have been so difficult for you.

    (((xx))) Jazzy

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  16. Oh my goodness, I can't even imagine. What a brave and beautiful post. ((hugs)). Lots and lots of hugs, they're all I've got. ((hugs)).

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  17. Thanks everyone for the comments, hugs and special thoughts...there were so many warm regards and hugs that were deleted when Blogger went down---I'm more than a little bummed about that. I have those in my heart as well---thank you--L.

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  18. Wow..that was lovely..so very lovely...and hard..and raw..beautiful. I too have only hugs for you. ((()))

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Comments make me all squishy but remember to be nice. If you're not nice then what you said goes *poof.* There's your warning.