Friday, July 15, 2011

Summer Vacation Day One

To think I actually was complaining like a school girl and moaning and groaning a few weeks ago that, "I want all my babies home with me" and "I can't wait till school's out so I can have them all to myself."  Now having them out of school for a few weeks and underfoot I have to ask myself this one simple question:  What the fuck is wrong with me?

I think I'm clinically insane.  I must be.  That's the only thing I can think of.  When they were in school I couldn't wait for them to get home and now that they're out of school I'm thinking of ways to plot my demise just so I can get a few seconds of silence.  Gawd, is this normal?  Or am I a nutter?

Here's what happened the first day out of school:

3:58 AM
I wake up.  What the??  What's going on here--ugggh, God, for real??  Had to be right now, huh???  Thank you mother nature.  Off to the bathroom.  Four of these, a tampon and a pad later and I try to go back to sleep.

The drug of choice.

5:50 AM
Husband's alarm goes off.  I am up.  He is not.

6:42 AM
I am landed on by Alex.  Ummph.  "I want to watch TV.  It's summer vacation and I don't need to get up and put clothes on, brush my teeth, eat breakfast, get my Zyrtec, get my backpack and lunch together and put shoes on and then go to school."  He continues, "I can get up and watch TV now I don't have to go to school."

I realize my husband at some point did get up and is out the door.  I am alone.

6:56 AM
Everyone is up and downstairs watching the start of an all day event called: Those Evil Bastards Phineas and Ferb Stole My TV and Won't Give It Back.

9:03 AM
I try to hide in the office only to be found by Gracie with a load in her pants and a roll of toilet paper wound all around the house, detailing her walking tour of the main level while taking a crap.

9:52 AM
I unwittingly come out of the office only to find the older two making what appears to be a miniature atom bomb on the kitchen counter all the while watching the afore mentioned little bastards who stole my TV who no doubt gave my spawn the idea to make a miniature A-bomb in the first place.

Atom bomb mess.

9:58 AM
I go upstairs and straighten the kids rooms.

10:18 AM
I try to sneak in a few (read twelve) Girl Scout cookies while I give Gracie a snack of Nilla wafers.  She spies my snack and pitches a fit.  Grabs both sides of her high chair, starts shaking it and screeching.  I had a fleeting thought that she reminded me of a monkey at the zoo trying to bust out of it's cage.  I have a little giggle.  She sees me getting a private laugh and her screaming, shaking and rattling take a drastic uptick.  Shit.  I cave and give her a cookie.  Too late.  She's gone over the edge and now wants NOTHING.

I try to calm her to no avail.  She Is One Pissed Off Maggot.

She pukes.

I winge.

And I'm hot, I'm sweaty and I still have cramps.  Fucking period.

I march her up to her bedroom and put her in her bed.  Slam the door and proceed to vacuum the house to block out her Screaming Fit of Rage all the while muttering a steady flow of obscenities under my breath, getting madder and madder at myself for my poor display of parenthood.

Now I'm hotter, sweatier and even pissier that I lost it over a Girl Scout Cookie.  A bloody Girl Scout cookie.  And it wasn't even a Thin Mint, it was a Samoa.  A God dammed Samoa...

11:22 AM
Done vacuuming and winging.  I've calmed down.  Gracie's out like a light and the kids are still making their atom bomb.

Start and finish cleaning puke after having forgotten about it and stepped in it.

Realize the ice maker is jammed with ice and is not working.  Walk away and make a mental note to tell hubs when he gets home.  Stick a dish towel in dispenser for safe keeping.

I hear a funny noise and disregard it.

11:34 AM
Make lunch knowing its going to be the same thing for the next several months:
  • Easy Mac for Alex---cheese on the side in a separate bowl.   
  • Velveta Shells for Lizzy---Velveta NOT Easy Mac.
  • Leftovers and scraps for myself. 
  • And Girl Scout cookies for Gracie.    

11:39 AM
I suck down four more Ibuprofen hoping my liver and kidneys hold out for another 6 days or my period ends, which ever comes sooner.

Come to the realization the oldest two are missing and so is their atom bomb.


I go investigate.  Found the funny noise--bath tub filling.

Turns out it wasn't an atom bomb after all, it was a floating-water-machine-experiment-thing-with-guns-and-bombs that is now being "tested" in a green pool of bath water. Thanks Crayola Bath Time Colors.  I owe you one.   

Also found this mess which was explained to me as "the lambs were drawing and getting ready for a race and makeup party."


I go back downstairs and think of ways to kill myself and time it juuuust right so the kids won't be left unattended for too long.

Realize I may botch it and would be left cleaning up that mess as well.

Scrap plan.

Also realize I forgot about lunch when the kids went missing A WHOLE FIVE minutes ago and now they most likely won't eat it as "it's been sitting too long."

11:41 AM
Call kids down to eat and indeed the food has been sitting too long and they're refusing to eat.

Hunger strike begins.

Kids go back upstairs to play in green water and race lambs.

I eat crappy sat-too-long shells and cheese.  It indeed tastes like shit.  Their huger strike is warranted but not excusable.  I will never fess up to this particular fact.

I had to stop here.  Really, need I continue??

Suffice it to say I'm over summer vacation and it's not even started.

Note: the rest of the day played out just as I thought it would--they got pissed at each other because they were hungry and hypoglycemic (imagine that) and came downstairs crying.  I made another lunch for them and they were happy till something spilled.  I went to get Gracie from her nap and I found her with her diaper off, having peed the bed, now pulling apart the diaper.  In the same bed I changed earlier.  I got a call from the Allergist saying Alex had an appointment tomorrow that I didn't know about and on and on and husband came home and to his shock and horror, I took a nice long drag off a bottle of wine before he even had his keys out of his hands, skipping a glass completely.  He had a blank stare to which I responded while wiping my lips with the back of my hand, "What?  What are you lookin at???"    


  1. you are the best, seriously! It is So entertaining to read about someone living my life.

  2. Holy crap, Lizbeth: this sounds SO much like my life when my daughter was 1 (and son was 4) that it's FREAKING SCARY. I have this memory of me sitting on the floor, shaking some rattling toy over the head of one of the kids, feeling exhausted, and working my way through a row of golden Oreos.

    Ah the exhaustion, tedium and loneliness of the stay at home mom life.

  3. Brings back ahppy memories :)

  4. OMG, this took me back a few years when my kids were 1, 4 and 7. I don't know how I survived it but I did because I'm here.

  5. Wow! What a day. Sounds similar to mine, with the business of it all and surprise doctors visits. Hope the rest of the summer is more smooth.

  6. I will have this for the next two days and the whole of August, but luckily my two specialees are in summer camp during the week...the sad thing is that our summers were wonderful up until aspergers took over my boy and Smiley got to big to drag onto the beach. Hang on in there xx

  7. Are you effing kidding?! I never did have a day that horrible...or maybe I did, but blocked it out of my mind since my kids have grown. Kids do that you know...make you lose your mind. :)

  8. now, that's what your Aussie sister has taught you. Well done. It all looks better through a bottle of Sauv Blanc! xxxxx

  9. Parenthood is insane...add special needs into the mix and obviously you end up with total chaos...and atom bombs.
    I kinda like the madness, but in my house I could live without the toilet roll eating and the poo flinging. Wine always helps, of course XXX

  10. My deepest sympathies. If I could plot your demise and not go to jail, I absolutely would. I have a 15, 13, 11, and 8 year old, and I'd think at their ages they could leave me the fuck alone, but that is not the case. Even as I'm outside trying to read, they congregate around me, and I swear they look for topics of conversation that will cause me to want to bang my head against the deck or dunk it in the pool, like, "Why does Lindsay Lohan not want to seek treatment?"....really? really?

  11. I'm cracking up over here. Sorry. I just am. I shall tweet this, because it is genius.

    Also? Your poop story has effectively scared Hubby away from having children EVER, so thanks??

  12. You make me so grateful right now that I onle have onle kid. Sending happy thoughts your way... And/or bottles of wine!

  13. Oh God... I feel what you're going through..truly, I do..but, as usual you made me laugh! A lot! And out loud too!

    You should try that 'joke'thing that was going know, where the husband comes home form work and finds everything a mess. Pretty much lkie your house that day... WITHOUT the messes cleaned up! He eventually finds the wife in bed reading a magazine (or swigging out of a bottle of wine!) and asks what on earth has been going on? She sweetly replies... Nothing! You always wonder what I do all day... now you know!!

    I've often been to swig out of a bottle of wine.... sigh!

    Hope the summer holidays get easier for you :-)

    xx Jazzy

  14. Aunt Flo has got to go. At my last gyno visit, I asked my doctor if there was anything I could do to speed up menopause. She laughed at me. Laughed, I tell you! I didn't see anything funny about it at all.

    And I'm impressed that you still had Girl Scout cookies left. Mine were gone months ago.

  15. OK, I'm exhausted just reading this. I do remember these days. And no, you're not a nutter. Just a perfectly normal, crazed mom.

  16. You made that day feel so funny
    Your family and you sounds adorable

  17. @Noonie--if only we could have had that glass together!

    @karensomethingorother--see, if they were Golden Oreo's she would have been on her own. I love those!

    @Casdok-- :)

    @Deb--Good, now I know there is hope!


    @Looking for Blue Sky--thanks, things have settled down. A bit.

    @DeeAnn--My mind has been gone for some time now...sigh.


    @Jean--I know! I can do without anything poop related.

    @Sandra--I wish it were that easy...I knew they weren't going to leave me alone. Damnit.

  18. @Marianna Annadanna--I do what I can. Your welcome. I think.


    @Jazzy--I saw that on FB and got a giggle till I realized that if I tried that here I'd just have to clean up all the crap the next day.

    @Grace--what the eff is up with that?!? If I could loose Flow and all the crazy that comes with it I'd be waaaay happier!!!

    @Accidental Expert--thanks!

    @K-floortime lite mama--thanks and you too!

  19. I'm not sure if I should be jealous that your kids disappear for 5 minutes "independently", or sympathetic to the obstacle course of messes that you have to keep cleaning up.

    I guess I can say, unabashedly, that I really wish my kid would just go away for 10 minutes. Go dig a ditch in the yard, go construct something, go do anything that doesn't involve following me around, saying "mommy, mommy, mommy."

    But I have to say, of ALL the CRAPPY kids shows, I LOVE Phineas and Ferb. Yet it hasn't spawned any bright ideas in my kid. *sigh*

    Maybe you can talk hubby into getting a housekeeper??? In the meantime, I'll pour one out to ya.

  20. My kids don't puke that much, thankfully, but I do step in cat puke on a near-daily basis and it's so awful. I am sorry that was part of your day.
    Also - are you kidding? Samoas rule and have it all over Thin Mints!
    K is right - your family does sound adorable. And glasses are a complete waste of time.
    I hope you are feeling more comfortable by now! xxoo

  21. @ Flannery-don't be jealous. Maybe you can have the dingo teach Connor how to dig a hole, you know, minus eating a rat bit. :)

    @AllieF--See, I know I like you for a reason--Samoa's!!!!! Much better--we have a routine and by God, we stick to it!!!


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