Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Hi my name is Lizbeth and I'm a candy whore.

Halloween you suck.  No, not because my kid went out and under ten minutes decided his legs hurt but because for the short time the kids were out they hauled ass.  They banked more candy than I've ever seen.

People were dumping handfuls, handfuls of candy into their bags.

You would never know we were in the middle of a double dip recession in this neighborhood.  Never in a million years.

I even brought extra bags because last year we had frigging meltdown after meltdown when the bag was too heavy and all I heard was, "I can't carry it anymore...this is too much like work...I don't even like Starburst."  You could have followed our candy trail all the way back home from all the shit Alex unloaded just to get back to the house.

Being the smart girl that I am I actually remembered last year (pausing for a momentary shudder) and thought to myself, "hummmm maybe I should bring an extra bag or two."

It was a good thing I did as I was the one lugging the heavy bags home.

And here's what I don't get, I'll never understand.  The kids can have two or three pieces of candy and then walk away.  THEY WALK AWAY.  How do they do that?

I don't have the desire or, and this is the important part, the ability to walk away.

I have single handedly reduced their candy supply by one-third and I'm no where near close to being finished.  I have not seen a Twix or Baby Ruth since last year and let me tell you, it's been a long time coming.  A long time coming.

They used to have two more bags but yours truly ate that too.

And here's the thing, I don't do this late at night after everyones sleeping or when they're at school.  I'm working on this stuff all day.  Do you know how good Milk Duds taste with coffee?  Or how good a handful of Snickers are before dinner??

I made the mistake of counting how many wrappers were in the trash by my own hand and I counted nineteen excluding the one that I was currently working on.


And that was before I even went to pick the kids up from school.

The only thing that I keep thinking of is, "thank God I'm not diabetic."

And I'm too weak to upend the candy buckets into the trash.  The kids could care less at this point but I don't have the ability to pitch it.  I can't do it.  There are starving kids in China for Christ's sake.  Such a waste to throw it out.  But more than that, I want to eat it.  All of it.  Even those shitty lemon Starburst.

I'm loathe to admit it but candy is my crack.  And Mama wants her crack.  Mama needs her crack.  My God, I'm a slave to my kids Halloween candy.  I actually dumped a whole bucket out on the counter to ferret out the last Twix and then told the kids to back away, nice and slow.  I need my fix.

What the hell is wrong with me???

Wait.  Nobody answer that.


  1. I have a sweet-tooth too, so Halloween is a mixed blessing. On one hand, there are mounds of chocolate to eat, on the other hand I gain 5 pounds from eating said chocolate. By this point in time, though, the chocolate is gone. All we have left is chewy, fruity candy, which I don't care for. So, yay?

  2. I'm a dirty, dirty whore for anything chocolate. I don't want that sugar candy shit, you can have the Starburst and Now and Laters, but I will cut a bitch for chocolate.

    I feel your pain. We could start a support group, except I don't really want help. Just more candy.

    You can't make me stop. You can't make Lizbeth stop....


  4. Damn it I knew I should have had children!

    Have you seen this?

    put it on my blog today - it cracks me up!

  5. Hmmm remind me not to count the wrappers. I must admit I like the yellow starbursts- they may be my favorite. So send them. Y way- wait, I mean don't! I need to stop too

  6. Great Post I laughed till i cried , love it ! now just maded still warm bread or any carbs of any sort and I am just like that ! My kid & I not big sweet eaters unlike my fiance who is like yourself lol Love how u described it fantastically put ! The amount of wrappers I remove from my other halfs trouser pockets , jacket pockets makes me think he must stick up a sweet shop from and to college lol !

  7. I know this road, Lizbeth... Yeah, girl. I was on that downward spiral, out of control for a Twix fix. All those vibrant colors, rustling of wrappers to get to that smack inside... Then, I got to rock bottom (where Flannery is now)) and I too, would cut a bitch for some chocolate. It isn't pretty. 19?! Amateur! Psssh...

    But there is help. Now, I've been clean and sober for four and a half months - Halloween is hard. All those dealers out there just giving it away. I'd say more but I gotta go to a meeting now... ;)

  8. I can't even tell you how much candy I had with this Halloween. I made the mistake of buying candy for trick or treaters the Thursday before Halloween. By Sunday, I had to buy more to replace what I had eaten. Not what the kids had eaten, what I had eaten! Ridiculous! Those damn Kit Kats got the best of me!

  9. OK, we're all friends here, right? And everything I say will be kept COMPLETELY confidential, right? Right??

    OK. Last weekend, before Vince came over, I got a plastic CVS bag, threw all the empty candy wrappers in it, tied it SECURELY, and threw THAT in the kitchen trash so that he wouldn't see how many Snickers I had eaten.

    I think I have a problem. *sob*

  10. Frozen snickers. Even better. Start putting them in the freezer now!

  11. You are so not alone. I seriously need for this damn candy to get out of my house. 19 is totally normal for me so I am obviously of no help to you.

  12. Wait...your kids actually get to eat the Halloween candy?

    My son is lucky if he even gets a worthless dum dum.

    The good stuff - the snickers, the twix, the almond joys - my kid has no clue! He never even has the chance.

    Don't judge me.

  13. Sometimes I tell myself that if I cut up the candy and put it in cookies, it won't go to waste (waist?)...yeah, so you got it, then I am eating handfuls of only logic is fuzzy!

  14. Hahahha! With a blog title like taht I just had to come read! My guy got tons too and I catch him shoving stuff into his mouth every time I walk into the xbox...I mean SITTING room! So I've hidden the bag and will throw the damn thing out. So far I've kept away....will power of steel I have this year.... if I ate NINETEEN of them I'd be nineteen stone!! AND diabetic!!

    xx Jazzy

  15. OMG. I just discovered that we're pretty much twins! Here's a tip for future reference. Once your kids get older and no longer trick-or-treat (at least without you knowing it), you buy more candy than you'll ever hand out, then vow to first give away the stuff you like least. That way, you will end up with a buttload of candy to enjoy. Works for me. :)

  16. ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!! I just BUSTED OUT laughing when you said Lemon Starburst. HOLY crap. Do you know I went FORGING into my daughters room yesterday looking for candy. That bitch ate all the chocolate ones. I had 2 lemon and one orange Starburst hahaaaa

    Before Halloween. Oh 17, that was like dessert for me. After dinner. Milk duds with coffee. Holy freaking cow. Heaven isn't it!? hahaa

  17. Nineteen? Pffft! I've polished off entire bags of candy bars without even realizing it. I just tell people that I'm storing fat for the winter.

  18. Here's what I tell myself, "My life is SOOOOO hard. I mean, nothing is EVER EASY for me. After all I have to live with, I DESERVE this hot fudge brownie sundae. Or these peanut M&M's. Or that Milky Way. Because my life is HARD."

    A little pity tastes so good, doesn't it??

  19. Now, the question is... 19 fun size or full size? 'Cause fun size is like... nothin' at all!

  20. I'm glad to see I'm in good company and we're all jonesing for a good candy fix.

    God help us all if we're left in a room together with only one bucket of candy and no way out. I have dibbs that Grace, Flan, and Karen V. will be the last ones standing. Just sayin.

  21. The first step is admitting you have a problem. The next step is not giving a flying flip. I think nineteen shows great personal restraint for a whore of your magnitude. I'd write more but I need both hands to rifle through the bucket.

  22. I'm right there with you. All I have to say is: Nineteen? That's it? I'm very, very afraid to count how many wrappers are now stuffed in and around my bed.

    God I love Baby Ruths.

  23. **snort** This really made me laugh!! I have the same problem with baking. That's why I do it in cycles. Cause my son can't eat as fast as I bake and I... Ummm... CAN.

  24. Similar problem here; if I start eating chocolate I can't stop. Worse during PMT time!!


Comments make me all squishy but remember to be nice. If you're not nice then what you said goes *poof.* There's your warning.