Monday, November 21, 2011

Puppets are the work of the Devil.

So my husband had the insight to tell me that sometimes I can, "Really put my foot in it."  And I can.  There are times when I can see myself, like an angel looking down from above, talking and I Can Not Stop.  I really want to, trust me.  For whatever reason I just don't have the ability.

Anyway, this all started when I got the release form for Lizzy's field trip.  They have this extra section that if parents want to come along you sign up.  The teachers pull your name out of a hat and off you go.  I signed up but never thought I'd be going since Lizzy goes to school with a bunch of overachievers.  The mom's that is.  These lady-bitches have beaten me out of every trip so far this year.  

Well, I got picked.  I had no idea where we were going but I was so happy I finally beat the lady-bitches at their own game.  We were going to see a puppet show.




So there I sat on a bus full of screaming kids thinking to myself:  "Who in their right mind decides they want to have a career playing with puppets?  I mean, what in the hell would possess a rational, able bodied person to wake up and decide they want to make their life's ambition to provide puppet entertainment to the general population?  And that's assuming they're rational.  And in the ghetto, inner city or urban core, where ever.  But really, what kind of person besides Mr. Rogers, wants to go into puppet work?  For children??  Its just not right."    

So there I sat with a bunch of Kindergartners praying to get out of the place alive and unharmed by rogue puppets or snotty six year olds.  Speaking of which, all my friends who are Kindergarten teachers?  You ladies are Saints and should be Canonized or you're crazy.  I'm not sure which.  I just know I could not do your job.  

Look at these freaky-ass things.

Fast forward to later in the evening when I dropped Lizzy off at a birthday party.  The party mom's all, "How were the puppets?  It must have been soooo much fun!"

And I was all, "No, it wasn't fun.  It was downright unnerving.  Scary even.  I mean, there were freaky puppets looking down from the walls and everywhere.  It was the weirdest place I've ever been and I think I'm going to have nightmares and post-traumatic stress from the whole thing.  Gawd, just thinking about it now gives me the shakes.  Uggh, I mean a whole puppet show on Go Dog Go?  I thought time stood still and I was trapped in hell with some wacked-out puppeteer and bunch feral six year olds.  What time to I get Lizzy?  Seven o'clock, right?"

And she's all, "You don't like puppets?  What's not to like about puppets?  What kind of person doesn't like puppets?"  

That's when I realized I had said too much.  

She was looking at me like a deer caught in the headlights, looking into my soul and seeing Satan.  She was truly concerned for my well being and my utter disdain for all things puppets.  I even saw her flinch and take a step back.      

I'm sorry but I don't like puppets.  

And I hate clowns too.
Thank you Google Images and Steven King.  

Wonder what she thinks about that.  


  1. HAHA! I bet after this, several friends have suddenly change your Christmas gift idea to puppets ;-)

  2. Oh my gosh that is hysterical.
    I so get it! (although I enjoy a muppet from time to time.)
    I hate parades. The point? who the hell knows! you're watching people walk down the middle of the street and everyone gets excited. I don't get it.

  3. he he he he
    too funny -
    I first learned about clown fear from the Seinfeld episode

  4. LOL. I'm not keen on them either though I do like the Muppets on TV. To go on a school trip to watch puppets sounds awful; I admire you for going. Fortunately my kids don't like puppets or clowns either so I'm spared the misery. Deb x

  5. Okay - now it makes TOTAL sense to me!! I was all thinking Kermit and Miss Piggy but those things in the picture? Those - those are marionettes!! Look at the evil in their little "faces"!! To me, they are like miniature ventriloquist's dummies - and you did see the movie "Magic" with Anthony Hopkins didn't you? That thing still gives me nightmares! Oh yeah - and then as though I wasn't scared enough - you have to add in the clown pictures? I gotta go...

  6. I hate clowns, but more than that I hate porcelain dolls with their creepy eyes. That's kind of like puppets, sort of, I guess. Anyhow, I think your hatred of puppets is totally justified, and really, what kind of field trip is that anyways?!

  7. I have to admit I have never really thought about puppets, I do admit I have enjoyed the comedy value Punch and judy have provided in the past. However, I thjink my 2 boys would be having nightmares after seeing the puppets you have in that picture! Dolls/doll puppets are my thing, I hate dolls, which I think stems from both Chucky and the cabbage patch era!

  8. Note to self: Do NOT invite Lizbeth to accompany you to The Muppet Movie on Wednesday.

  9. Puppets, clowns, dolls...hate them all. And I always had this suspicion that anyone that wanted to be a clown for a career was probably hiding some deep antisocial tendencies.

    Maybe she has a secret puppet fetish. Or maybe she's just one of those people, you know, THOSE people that are always happy and positive about everything...ALL the time.

    I don't like those people. Their upbeat positivity annoys me and gets in the way of my cynical observation of the absurd.

    I think I just said to much.

    We have the same problem, you and I.

  10. I can't imagine that YOU said something that might have shocked someone. Haha! I feel your pain! I don't like field trips in general but I really dislike the plays and puppet shows we sometimes have to go to. A thousand screaming kidddos instead of just twenty can be stressful even for us. The first questions our parents ask at open house are all about field trips. They don't have time to help in the classroom but they come out of the woodwork for a field trip and get very upset if they can't go. I've even had parents show up at the field trip when they were told they couldn't be chaperone. Arggh! I think Big Arts might be having a puppet show we can check out next trip! ;)

  11. Lizbeth, this is the most f*cked up puppet thing I personally have ever seen.
    Check it out, parents, and see if you've lived through this video too (Jack's a Wiggles fanatic)

  12. i like muppet puppets, but those little plastic faced fuckers are creepy, and in answer to your question, "Who in their right mind decides they want to have a career playing with puppets?" sociopaths

  13. @Mom2LittleMiss--I will hunt you down like a wild dog if one of those things shows up on my doorstep.

    @Peg---I so get this. What's the point?!? Unless they are throwing candy, then I'm all over that.

    @K-floortime lite mama--I must go back and find this Seinfeld episode. I fear I am missing some great comedy.

    @Deb--I want your kids.

  14. @Karen V--No, I've not seen that movie. Clearly I need to park my butt down in a barco lounger and watch some TV. From the sounds of it, it would freak me out too.

    @Angela--yeah, especially the ones who's eyes open and close when you move them. Ewww.

    @Grace---what in the hell are you doing going to the Muppets the night before thanksgiving? You should be at home getting the bathroom ready for me with magazines, liquor, gum and anything else we'll need to avoid all the relatives, er I mean fun.

    @Flan---oh we were sooo separated at birth. Thing is, my neighbor just hit a deer with her car last week (we call that hunting on the Missouri side of KC) and all I kept thinking was how I wished "happy party mom" was the deer. Yeah, now I've probably said too much.

    @Shelling Sistah--thing is--they had all the teachers and parents sitting on the aisles so we couldn't get to the kids who were misbehaving in the middle. Let me tell you, a stern look was not working....

    @Karen---OK, I'm going to click on that link but if it scares the shit out of me I'm going to come over there and beat you!!!

  15. @Karen---OMG I am going to kill you. Now I'm going to have PTSD from that!!!!!

  16. Oh jeez, did you really have to put "It" up??? Now I can't even take a shower- and I have 12 mothers coming over today. Great mothers all over the freakin WORLD think we're nuts.

    I hate puppets too. And I went to school for theatre design, where they teach those weirdos how to be puppetters (or however you spell that). What freakier is puppet making classes. Eyeballs, hair, curled lips.... yup. UC teaches it. Bet you missed that while walking to your Pshcy classes!!! xxx

  17. Shudder, shudder, shudder. Pennywise the clown always makes me want to hide in a closet and whimper. ;)

  18. I'm pretty sure we go to the same school...those over-achieving moms are all around me. Now THATS freaky. So are puppets. Just are not alone.

  19. Well...I'm flattered. I work in Kindergarten, so I'm a "crazy saint". hehe

    My son Casey hates clowns too. He didn't tell me that until he was an adult though. Poor kid should've spoken up sooner. I had no clue he was terrified of Ronald McDonald every time we went for a Happy Meal.

    BTW- I think the puppeteers on Sesame Street are geniuses and would be fun to hang around with. There 'Glee' skit cracks me up!

  20. Hahaaha - I am with you. I could do without puppets. I could also do without people who dress up like Tweety Bird or Bugs Bunny or Mickey Mouse. It secretly freaks me out - I can't see their eyes.

  21. Puppets and clowns freak me out too. ESPECIALLY clowns. Holy crap.

  22. hahaha!! I don't really mind puppets but I understand your aversion! Maybe the 'lady bitches'hate them too and knew where the trip was to?!! You might have something in common with THERE's a scary thought!!

    xx Jazzy

  23. I hate puppets. And clowns. There's something inherently wrong with people who aren't nervous about both of these things.

  24. @Jim--that's it exactly. I bet if you pulled up a pant leg you'd see a police tracking devices...

    @Ness--I think that's worse, having to make the damnable things. Ugggh.

    @Missy--me too!

    @Accidental Expert--Ugggh, those moms. And I bet they knew it was a puppet field trip and let me have it. Those biotches.

    @Jazzy--I thought about that. Probably. They beat me at my own game. They are horrible ladies. Just horrible.

    @NJAMB!--See, I knew there was a reason why I liked you! ;)

  25. When my oldest daughter was 2, we went to Disney and I took her to see Muppets in 3D. The lights went out, the first puppet showed up and she started screaming hysterically, jumped out of her seat and took off running. I had to chase her down in the dark and exit the theater with the help of an employee. I think we were more exciting than what was going on on the screen.

    And that was my typical daughter.... :)

    Puppets, clowns, mimes - they're all the same. Weirdo's.

  26. We took Sarah Hazel to a puppet show at church when she was not even two. She went right up to the curtain thing concealing them and looked at it puzzled. She then walked around to the back and peered inside. She came back with a mischevious and satisfied smiled on her face like she had just busted the Wizard of Oz at his own game.

  27. Well, like everyone else it seems, (apart from the type A mom in the story) I too hate clowns and puppets. And anyone dressed up in a costume handing out leaflets or asking for donations. I was once traumatized by Sidney the Kidney chasing me round a supermarket, and I've never been right since.
    P.S. Even for puppets, those pictured were freaky-ass.

  28. yeah! Agreed! And my kids think it's HILARIOUS. Sorry for the PTSD!

  29. I'm glad to see I'm not alone and am in good company!


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