Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The truth fairy

I am going to go down in the Annals of the Worst Mom's Ever.  I know this fact and yet I can bet you a million dollars I'll still act all surprised when they call my name to accept the award.  And I WILL accept that award.  I've earned it.

I had to do something I've never done before.  Leave my daughter with our swim instructor for the last few minutes of her lesson so I could take Alex to an appointment.

My mom had Gracie at home who was down for a nap so all that needed to be done was for Lizzy to wrap up swimming and come back home with her instructor.  Which wasn't really hard since our instructor has known the kids for years and had her car parked in our front drive.  They literally had to walk 500 feet from the pool to our back yard.

So she was with people I trust.  What could possibly go wrong?

Turns out a lot.

Apparently Lizzy's seen one too many of Alex's meltdowns and decided that as soon as I left the pool deck she was going to try one on for size.  She decided she was going to boycott the last of the lesson and splash her instructor a few times for good measure.  The splashes were not the "we're having girl fun splish-splashing" but rather the "fuck this, I'm done with swimming and I hate you kind of splash."

My mom tells me this as I come home with Alex, right as I hit the door, before I can even get the keys in the dish.

This is the second thing this week Lizzy's decided to up and boycott so clearly she thinks this method is working for her.

So when I see Lizzy eating a snack and ask how her lesson went I was shocked as hell to hear her say, "It was OK.  Can I have more juice?"

"Sure, you can have more juice.  The lesson was just OK?"

"Yeah, my legs were a little tired but it was OK."  She's acting like there was nothing wrong.  At all.  Had my mom not accosted me at the back door I would have been none the wiser.  But she did.  And I knew Lizzy was BS-ing me.  Big time.

"Oh, that's good to hear it went well.  I'm sure when the Truth Fairy swings by tonight she'll skip right by us because, you know, when you tell the truth she just keeps on going."

Out of the corner of my eye I could see her flinch.  Just a little bit but it was there.

Here's the part where I'll fill you in on the Truth Fairy:  One time I caught Lizzy in a boldface lie.  So as not to be outdone by my five year old, I made up a lie of my own.  One that was bigger and better.  Meet the Truth Fairy.  She comes round during the night and for little boys and girls who are not truthful.  As she waves her magic wand those little miscreants who were not truthful reap the demise of her magic wand and their noses grow and grow and grow.  So in our house, if you don't tell the truth and fall asleep, you wind up with a nose like Pinocchio.

Hey, I never said I was proud of this moment.  Nor do I remember taking a test prior to becoming a parent.  Trust me, if I did there would be a world with three less children in it.  It would fall under the category of Parent Fail.

Anyway, she has the stones to look me square in the face and say, "Nope, the lesson was fine."  And continues on like life's great.  Not a care in the world.

I let it rest.  Truth be told, I was a little miffed she had the stones to call my bluff and raise me another lie.  No need to question DNA here folks.

She spent the rest of the day having fun.

Fast forward to later in the evening when my sister asks, "Hey Lizzy, how'd your swim lesson go?"

I hear this squeamish, "OK..... Mom??  Mom, I splashed my instructor."

"Oh you did?  That sounds like fun!  I bet you and Tracy were having a blast, just the two of you.  It's always nice to have some private time."

"No, mom.  No.  I was mad and splashed her."  Her bottom lip started to quiver.  She was clearly worried.

It was getting awfully close to bed time.

"Ohhh, you splashed her?  And you were angry?  That's not good.  What do you think you should do?"

"Say I'm sorry.  Mom, is the Truth Fairy going to make my nose longer?"

"No honey, let's go home and get the phone and call Tracy."

And that's what we did.

I have no idea how long the Truth Fairy is going to be swinging by our house but you can bet my lilly white ass I'm going to be taking it as far as I can get it.

Note:  I was not able to post on Monday.  There are two things that I have agreed with my husband that I won't write about publicly: our marriage and his family.  Turns out both downright sucked this weekend and needed my attention.  Thanks for the understanding.


  1. I hope you don't think you've got this trophy all wrapped up. I've been nominated and am shopping for my perfect outfit. At Walmart. Something that really shows off my bra straps.

    Also, love the Truth Fairy! Fantastic idea.

  2. That is not bad parenting. That's a Mom Win, as far as I'm concerned.

    Here's bad (grand)parenting: Remember that commercial back in the '70s with the Juicy Fruit tree? We show up at my grandmother's house for Christmas one year, and she's got this plant sitting on top of her TV with sticks of Juicy Fruit scotch taped to it, and she tells my sister and me that Santa Claus brought her a Juicy Fruit tree for Christmas. And we were young and dumb enough to believe her.

    No life lessons learned in THAT lie. And my Juicy Fruit dreams were completely dashed when I came to my senses and realized the truth. Six months ago.

  3. Bwahaha...too, too funny. And, you've taken yourself out of the running with this blog. Your daughter obviously knows there are consequences to misbehaving, feels bad about doing "bad" stuff to other people, and does ow how to tell the truth...eventually! Sheesh. Turns out, you are a KICK ASS mom! :)

  4. Truth Fairy....... brilliant.

    PS- I just put the +1 button on my site too and some other social buttons so I just clicked them all for your post. I'm so behind the times just get going on this!

  5. I love the Truth Fairy story! It's awesome. Good work Mom!

  6. Can I steal the Truth Fairy for my house? It's brilliant!

  7. ha ha very funny. I have a daughter just like this, who is now 17! I never was imaginative enough to come up with the Tooth Fairy though. Superb :)

  8. What a wonderful idea. You think it might work on 10 year olds going on 45?

  9. Truth fairy, nice one!!

    Don't think you're the clear winner for Craptastic Supermom just yet, I'm still in this race.

    Sorry your weekend sucked. This is going down as one of the worst summers ever.

  10. The Truth Fairy is awesome!!! I wish I'd thought of her!

  11. @ Kara--BRING IT. I have an outfit from Sears that shows off my panty lines....

    @Grace--I'm sorry about your Juicy Fruit dreams. Guess now would be the time to tell you Zebra Stripes were not made from real zebra's. Do you remember that gum???

    @Kelly--thanks. But I do feel inherently bad for lying to her to get her to tell the truth....

    @Pam--you crack me up. I'm about as blog literate as my 1 year old...


    @John and Allie Fields--steal away!

    @lyndylou--I have no idea when my girl turns 17 what I'm going to do with her. Too late to beat some sense into her head?

    @Amanda--As long as he believes in Santa I figure it's game on.

    @Falnnery--I KNOW. It's just so damn hot. I actually went into Walmart in my swimsuit with sundress (from WalMart) to pick up school supplies. I didn't realize I'd forgotten to change from the pool till I started to freeze my tits off cause my suit was wet and I was cold. Beat that. :)

    @Apples and Autobots--thanks!

  12. Seems like the Truth Fairy was a complete success. She should be adopted by all families!! I certainly wished you'd invented her a few years back...although you probably had no need to then!

    I do hope all that 'attention' has helped ;-)

    ((xx)) Jazzy

  13. I love the truth fairy, I think I might win for headbutting my 6 year old (by accident!)

    I love the Walmart Swimsuit sundress anecdote! LOL!

    Sorry to hear that your weekend sucked! :((



  14. I love the Tooth Fairy story! Awesome.

  15. Bad Mom - are you kidding? It's great that she finally admitted it on her own and I think you showed remarkable restraint by not screaming 'Cut the crap already! I know you're lying!' Just saying...
    Also, gotta love mom's timing. I always love to hear how messed up everything is even before my keys are out of the door.
    Also, I'm sorry about the crappy weekend & hope it gets better soon.

  16. you're telling this to the woman who sprays her kids in the head with the hose when they go into another of those fight club huddles in the pool.


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